i broke a nail.

this is liviyah.

she is four. sweet. precious. she's about to become my niece, too.

liviyah can't talk. she can't understand most of what i say. see, she had a stroke in utero, leaving her with autism. often her features cloud over with confusion. i watched her for a full 6 hours before i wanted, quite honestly, to pull my hair out. in the course of six hours, she had slept, eaten, tossed food on the floor, tried to eat a fingernail (which i had to fish out of her throat), threw a small desk at my head, took off all her clothes, threw more food, and climbed on all the furniture. she had nearly reduced me to tears. me, a seasoned nanny and auntie.

i worked for two weeks this summer as a caregiver, for a woman with paraplegia. polio had left her mostly helpless, requiring the use of a lift and lever system. i went over every morning, got her up, showered, dressed and fed. she couldnt even lift her arms to shave her legs. how humbling to wash the feet of someone who couldnt do it for themselves. i get why Jesus and the disciples washed feet. theres something powerful about that act. its moving. its beautiful. and its humbling. it took three hours. every morning.

three hours.

i complain when the water is not hot enough for my lengthy shower. i complain when i run out of shampoo. then i get in my car, and i drive to the store. she couldnt drive. i had to heat her food, shampoo her hair. i bought her groceries. i realized i am a really big whiner.

because this woman always was smiling. always. like, at eight in the morning, when i was gving her a bedbath (and in my inexperience, splashing water all over the place), or when i nicked her ankle shaving her legs. or when her food was not exactly warm all the way through. she just smiled and said thank you. one morning, i left her house and got in the car only to realize one of my press-on nails had somehow pulled off during my cleaning/cooking chores. i was frustrated for about ten seconds before God gently whispered, "a nail? really?"

yea. i was complaining about a nail. sure my hands looked a little uneven, but they were hands that had always known the ability to do things for myself. and attached to a relatively healthy body that can walk and move and run. what a whiner.

and sure, liviyah was a handful. but her mommy, a single mommy who is soon to be my sister in law, gets to be with her 24/7. with no break. with no fiance even, like i had, to take the reigns when i couldnt do it anymore. there's no break for her, no respite. and i was complaining.

give me a break.

i need to whine less. because really, breaking a nail is nothin.

an update on the last month and a half.

since i have moved and been so busy, i have not been a good blogger! Chelle and Mal and I are trying to be better bloggers, but I am adopting Chelle's "monthly" blogging update style! mainly because we have had so much going on, i have not had time to stop and blog my usual stuff (though i have much to blog about), so here goes.

we started out july: where we spent the 4th at a family bbq with chris, emily, traci, bryant, parker and drew's mom and stepdad, then we drove to CLANTON, where we got to see thalon in concert, and reconnect with jer, nedra, cam, austin, wes, and jenny, then back to MONTGOMERY where we hung with the eastmont gang and shot fireworks (and drew nearly lost a limb while lighting foreworks). on the 6th, we left for NASHVILLE, which has been my dream for awhile, and we spent four amazing days touring the city, shopping, and getting engaged. we stayed with our good friend tiffany rockhold. on the 8th, drew planned an amazing day, starting with an early morning in the apple store, where he bought me an iphone 3gs! yay! then it was off to get my hair cut, then peiwei chinese food, then a trip to forever21, and then urban outfitters, finished with dinner at the spaghetti factory (where our server was a friend from MEDFORD!). when we finished, tiff and amy walked ahead to the WALKING BRIDGE, and we "stopped for ice cream". little did i know that the ice cream was a delay so that tiff could get hidden for secret engagement pics! we walked to the bridge, where emerson drive's music video for moments was filmed. when we got the top, overlooking the beautiful city, drew dropped to one knee, and pulled out my beautiful ring. i was so stunned, i couldnt even say yes! (i did, eventually ;)

when we got back, we went to BIRMINGHAM for PROM! yes, we are a little old for prom, but rush of fools had their very own prom, and it was so much fun. dancing, getting dressed up and a limo! we even had "after prom" breakfast! when prom was over, we were so blessed to share in the wedding of our dear friends Camille and Austin in their special day. Drew was an usher in their wedding. After all that travelling, it was great to kick back and relax for a little while. we have been keeping busy working, and spending time with Drew's brother, Bryant, and his girlfriend, Parker. we went and played lazertag, went to a biscuits game, and have been spending time with the eastmont group. This past weekend, Drew went on tour for the first time since i have been here, and i had to navigate bham by myself (which i did without any major accidents. thank you iPhone!). i got to stay with jer and nedra, which was really fun, and kept me distracted from missing my sweetheart! i even got to do some shopping at f21 and urban. on friday night, the fool's girls had a girls night, and it was so great to see chelle, mal, em, amelia, and jessica.

on thursday, we have ENGAGEMENT PICS with http://www.kimboxphotography.com, and we will be driving to prattville to have them taken! we are pretty excited and thankful to drew's dad that we can enjoy this blessing of portraits. on FRIDAY, we will be driving up to BHAM again to spend some time with the fools girls before the festival date on saturday! we will get to see our friends from thalon and the fools as they share a tour billing. its been so fun to connect with drew's friends here, including our friends thomas and courtney, who just got engaged :)

okay, thats about it! i will try to be a better blogger when life slows down (which probably means never :)

sometimes in the middle of an ordinary life, love gives us a fairy tale."

