he knelt to the ground and pulled out a ring..

if i got my way, i would have walked down the aisle to taylor swift. thankfully, i have roommates and a fiance who decided i needed to keep it classy, and that in 20 years, i didn't want to have to tell my children i walked down the aisle to the number one hit pop song of 2009. anyways. moving on.

i have a beautiful, fairytale gown tucked away in my mom's closet, i have a beautiful wedding venue just waiting for me, and my darling bridesmaids are ordering beautiful dresses. i meet with my florist soon, and has has all sorts of unique ideas for my wedding bouquet. i seriously can't believe that the wedding is in 89 days!

we have been engaged for a glorious nine months, and when we get married, it will be almost one year exactly. it's definitely been a year filled with challenges and joy, but we've made it! i have learned so much...when people find out that i see my fiance just about every two months, and not in between...they often are shocked. to be honest, it never gets any easier. i miss him each and every day, but i am gradually learning to live my life when he is gone. it's been a hard lesson to learn, but i've discoevered that life still goes on when he gets on those airplanes. i go back to work and school, and i have to focus and do my best. i've certainly spent my fair share of time crying and feeling sorry for myself. but i've been trying to find Joy in my life apart from him. mostly because this is the life we are signing up for...touring is hard, its hard on marriages, its hard on having kids, its hard on the husbands and the wives alike. i think me and drew both have different things we struggle with. for me, i have community, and friends, and church. i stay extraordinarily busy and im out with friends on the weekends and travel often. for drew, he doesnt get community. he rarely gets home for church, since he works nights, and he wont see his friends for months. it's a complex life, and im grateful that we are good friends, because we are pretty in tune to what the other one is feeling even when we are apart. we've listened to ALOT of mark driscoll and matt chandler, and ive definitely seen areas i need to improve...ive learned that drew needs words of affirmation, and i need undivided attention. as soon as we figured that out, things got alot easier. not easy, just easier. we're still learning.

it's our two anniversary on saturday. i'll be at the beach, and he'll be at work. its really hard sometimes, to spend this special days apart, but we'll be okay. two years. it's flown by.

i love you honey. grow old with me.

i hope...

...that in twenty years, i am as excited to go on dates with my Husband.

i was out to dinner a few nights ago, and an elderly couple was sitting near me. the wife got up to get something and came back and when she came back, her husbands eyes lit up. i mean his whole face lit up! he was so happy to see her!

wow. i hope we have that in twenty, thirty, fifty years.

and my goodness....i can't wait to have a Husband!

i love him so much.

i hope that i still get butterflies when he gets off an airplane.
i hope that in twenty years, i am as excited to hear his voice.
i hope that in fifty years, he still reaches for my hand.
i hope that forever, i drop everything to just talk to him.

91 days.

love this:

"When a couple speaks their vows & consummates their vows with sexual union, it is not man or woman or pastor or parent who is the main actor. God is. God joins a husband & wife into a one-flesh union. God does that. God does that!! Marriage is GOD'S doing... Staying married, therefore, is not about staying in love: it is about keeping covenant. Christ will never leave His wife." ~Piper

getting married is such a Joy!

lately, i have been nothing but excited about our wedding! with just over 3 months to go, we had a setback last week when our intended venue was nothing what we thought. we drove out there, and after a 2 hour, miserable, curvy drive, it was definitely a letdown. i cried all the way back to ashland. thankfully, drew had such a good attitude and thought we could make it work, but i was pretty sure it was not going to work. nothing else was open, and with drew touring so much, we didn't have any more time to look around at venues. a few days later, a wonderful couple opened up their home and their beautiful ranch to us. its a several acre, beautifully manicured ranch with mountains and a creek surrounding it. i absolutely love it and can't wait to get married there! i have realized that stressing about wedding things doesnt make it any more fun, and i want to enjoy it so much. so now im determined to be excited and stress free! i love planning our special day because mostly, i'm excited to be his wife! YAY!

one hundred days?

can it really be? just a hundred more days until our wedding?

yep.

hallelujah.

it can't come soon enough.

i bought my beautiful wedding dress last week, and i absolutely love it. i'm sure drew will too, but he doesnt get to see it for another hundred days :) we got drew fitted for a tux in Portland a few weeks ago, and the tuxes are fabulous...definitely happy with the colors I have chosen: champagne ivory, plum, and black. they look so pretty together! we found a wonderful florist who is local and who does couture, designer flowers, and is offering me a discount. they are exotic looking arrangements, and i'm excited to have them do our flowers.

thats about all i have the energy for right now. missing my drew. he's back in alabama....

dairy, wedding bells, and homework

i figured i would blog since a) it's been awhile since an update, and b) i am procrastinating on reading for school. we are down to a hundred and eight days until our BIG DAY! we have made our wedding website, and you can see it at www.drewaspinwall.com/wedding.

