Why I'm thankful I didn't get my perfect job.

This past week, I was definitely crushed to find out that the position I had been promised, had been told I would be the forerunner for, and for which I have been working extremely hard for, was not going to be filled because of budget cuts. I barely held back tears as I left the hiring office. This position was supposed to be a "shoe-in"...easy...well-paying...perfect. In an instant, it was gone.

To be honest, as I was wrapping up last week's clinical week, I felt pretty purpose-less. All the effort I had been directing to this job seemed very non-consequential now. I was pretty frustrated with the unit, with myself for letting myself get my hopes up before I signed the papers, and with the Lord for what I perceived as "taking away" what I wanted. (I am sure the Lord was less than thrilled with my temper tantrum).

So this Sunday, when my pastor asked for volunteers in our church's disability ministry, I must confess my initial thoughts were less than holy. "I'm a nurse", I thought, "I should be working in a high stress surgical unit, not volunteering at the church". (I know, I was definitely less-than-thrilled with my own heart's attitude).

And of course, the Lord pretty much smacked me upside the head and nudged my heart to open up to the idea that He is going to use me here. And that maybe, that perfect job was taken away in order to allow me more time to work with the precious little ones at my church. Precious kids like my own niece who has severe autism, and my nephew who has severe epilepsy.

How humbled I was.

How good the Lord is to move us towards where we need to be.

Even if it means my "perfect" job wasn't so perfect after all.

So here goes...this new venture, of other's centered-ness. Of loving where I am. Of deciding that volunteering just may change my heart more than that ideal job. Of offering my schedule up to being open to serve.

What no one tells you about nursing school...

They tell you it's going to be hard...

They tell you patients will die and patients will live and you will walk through both daily...

They tell you that you will have nights that you will cry for hours...

They tell you that there will be days so full of joy and hope...

And the feeling of accomplishment you have is overwhelming...

But they don't tell you...
No one tells you that the last term is emotional. bittersweet. stressful. fulfilling. exhausting. No one tells you that the people who have walked beside you for four years will become like your family. you cant imagine your life without all of them. No one tells you how exhausted working back to back long shifts will make you. No one tells you how stressful it is to get everything done to graduate. No one tells you how emotional everything becomes. i'm so happy to be done, but graduation hit me today, and i realized how much nursing school has shaped me into who i am. No one tells you that it will make you compassionate, that you will understand the people around you more and more. No one tells you how it feels to find out your patient died. No one tells you what it's like to have to tell a patient's family that something went wrong. No one prepares you.

No one will tell you that you'll meet the impoverished.

The broken.

The amazing.

The uncomfortable.

The forgotten.

it's been all consuming for almost five years. it's a lot of mixed emotions. i'm happy but also sad, and exhausted all at once. No one tells you that.

We've finally almost made it.

those girls.

my husband and i can't help but snicker a little bit when my grandma watches jeopardy. we watch it too, but she always comments on the weight of the contestants. it's funny, because of the tone she uses and her totally indignant comments, but it's sobering too.

because i do it too.

you know those girls, right? the ones you see in wal mart or downtown. girls overweight, with heavy eyeliner, wearing less-than-modest clothes. they don't dress in style, they probably never finished high school...we think all these things. they are the

teen mom.

the girl who sleeps around.

the one who does drugs.

and i know i have made those comments too. i have sat in starbucks, sipping five dollar coffee, wearing designer jeans, holding my coach bag... and making snide comments about the girls who clearly have no concept of fashion or style. i cringe just writing it. but i do.

maybe their sin is evident. maybe they slept around in high school and that's why they are toting around a toddler or two. maybe they did drugs and that's why they're missing some teeth. maybe they are promiscuous, and that's why they show so much skin.

and i am no better.

just because we, as a society have become quite good at covering up our "white collar sins"...sins like gossip, slander, lies...it doesn't mean they are not there. and i may be well dressed and have my hair done and have a good job or wear expensive shoes..but it doesn't matter if my heart is still sinful.

moreover....those girls? the ones we are so quick to judge?

i see some of them in the hospital and their stories are not as they seem.

it's a shattered heart behind eyeliner.

it's an eating disorder behind twenty extra pounds.

it's a date rape victim behind the missing teeth.

a struggling single mother behind the two toddlers.

and it may be a homeless teen behind the "unstylish" clothes.

humbled?

me too.

i am each and every day that i meet these girls in the hospital. every shift is a parade of patients, each one, i am certain, sent from the Lord to smack me over the head with humility. these girls have the whole world pointing fingers and whispering about them. they already don't feel loved, whole, or beautiful. and the last thing they need is me adding to the noise.

with a little help from my friends

it's about time to introduce you to some of my blogging friends and their incredible journeys. i am so thankful to know such amazing people!

Addi is one of my dearest, most inspiring friends. She is on a journey of recovery from an eating disorder, and she shares her eloquent and inspirational thoughts on her blog, along with fun pictures and her impeccable fashion sense. I met Addi a few years ago, and am so thankful the Lord has given me such an amazing friend. We have been through a lot together!

Kelly is currently fighting NF, and is blogging about her fight against tumors. Kell is such a beautiful and strong person, and she always inspires me to have a better attitude and find joy in the small things.

Malerie is the wife of one of Drew's close friends, Kevin, and she is truly a Godly woman and a dear friend. They are journeying down the road of adoption and Drew and I could not be more happy for them! You can read their story at her blog, and also help them raise the funds to bring their little one home.