Tuesday, February 7, 2012

heavenly work.

i emptied the dishwasher, changed my clothes twice, got the baby fed, into bed, and dressed.

that's what i got done yesterday. that, and ruining my good, expensive bath rugs in the wash.

i used to be a really productive person, i've worked since i was 16, and i now own my own company.

ask me who i am, and i'll tell you what i do.
i worked until i was 36 weeks pregnant, and i truly miss my job. i love work. i enjoy the structured schedule, the emails, the clerical work, the ringing phone. i find joy in work.
i'm a stay at home mom now, and i'd be lying if i said the transition has been easy. easing from the hustle and bustle of an office to constant time at home has felt like a deafening silence. i am working solely from home these days, often holding the baby and typing emails with one hand. i make phone calls during nap time, and eat smoothies and burritos because i can eat them fast while she is sleeping. some days, its a victory when i get makeup and clean clothes on and don't smell like spit-up. it's hard. i cannot define myself by what i do, because i am not doing more than keeping the baby and i clothed and fed most days!

but i read on a blog yesterday that this hard task, this day-consuming work of tending to my little one..it's heavenly work. it's not work praised by the world, or work that i can put on a resume. it's taking care of the least of these. i'm a mom now. i'm a wife and a full-time mommy and that's who i am.

and i was the first to fight that role before i had the baby. when i had her, i clarified, loudly, that i was still "working from home", lest anyone think that i was "just" being a mom. i said i wouldn't lose who i was before i had her, that i would keep my hair styled and not change my wardrobe and i would go back to work when she was 12 weeks old. and i was wrong. motherhood changes you whether you will it to or not. you become a person of more substance and more depth. sure, i still want to look nice and do my hair and wear makeup and do excellent work for my company. but i'm less selfish now...you can't be selfish when the baby is crying. you can't be selfish when you're changing diapers. you have to give and give and give and the baby can't really return any of it. i do feel some days like i've lost a little bit of who i was, but that's necessary. i still love time with my friends, i love getting out by myself and getting a babysitter so i can grab a starbucks. but it all matters less now, because i love my sweet daughter and i love being her mom. i believe i still can retain who i was, at least to a degree. i'll go back to work eventually, part time, but it doesn't really matter whether i'm working or not, because it doesn't define me. this is hard work, but its heavenly work because i depend every single day on others to help me. on my sweet husband, on my mom to help watch her when i have errands, on the guy at the grocery store to load my car, on others for meals and help and babysitters and errands. i can't do it alone. and it's heavenly work because i have to depend on the Lord. every single second.

if i am what i do, then what i do is very little according to my old standards. it's diapers and feeding and dishes. but i am not what i do.

i'm a mom. and a wife. and that is simply enough.

Thursday, February 2, 2012

welcome emmersyn!

it's incredibly hard to believe that three weeks has already gone by since we first met our sweet girl! she is so beautiful and healthy, and brings us such joy. i can hardly remember our lives before her.

The birth: I'll spare you the details, but labor was long and hard. as in, 27 hours hard. i went into labor at 5:30am on the 11th of January, and after an exhausting 23 hours, had not even progressed to halfway (5 cm). After threats of a c-section were looming, I had the epidural and progressed to 10 cm in four hours quickly (and mercifully painlessly). After only 20 minutes of pushing, our sweet girl was born, pink and screaming. I was very disappointed to have the epidural at first, but with all my other various complications, it was the safest, best decision and prevented me from having a c-section, for which i am really grateful. Emmersyn was born at 8:23am on January 12th, and immediately nursed and slept. We spent two days in the hospital recovering (and racking up a hospital bill to the tune of 8k!) and I can't say enough good things about my doctor or the nurses at the hospital. such kind, wonderful people, and they made the difficult birth much more manageable. i'm pretty sure the anesthesiologist who gave me the epidural will be a hero to me forever. he had to put in an epidural at 3am, into a tiny spinal space, while i was hysterically sobbing and shaking from the pain and the hormones. i've never been so happy to see anyone in my whole life.

i've been recovering well, and bounced back quickly, thankfully. Emmersyn has been a great eater/sleeper and has made the transition fairly smooth. she had one night of waking up 17 times to eat, but otherwise has been very easy. She is on a great schedule now, only waking a few times to eat at night, and has a very regular schedule during the day. helps keep my day predictable and allows me to run errands/clean the house. i've been able to keep my work-from-home jobs (ccm magazine and social media marketing) which keeps me sane and productive. i love being home with emmy and am grateful i don't need to work outside the home for now. She is making great eye contact now and is tons of fun to play with and watch during the day. i've lost a total of 34 pounds since she was born and have only 12 more to go before i'm back to my pre-pregnancy weight! she keeps me busy and active ;)

i love being her mommy! drew is a fabulous dad, always pitching in and changing diapers/watching her. she loves him and turns to his voice whenever she hears him. it's a blast being parents, though the first few weeks were hard, now we are functioning normally again and it feels great! we are so thankful!