My asthma has been acting up, perhaps because of Spring allergies, but its making me pretty miserable, to be honest. I have been winded and short of breath walking very short distances (up stairs, etc) and because my campus is large and has lots of hills, it's made it difficult. I am trying to go off dairy because of it's effects on asthma. So far, I have found lots of alternatives to dairy, and I don't like milk so it hasnt been too hard. Unfortunately, I have been losing weight because of stress and lack of appetite, so now I am trying to find dairy-free foods with lots of calories. It's an interesting battle :0p

Drew's tour schedule changed, so I have him home for a full week! it's been sooooo nice to have him home for a little while and to be getting errands done. I started school for Spring term, and am comforting myself by reminding myself that this is my very last term before I am married! that is the most comforting part of this term, since the rest of it will pretty much be miserable...it's already being very difficult, and it's week one. i'm thankful drew is home this week to help me get through the overwheming-ness of the beginning of the term. He baked me brownies today! What a guy :-)

how do i tell their stories?

i was assigned a piece about the invisible children organization last week, an organization that i am very passionate about. they are working to free the children being abducted and forced into becoming child soldiers or slaves. they also showed the world the story of night commuters: children who walk at night to avoid being abducted. its horrific. its unthinkable. and as i read their stories, i wept. it truly not even something i can fathom...children being kidnapped OUT OF THEIR BEDS. children who have aids. children who have no future. and invisible children is GIVING THEM A FUTURE.

so how do i tell their stories?

how do i look at their pictures and not cry?

and how do i go back to my privileged life?

i want so badly to be moved out of apathy.

because i dont know how to tell their stories.

how do i sum up horror?

and terror?

and Hope?

the sun still rises over haiti

"where will i go when it rains?"



"we need change for the youth."



"home sweet home".



"in all my struggles, i have learned that Jesus loves me"






"God do not abandon your children"




all photos taken by jeremy cowart. www.voicesofhaiti.com
prints available.

follow jeremy on twitter at @jeremycowart

so not perfect.

a long time ago, a dear friend and fellow band wife told me, "you will never get used to saying goodbye! its because you love them so much, that watching them go rips your heart out." i got on a plane today, heading back to my world of finals and nursing school, and my sweetheart is gearing up for his back to back tour runs (he will be gone for nearly 30 dates BACK TO BACK! pray for him, he always seems to get a touch of the flu along the way.) i am so proud of him and SO thankful for the community of people who have surrounded us in this industry! we have been so blessed by artist, their wives, our peers and coworkers and their families. what an encouragement in what can become a very daunting and scary life: touring and touring and touring. a lady next to me on the plane today asked me what my fiance did, and i explained he was a road manager, and that he was gone much of the time. she looked at me for a second, and she said, "wow. i cant imagine how in the world y'all make THAT work!" she eyed my engagement ring, and added softly, "i dont think i could ever do that; go months without seeing my husband." i went quiet, my eyes still filled with goodbye tears that always fall, no matter how i try to hold them back. "i dont do it somedays", i explained. "somedays i cant do it anymore! i'm so not perfect. i mess this band wife thing up daily. i'm needy and clingy and i cry about everything. but he is wonderful. he is patient and kind and he loves me so very much. and he lets me cry and he adores me and he loves Jesus more than me. so i can do it because God grants me strength to love my Drew enough to hold us together. we are stronger now than ever. and he loves what he does and that makes me happy, to watch him get to do that! how many women can say their husband is doing what he loves and providing for them too? thats what he is going to be." the lady, probably taken aback by my overly-exuberant speech, just continued staring at my ring. "wow", she said after a long while, "i wish my husband loved me that much."


oh how thankful i am for my Drew. so my heart will keep getting ripped out and put onto airplanes. and its okay.
and i will continue to mess it up. and he will continue to love me. and he will forget to call between sound checks some days. and i will share him with artists and rehearsals. but we will make it.

soli deo gloria.

do i really mean it?

when one of my friends was going through a hard time last week, i had coffee with her. as we left, i said "I'll pray for you!". i was thinking about this as i drove to work this morning; about how flippantly we offer intercession. i'm quick to say that ill pray for something, but i'll admit, sometimes i forget. i might mumble something during my dinner prayer or as i'm half asleep before bed, but i honestly pray a lot less than i offer prayer support. i wish i was better at this...i'm thinking setting aside a time for serious, intercessory prayer would be a great idea. my college pastor always emphasizes prayer so heavily, it's definitely made me rethink how i view how easily we come into conversation with the Lord. i appreciate the way that because of redemption, we can come without hindrance into the presence of the Lord! how beautiful this sweet communion with our Saviour. but also, how Holy and divine is He to us, truly, when we mumble our half-thought-out prayer? nichole nordeman, one of my all-time favorite songwriters, summed it up like this:

Have I come too causually?
Because it seems to me
There's something I've neglected
How does one approach a Deity
with imformality
And still protect the Sacred?

