Tuesday, February 7, 2012

heavenly work.

i emptied the dishwasher, changed my clothes twice, got the baby fed, into bed, and dressed.

that's what i got done yesterday. that, and ruining my good, expensive bath rugs in the wash.

i used to be a really productive person, i've worked since i was 16, and i now own my own company.

ask me who i am, and i'll tell you what i do.
i worked until i was 36 weeks pregnant, and i truly miss my job. i love work. i enjoy the structured schedule, the emails, the clerical work, the ringing phone. i find joy in work.
i'm a stay at home mom now, and i'd be lying if i said the transition has been easy. easing from the hustle and bustle of an office to constant time at home has felt like a deafening silence. i am working solely from home these days, often holding the baby and typing emails with one hand. i make phone calls during nap time, and eat smoothies and burritos because i can eat them fast while she is sleeping. some days, its a victory when i get makeup and clean clothes on and don't smell like spit-up. it's hard. i cannot define myself by what i do, because i am not doing more than keeping the baby and i clothed and fed most days!

but i read on a blog yesterday that this hard task, this day-consuming work of tending to my little one..it's heavenly work. it's not work praised by the world, or work that i can put on a resume. it's taking care of the least of these. i'm a mom now. i'm a wife and a full-time mommy and that's who i am.

and i was the first to fight that role before i had the baby. when i had her, i clarified, loudly, that i was still "working from home", lest anyone think that i was "just" being a mom. i said i wouldn't lose who i was before i had her, that i would keep my hair styled and not change my wardrobe and i would go back to work when she was 12 weeks old. and i was wrong. motherhood changes you whether you will it to or not. you become a person of more substance and more depth. sure, i still want to look nice and do my hair and wear makeup and do excellent work for my company. but i'm less selfish now...you can't be selfish when the baby is crying. you can't be selfish when you're changing diapers. you have to give and give and give and the baby can't really return any of it. i do feel some days like i've lost a little bit of who i was, but that's necessary. i still love time with my friends, i love getting out by myself and getting a babysitter so i can grab a starbucks. but it all matters less now, because i love my sweet daughter and i love being her mom. i believe i still can retain who i was, at least to a degree. i'll go back to work eventually, part time, but it doesn't really matter whether i'm working or not, because it doesn't define me. this is hard work, but its heavenly work because i depend every single day on others to help me. on my sweet husband, on my mom to help watch her when i have errands, on the guy at the grocery store to load my car, on others for meals and help and babysitters and errands. i can't do it alone. and it's heavenly work because i have to depend on the Lord. every single second.

if i am what i do, then what i do is very little according to my old standards. it's diapers and feeding and dishes. but i am not what i do.

i'm a mom. and a wife. and that is simply enough.


Christin said...

I really appreciated that. I have similar struggles, and it's encouraging to hear it from someone else, and see God working in your life.

Krystle said...

This Mommy thing is an every-evolving process.
Not one of us have it figured out, and we never really will.
We have to learn to allow ourselves to be molded and shaped through these years.

Who you are, is a woman in Christ. That is your constant. That will never change...what you do on a day to day business, is serve Him. That may look a bit different now, but it's the same bottom line.

I have learned to look at life as seasons. There was a season where I worked for a Doctor, had spending money for clothes, went to the gym every morning, both Sunday services and was a Youth Group leader.
Now the season is, I go to church when naps work out, I workout at home and run outside, there is no clothes money and I am just now starting back into Youth Ministry.

Learning to be flexible has taught me so much. To live in the moment, to see what I am doing as a privilege and that there will always be more for me to learn.

And you are not alone! We are all around you, walking the same path you are. Make sure you are surrounding yourself with people who speak life into you and build you up! Treasure these precious moments when your daughter is so tiny....it will fly past you in an instant!