Friday, October 16, 2009

darkness. sunrise.

God is always in the darkness.
We love to find Him in the morning sunrise, but when darkness falls, He's still there.
This week has been a series of disappointments. I thought I was going to be able to see Drew this weekend, since I have not seen him in almost fourty days, but his travel plans changed and I won't be able to see him until December; a blow that hit me hard. I found out I lost a scholarship I thought I was still eligible for. I got a C on a test at school that I studied for weeks for. I am struggling to understand things in school, and struggling to get enough sleep. I coordinate volunteers for large concerts on the West Coast, and this week two shows had volunteers cancel, leaving me in a last minute panic. I worked a 12 hour shift at the hospital, which was terrific but exhausting. It's been one thing after another, with loan holdups and financial aid problems, and stress at my day job. I have felt on the edge of a breakdown all week.
God is still present.
Sounds simple, doesn't it. Sounds like I would have 'gotten' it by now, doesn't it? Not me.
I struggled to see God in this all week. I cried that I am struggling financially. I cried that I wouldn't get to see my fiance for another two months. I cried that I was failing at my work. I cried because I was just plain exhausted. But God is still present. He is still God, and He keeps showing up.
He showed up in my patients room, when I held her hand and helped her breathe.
He showed up in a few people who offered to volunteer for another concert later in the year.
He showed up in the Love of my fiance, who has been there for me every second, with emails, and text messages, and video chats and 2am phone calls filled with tears.
He shows up and He keeps showing up. I am thankful.
Sunrise always happens, even when the night is darkest.
He even shows up when I forget to look for Him.

Saturday, October 10, 2009


my weeks seem to get busier and busier. i work 22 hours a week as a public relations office manager at southern oregon university, and attend nursing school for 26 hours a week. on the weekends, i freelance for four different magazines, and serve as a volunteer coordinator for a concert agency. i am now working under my own company as an artist manager and publicist/booking agent. sometimes i travel on the weekends to various shows. its basically a circus. i wake up between 6 and 6:15 every morning and commute half an hour to school, and then get home around 9:00, when i can start my homework. i usually can crash into bed around twelve, but if i want to talk to my sweet fiance at all, it's around twelve. he is so incredibly supportive and patient. he went to bed at twelve the other night, and woke up to talk to me when i was done with homework around two am. since he's two hours ahead, it often means he will "nap" until im done with homework and wake up mid-sleep to call. it means alot that he will do this for me.

pete wilson posted something neat from the catalyst conference today, he posed a question from rob bell:

"Does your spouse and kids get the best of you or do they get the scraps leftover after you’re done building what you’re going to build?"

ouch. i cant think of all the times i have excused not making sufficient time for Drew, or worse, my scripture reading and prayer time, by saying that its simply nursing school, that i'm sure everyone understands because its 'just school.' while my fiance, family, and friends are all supportive, i am not entirely sure i should be excused that easily. regardless of school, its no excuse for me to shirk relationships/devotions. if i get straight A's and fail in my marriage-to-be, or lose all my friends than it doesnt matter after all. pete went on to point out his own personal struggle as a pastor, in balancing everything, and he said God convicted him to "not win at church and fail at home."

i dont want to win at nursing school to lose my time and heart.

i dont want to win as a publicist and agent to lose my time for my fiance.

i dont want to become the best manager to lose my best friends and family.

its just not worth it.

"He said, "That you love the Lord your God with all your passion and prayer and muscle and intelligence—and that you love your neighbor as well as you do yourself." luke 10:27

pretty sure that means my whole heart.