'Cause you came and chose to wear the skin of all of us
And it's easy to forget You left a throne

And the line gets blurry all the time
Between daily and Divine
And it's hard to know the difference
Oh, let me not forget to tremble

still in middle school.

i turn 22 in a month, but i spend every wednesday and thursday in middle school, walking the halls with 6th, 7th and 8th graders from all walks of life. theres the girl who eats lunch alone. the boy who dropped all his homework all over the ground. the 7th grader who is kissing her "boyfriend".the "popular", beautiful girls who have low self esteem and too much makeup. the 8th grade boys who have acne and big egos. the smart kid. the special education children. the abused. the lonely. the broken.

the halls are filled with so many broken people.

and, i think...the halls of my university arent so different. not really. see, all those middle schoolers?
they grow up to be college students.

i have friends who have never left middle school, not in their hearts. the scars of middle school are still there. the 7th grader who wore too much makeup then still wears it now. except now her boyfriend is an abusive basketball player who only wants to use her. and the lonely, bullied boy has found his calling in philosophy, where he is being overwhelmed with new age ideals that might cure the loneliness for a moment. and those popular girls are still using the people around them, and they still think they rule the world. those 8th grade boys have become football players who date girls while their girlfriend waits for him to call.

maybe we've all never left middle school.

but then i see these amazing kids.
the ones who have big hearts. the girl over there who just helped that kid pick up his homework. the special education classroom where eleven smiling faces greet me every morning. the kid who says "thank you" for help with his homework. i see three or four girls without makeup and giggling together, and i think maybe, just maybe...


these halls hold hope too.

february

this month is flying by! i am super busy with nursing school (and should be doing homework not blogging...) but i am loving my clinical and realizing more and more what an immense privilege it is for me to be able to serve the Lord in this capacity! how amazing to be humbled and awed each day by His new mercies to me in my career. i am so very thankful!my sweetheart is in Orlando this weekend, doing some shows. i am slightly jealous he gets to be in the sunshine of florida, while ashland persists in rain and snow. we are praying about a lot, as this month has tested us in new ways. especially me, emotionally and physically. i have lost about 10 pounds that i cant really afford to lose and have been struggling to have an appetite to maintain a healthy weight. just seems i am too busy sometimes! i have been working more for Halogen, grateful for the extra income, but more, for the joy writing with such a wonderful team of people. When i was going through everything with my eye they were so incredibly supportive. i have struggled more this month with the distance between drew and i and have been encouraged by my mom, who is the best example of a Godly helpmate i have ever seen! if i am half of the wife and mom she is, i will be thankful.my friend amelia told me, "it never gets easier! we watch them (husbands) leave and it never is good, but i have kept reminding myself that it is his calling and i am to be a part of it". that has helped me have a better attitude with dealing with it and not having a pity party. i'm working on a 30 page paper (yikes!) , and so when my sweet little macbook air has decided to be sickly. i am rushing down to sacramento and redding this weekend with my roommate to the apple store to get it fixed. kinda threw a crunch in the homework plans, but i have an understanding boss, and am doing homework in the sunshine today instead of working! it's a pain to have to go to cali, but i love
okay, thats it for now :) thanks for reading about my crazy little life! above all, Jesus is faithful and i learn it more every day!

what guys wish we knew about our clothes

after conducting a modesty survey among some guy friends (these guys are everything from college students to athletes, musicians, pastors, authors, college students, dads, husbands, high schoolers, non Christian guys, and Christian guys)

here's what i heard:

the question:

'What would you like to tell all girls about their clothes?"

their answers (all real guys!):

-I wish girls knew that when they wear revealing clothes, it makes them appear weak, striving, faithless, wordly and dangerous. when a woman dresses modestly, yet pretty, she appears confident, respectful, attractive and at peace with herself. i like 1 peter 3:4 as an admonishment to gals. tight clothes, mid driffs, underwear showage are all totally horrible to dudes too. i think that goes without saying.

