those girls.

my husband and i can't help but snicker a little bit when my grandma watches jeopardy. we watch it too, but she always comments on the weight of the contestants. it's funny, because of the tone she uses and her totally indignant comments, but it's sobering too.

because i do it too.

you know those girls, right? the ones you see in wal mart or downtown. girls overweight, with heavy eyeliner, wearing less-than-modest clothes. they don't dress in style, they probably never finished high school...we think all these things. they are the

teen mom.

the girl who sleeps around.

the one who does drugs.

and i know i have made those comments too. i have sat in starbucks, sipping five dollar coffee, wearing designer jeans, holding my coach bag... and making snide comments about the girls who clearly have no concept of fashion or style. i cringe just writing it. but i do.

maybe their sin is evident. maybe they slept around in high school and that's why they are toting around a toddler or two. maybe they did drugs and that's why they're missing some teeth. maybe they are promiscuous, and that's why they show so much skin.

and i am no better.

just because we, as a society have become quite good at covering up our "white collar sins"...sins like gossip, slander, lies...it doesn't mean they are not there. and i may be well dressed and have my hair done and have a good job or wear expensive shoes..but it doesn't matter if my heart is still sinful.

moreover....those girls? the ones we are so quick to judge?

i see some of them in the hospital and their stories are not as they seem.

it's a shattered heart behind eyeliner.

it's an eating disorder behind twenty extra pounds.

it's a date rape victim behind the missing teeth.

a struggling single mother behind the two toddlers.

and it may be a homeless teen behind the "unstylish" clothes.

humbled?

me too.

i am each and every day that i meet these girls in the hospital. every shift is a parade of patients, each one, i am certain, sent from the Lord to smack me over the head with humility. these girls have the whole world pointing fingers and whispering about them. they already don't feel loved, whole, or beautiful. and the last thing they need is me adding to the noise.

with a little help from my friends

it's about time to introduce you to some of my blogging friends and their incredible journeys. i am so thankful to know such amazing people!

Addi is one of my dearest, most inspiring friends. She is on a journey of recovery from an eating disorder, and she shares her eloquent and inspirational thoughts on her blog, along with fun pictures and her impeccable fashion sense. I met Addi a few years ago, and am so thankful the Lord has given me such an amazing friend. We have been through a lot together!

Kelly is currently fighting NF, and is blogging about her fight against tumors. Kell is such a beautiful and strong person, and she always inspires me to have a better attitude and find joy in the small things.

Malerie is the wife of one of Drew's close friends, Kevin, and she is truly a Godly woman and a dear friend. They are journeying down the road of adoption and Drew and I could not be more happy for them! You can read their story at her blog, and also help them raise the funds to bring their little one home.

a brand new season

I am sure a lot of people cannot imagine why i would be thankful for my recent eye surgery, but i am. i firmly believe that God brings the good and bad into our lives for His glory and to shape us into a people confident in his goodness. was it terrifying? yes. was it inconvenient? yes. but just a few days after the surgery, i was able to see already that God had carefully shaped and created this time of purpose for me.

He has brought me into a brand new season of being. being on bedrest for weeks meant

i couldn't go.

i couldnt do.

i couldnt accomplish.

i had to depend on my husband to clean and cook and dress me and help me in and out of bed. i had to depend on my family and friends to go anywhere. i had to work in short bursts of time while my eye cooperated. i couldnt even read. i could watch tv with one eye on my iPhone for about thirty minutes at a time. you might say, for someone as busy as i am, this was torture. i would say

for someone as achievement driven as me, this was torture.

i was forced to find fulfillment in other things that what i was doing. ouch. and so, God chipped away at the things i was holding onto, at me being a perfect housekeeper, a perfect employee, a perfect manager, a perfect wife. and He said rest. and He said I am sufficient. and so i did.