-Beauty is not defined in outward appearance, fancy hairstyles or jewelry! beauty is defined by the heart. the world says you have to look a certain way and be a certain size to be worth anything. girls are beautiful because they are created in the image of God! the most attractive woman is the girl whose heart is after the Lord's! You are valuable because of who Jesus is.

-Anything immodest is stuff that reveals anything that shouldn't be or anything that is too tight. it depends on length. if i can see lots of thigh, it does not help me. also, low cut shirts.

-i think anything short or low cut is sick and unattractive. i mean come on...mystery! i dig chicks that dont have their business hanging out.

-HIDE THE BOOBIES! seriously, we know they are there. no one thinks youre hot because you have cleavage. we dont need your help. and no one needs to see your butt crack so put that away. i dont give a crap about collar bones or spaghetti straps but if you have to bend with your knees sideways, your skirt is too short, and YES we noticed.

-More modest is better! LESS SKIN IS BETTER!

-I think its less the clothes and more of a mindset, attitude and heart issue. if a girl wants a guy to "notice" her, its apparent. i think girls are rarely 'ACCIDENTALLY' immodest! skirt length never really caused me to stumble, but its the chesty girls that wanna show the world. cleavage or really tight shirts is super annoying.

-Even nice guys cant always keep from looking at cleavage if you put it out there.

-Please please wear less eyeliner! and i dont like it when girls wear really short shorts.

-I wish all of them would dress classier. thats what i love about my lady!

-I think 2 piece swimsuits on christian women are a complete disrespect to their christian brothers.

-Ill fitting or loose clothes can cause just as much stumbling as some blatant immodesty. its not always the amount of skin showing (short skirts/normal shorts), but the perception of seeing more than it seems you should.

-Dont show cleavage in any degree, even if and when you bend over. no g-strings showing! guys see that a lot!

-Anything too short and too tight is not good!

-I'd say just remember your power. It is way too easy to distract and drive guys crazy, so have a little consideration for the fellas. We want to know you and care for you as a whole person but putting your assets, so to speak, outside of the proper context of relationship is confusing to us and counter productive to getting our best. Don't pretend like you don't know how weak we are. Hah!

-I'd say dress right for the occasion. I say this because I know in the summer it's hard to find modest swim wear that allows your skin to see the sun. Find something that is comfortable but doesn't specifically accentuate your figure. Hard to do, I know. Basically dress with the idea in mind that you are saving as much as you can for your future spouse. Cleavage is a no-no in pretty much any situation. Showing the belly can be considered classy under normal circumstances but I for one easily stumble over that one.Choose shorts that are comfortable but aren't too tight or too short.I'd just go back to the whole, save as much for your future spouse as you can. You will be so glad you did and God will bless your relationship because of it :) And another thing,theres nothing wrong with baggier clothes. I promise we wont hold it against you.

-Girls need to stop dressing in whats popular and become more original. go to boutiques or goodwill! as far as style, you can create your own original style. Modest girls are cool. They dont rely on their appearance, but that have a great personable attitude. they are not insecure!

-Well in my humble, little opinion, I would tell girls this: "Instead of

trying to catch guy's attention by wearing inappropriate clothing, try
catching their attention by displaying what's in their heart. I personally
find girls who make a conscious effort to dress modestly and act in a Godly
manner way more attractive than sleazy chicks trying to show off. I would
also tell girls that when they dress inappropriately, they're not going to
be attracting the kind of guy they would ever want to get into a
relationship with. Guys like me appreciate girls who dress modestly and
think girls like that are way cool. However, I'm not saying girls should go
around wearing turtlenecks year round (that's just stupid), I'm simply
saying lower skirts and higher shirts are cool."

-Well you don't have to dress like an old lady, but you don't want to dress like a slut either. Girls shouldn't have cleavage sticking out, and their dress/skirt shouldn't be really short because those two things will make guys stumble.

-I might add; Don't dress like the girl you think dresses improperly. I know all girls check each others clothes out, and make judgments based on how other girls are dressed; so when you see a girl dressed like a "skank"(girls think that, so I'm not just saying it) don't dress like her. If you want to make a guy truly like/love, you appeal to his intellect; it'll last longer than if you appealed to his lust.

-if I feel the need to avert my eyes, there is a problem!

my valentine.

this is my favorite picture of us...taken in front of the grand ole opry in nashville, the day we got engaged.

i love the picture...

and i love him.

we've made it through good times and bad, mistakes and heartache, joys and victories. and we're still standing.

thank you Jesus for this man...i love him so very much.

"i have found the one my soul loves" song of songs 3:4