and i began to see how overloaded i was making myself. i have not had a single asthma or heart fibrillation since my surgery. i have quit my day job. i have watched God provide a way for me to work from home with my company so its easier on my health. i have watched Him provide financially so my company is bringing in twice as much as my day job. i began taking Fridays off, and doing something with my girlfriends, just because. my best friend called me and after i took an hour to listen to her, said "thanks for just listening. thanks for taking the time to bless me with that". time. i never had it before. i have time to cook, time to grocery shop, time to iron my husband's shirts. i almost started crying while i was ironing for him, because i have never made time to do that before. i run three times a week, but i put on the five pounds that my doctor wanted me to, for my low blood pressure. i feel healthy. i feel happy. a few friends have commented on how peaceful i seem, how much more joyful. and i know it's true. i smile more. i read my bible daily because i make time for it. i feel joy when i run. in my book club, we were discussing inner beauty, and how it flows from a woman who is confident in God, and who is peaceful and restful.

i don't think the word "restful" has ever been used in conjunction with me before, but i want to be that woman.

at rest.

confident in a good, gracious and beautiful Savior.

at peace.

joyful.

to japan with love.

the burnout.

it's no secret that nursing school is a world all it's own. its stress and workload ensure that any semblance of a social life, relationships, or community are shattered. it's a cruel awakening the first year. i remember dissolving into tears many, many nights, sure that i would either perish or fail out of the program. while other friends were in college, i felt that i was immersed in a whole different dimension. my first year, i was in the hospital twice, once for two week long pneumonia. the second year, hospitalized for my heart and asthma complications, and for a bizarre eye mass. this year? tore my ACL and broke my meniscus, then my right eye went blind and i had emergency surgery. to say i set the record for most hospital visits in nursing school would be an understatement.

i founded my own company in 2009, and before i knew it, it was actually generating income. i found my love of writing and organization was complete in being a manager and publicist. but i was still in nursing school, and i couldn't do it all. i found myself really discouraged that i had already gotten so far in school, and had found a whole different career. i didn't want to choose, but juggling everything was becoming crippling. this past term, i was finding my rhythm, becoming a strong nurse, but still having trouble finding real joy in being a nurse. i felt guilty that i had taken out student loans and deep down, dreaded my shift each day. all i wanted to do is work from home and just be done with all of the late nights and early mornings and migraines and aching feet. that is, until my right eye went blind, and i was watching everything slip away in an instant.

my surgery gave me a new joy in what i am doing. my company is doing well, and is allowing me to quit my day job and be fully self-employed. it's freeing and will allow me to be home two days a week, working from home! i am eager to get back to the hospital. i can't wait to see the patients, to be with my fellow nurses. i found myself missing it. and i know that was the Lord confirming that i am where i need to be. He has granted me joy in spite of everything. i'm so thankful.

God never leaves us vacant.

(In)Courage Guest Blogger

I'm very happy to announce I will be guest posting on (In)Courage! Date to be announced, but I'm so honored to be a part of this amazing community of women and their stories.

a look back at fistula.

When small girls are thrust into poverty, often things get so ugly, that they are sold to husbands who are much older by parents who have reached desperation. For some, their parents never wanted them, so they grasp for the last shred of hope they have: an arranged marriage to what looks like a prosperous man. What it turns into is a glamourized type of child abuse, where ten and twelve year old children suffer sexual abuse at the hands of men who have multiple wives, concubines, and partners. These precious girls are exposed to diseases, but more importantly, often become pregnant as young as ten or eleven. Since their bodies are not ready for childbirth, these girls endure horrific obstructive labor, where the baby often dies. What the little girls are left with is a obstetric condition called a fistula, where they are unable to prevent incontinence. They become the unwanted. The outcasts. The untouchable. Imagine it.

Across the world, there are ten and twelve year old girls huddled on dirty sidewalks. Sleeping in their own urine. Left to die an outcast, with no children, shunned by the 'husband' who proferred them such wealth and prosperity.

In Ethiopia, there are 100,000 women and little girls suffering from fistulas. There are 2 million women in the world suffering from fistulas right now. And all this is fixable. There is a hospital in Ethiopia who offers these women a simple medical procedure that will give them back their lives. Do you know how much it costs to give a ten year old her life back?

$450.00.

I was blown away. I want to be a nurse, and potentially a doctor someday. I have been enthralled by the new show Hopkins on ABC, where medical students work through the highs and lows of residency for the audience of America. And I realized how quickly our priorities can go awry. I want to be a doctor. Why? Is it the glamour? Is it because I want to help people? I heard a message from Louie Giglio recently where he asks "Have you had an encounter with Jesus? Have you REALLY?" I realized we can say all the right things...I can stream podcasts, I can read through my bible in a year. I can go to church three times a week and raise my hands in worship. But has God moved me? Has He shaken me to my core? I think that maybe He is working on it. Because when I read the stories of these girls in Ethiopia, girls who I might have been friends with when I was ten...I got uncomfortable. I got restless. I realized that if I become a doctor, I would HAVE to go to help those girls. I would have no option. That's how moved I was. My friend Daley Hake recently posted a blog about how we "are not what we do". He, a brilliant photographer, explained how he prays to be 'more than a brand', that he wants to be remembered for MORE. I want to be a nurse/doctor. But I want God to move me deep within. I want to sense His presence in the eyes of those girls as they get their lives back. I want God to overflow from me at my work. I want everything I do to be filtered through the realization that God is big enough. That I am not what I do. But that what I do must be overflowing from an Encounter with a Saviour.

So I will watch.

I will wait.

I will let God move me.

And as I sleep tonight, I will remember that across the ocean, a little girl in Ethiopia sleeps too, waiting for an encounter with her Saviour too.

Watching for God. Maybe He's closer than I think.


"God is in the slums, in the cardboard boxes where the poor play house.
God is in the silence of a mother who has infected her child with a virus that will end both their lives.
God is in the cries heard under the rubble of war.
God is in the debris of wasted opprotunity and lives

and God is with us if we are with them."
-Bono

Marriage is about saying I Don't...

I said "I do" to my handsome and thoughtful groom almost three months ago. feels much longer. he is truly my best friend. we stay up way too late talking and laughing lately, which makes getting up for work quite the episode. we have recently walked through a rough few weeks with my surgery, but he has remained calm and collected, and has never left my side, vigilantly giving me eyedrops every hour and even getting me a pirate bear to match me, and bedazzling my ugly eye dr glasses. he is truly a giving kind of guy...always looking out for me and helping me with stuff around the house so i dont over exert my eye.

i have learned that marriage isn't about saying i do as much as it is saying "i dont". its dying to self. i am learning to say that...

i don't need to be right all the time. most of the time, i'm not, and it's not worth fighting just to make myself feel more important and correct.

i don't need to assume my schedule in nursing school, as hectic as it is, is more important than his.

i don't need to store up ammunition for arguments so i can fling them at appropriate times for leverage.

i don't get to whine and complain about the budget that keeps us on track for student loans, because in truth, my husband "gets" the money aspect more than me.

i don't get to be selfish in marriage. it's the fastest way to kill a relationship.

i said "i do" on our wedding day, but i i really learn to say "i don't" every day.

"I have been crucified with Christ; and it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself up for me" Gal 2:20

just being.

rarely do i take a moment to just "be". i come home tired after clinical or class, and make dinner and watch tv and go to bed. i lack energy to do much more, but i love time to just be quiet. still. listen.

i have been so encouraged by ann voskamp's new book called a thousand gifts, it's a beautiful and encouraging reminder to be still and thankful multiple times through the day. you can buy it here. i won a free copy of it from my friends at zondervan, but it's available in most booksellers. besides the incredibly moving message, her writing is unmatched.

she talked about the word Eucharistia, which we use when taking communion, or the Eucharist. The root words of it, informally mean thankfulness and joy. we are to take "eucharistia" more than just on sabbath mornings, but all the time. every day. every moment. she made a list, after several grief-inducing moments in her life, of a thousand gifts she was thankful for. amid depression, troubles and problems, she came up with well over a thousand quickly. just by being still.

i was so encouraged by her simple admonition to remember often the gifts the Lord sets before us, and to do this daily. thankfulness. joy. grateful. eucharistia.

my list starts like this: 1. a warm cup of coffee. 2. an hour to myself at Starbucks. 3. the engagement of one of my best friends. 4. the joy of seeing my patient smile. 5. a successful iv start, 6. a sweet text from a friend. 7. the smell of my valentines roses....

joy. peace. eucharistia.

my forever valentine

To my Sweetheart: i love you with all my heart. i'm yours forever.

"i have found the one my soul loves!" songs 3:4

"diamond ring and twelve red roses, everything she ever wanted, all those dreams and now they're coming true. she's so young and he's so perfect, waited for love and it was worth it, she wants to feel like this for a hundred years. all this life still yet to live and they can hardly wait...she wants to make it last for a hundred more years".

The Great Closet Purge

That's right friends....i'm going in (eek!). My tiny closet in our house is overflowing. In an effort to streamline and "practical-ize" my wardrobe, here's what I'm going to do:

1) PURGE! Yep. If i havent ever worn it, won't ever wear it, or it needs heavy alterations, its adios. Unfortunately, I have purchased literally dozens of dresses that don't fit, and then i hang them up in high hopes, only to find them five months later.

2) ASSESS: What do I still need to tie my wardrobe together? A few things would be:

-a straight leg pair of tweed/ khaki trousers, high waisted, and slim fit.

-A better black pencil skirt, that fits correctly high waisted.

-regular slim leg jeans from Citizens of Humanity *the best jean EVER for petites!

-suede wedges, black flats

-flowy white blouse that can be tucked in

-belts!

3) SELL! i give my clothes to three different consignment shops and so far have been really successful in selling them. it gives me extra money for the above items i ACTUALLY need and not more random items.

So here goes...we will see how this ends ;-)

blogs that inspire my creativity

These days, the time i have to be creative is limited. I wish i could create dresses and sew and paint and craft all day long, but my time just doesn't allow. however, that doesn't mean i can't be inspired by other people's crafting!

here are some of the blogs that i LOVE:

Finding my Feet: Raechel Myer's beautiful story of her Evie Grace drew me to the blog, and i kept up after that because of her sweet photos, wonderful sense of color, and fun baby ideas (for future :)

Adventures in Dressmaking: This fun blog always inspires me to tear up old clothes and recycle them into wearable, cute dresses. Although i don't share some of her style (her body type is different than mine, which is why she wisely chooses shapes that would look terrible on me), her ideas for ruffles and etc are fabulous

Grograin Fabulous: Oh wow. this gal just blows me away! she makes up goodwill dresses into gorgeous, drool-worthy creations that i would just love to wear. her color sense is amazing as well, and she is always combining great combinations like orange and navy and turquoise and red. lovely. She is giving away a dress today too!

A letter to my mom

Dear Mom,

Thank you for being you. For all those years I never said thank you, I am saying it now. I have watched myself become a new wife, and have noticed how much of my efforts are because of you.

I have found joy in cooking dinner, because I remember always coming home to a warm meal when I was growing up. I remember sitting down as a family almost every night to something home-made. I make your casseroles and recipes because they are comfort food now.

I still love to sew, which I credit to you, since I was not the one who seam-ripped me through 4-H! I can sew on a button, hem pants, and attach ruffles to just about anything because you taught me how. You taught me and the girls the art of being a homemaker. Ironing, laundry, sewing, cooking.

I am excited to be a mom because you were such a good one. You taught us faithfully, prayed for us daily, and never let us go. Thank you for instilling in me a love for the arts. For reading, writing, and piano. For listening to me cry over math problems, and assuring me that, yes indeed, I needed to finish Saxon math to graduate J Thanks for forcing me to study anatomy and helping quiz me into nursing school.

I am, I hope, a good wife because I watched you be such a good one. Rarely did I ever see you complain to dad, or argue in front of us. You are so faithful to him, and dad adores you. It’s easy to see why. You are a top notch teacher, cook, grandma, mom, and wife. Truly a Proverbs 31 woman.

I am who I am today because you were the mom that you were, and still are. I am the nurse I am today because you taught me to be unselfish. I am the friend I am today because you taught me to not leave others out and to always honor commitments. I am the writer I am today because you taught me never to give up on something I wanted. I am the wife I am today because you taught me how to love and honor my husband. I will be the mom I will be someday because you were so faithful.

Thank you mom.

-Love, Grace

i have the best...

my husband is the sweetest, most wonderful guy in the whole entire world. he wakes up early every day, either for men's group discipleship or to take me to work, and NEVER complains. here's to you, husband. i love you with all my heart.