"i have found the one my soul loves." song of songs 3:4

listen to the sound of a heartbeat and the tidal wave of trust

well, i had an eventful week last weekend. on thursday night i was nannying, and began to have slight chest pain. i normally have bouts of chest pain, so i sat down, knowing it would go away quickly. when it didnt, i went the route of the inhaler, hoping to alleviate the shrinking state of my lungs. when that didnt help, i laid down, which only made it worse. by this point, i was struggling to breathe, and pain started shooting up and down my jawline and wrapping around the back of my head. being a nursing student is sometimes unfortunate, and this was one of those times. i knew that jaw pain and left arm pain indicates a stroke of a heart attack, and my parents quickly rush me to ER. by the time i got there, my vitals were through the room, and i was doubled over in pain. thankfully i was rushed into a room where my heart rate hit 120, nearly twice what it should have been. what a scary experience. my blogging friend kate wrote a post recently that asked "where is God when." you know, when things are hard, when the darkness creeps in, when you become a single mom, or your marriage falls apart. i didnt know that God shows up too, in the middle of what feels like cardiac arrest. but He does.
when youre lying in a hospital bed, on the receiving end of IV's and medications (instead of being the one giving medications, like i had been just earlier in the morning), you see things a little differently. you lose control of the situation, and you realize you were never in control in the first place. it feels helpless and scary and totally out of control.
i went from giving my patient an oxygen tube that morning to desperately praying for one that evening, and breathing the rush of air when it was secured. how quickly things can change.

what a level of trust you have to have when God strips you of all you know, and all you think you can control.

i worked as an OB nurse this last week, rocking precious little ones to sleep. giving them baths and holding them while their mommies sleep was one of my favorite rotations yet. they have these tiny stethoscopes for babies. these little miniature steths that still look huge when you place them on their tiny chests. and you strap in the earpieces...and you hear it.
the sound of a heartbeat. perfect, rapid, tiny heartbeats.

i thought of my blogging friend angie, who held her daughter audrey caroline for just over two hours last year, until her tiny heart stopped beating. and of another blogging friend jennifer, who prayed over her tiny son while his heart struggled to keep him alive. i hope we dont forget to take our heartbeats for granted. nor what God is trying to teach us in the midst of the tidal wave of trust that He wants to teach us.

He is sovereign.
He is always good.
All the time.

Oh that He would teach us that with each and every heartbeat.

Isaiah 2:1 Then Hannah prayed and said: "My heart rejoices in the LORD; in the LORD my horn is lifted high. My mouth boasts over my enemies, for I delight in your deliverance.

waiting for life to start.

this is Daylon, a dear friend who went to be with the Jesus he loved so much last Friday. Daylon had the biggest smile and biggest heart of anyone i know. always laughing and smiling, he was a light to everyone around him. you know the type of people...those who make you feel like you just spent time with Jesus because they love Him so much. that was Daylon.



Daylon died doing what he loved second-most (after Jesus), flying. he was planning on being a missionary pilot. he would have been amazing.



last friday, i was sitting at starbucks with my best friend, sipping caramel machiattos and talking about life. how at 21, we feel like we are waiting for our lives to start. how when we were little, we imagined we would be doing huge things by 21. career. marriage. kids. the job we always dreamed of. some of those things have come true, some seem further off than we ever imagined. we poked around barnes and nobles and starbucks for awhile, then drove home.



i got the news that Daylon had died in a plane crash when i got home. at just 26, i couldnt believe he was gone. it seemed a tragedy that his short life would end before he even got the chance to be a missionary. how unfair, it seemed, that God would take a young man with so much potential before he had even finished all his training. Daylon facebooked me a few weeks ago, a short note that just said "Hey Grace! I hope you are doing great! Just wrapping up some flight stuff. Excited about how God will use me in the kingdom as I finish all this stuff, I can't wait to see how it will be used! Blessings, sister!"

it wasnt a tragedy. it wasnt an accident. i dont understand, it, but God is working to weave the ends together into a beautiful picture of His faithfulness. He always does.



Little did Daylon know that God would use him very mightily in a way none of us would have imagined. I thought about how I mentioned i was waiting for my life to "start", to achieve the things that society has told us equal success. Daylon, by the worlds standards, didnt even get to achieve a lot of those things. unmarried, he spent everything he had to earn the remainder of his pilot's licenses. by any stretch of the imagination, the world would scoff at this young man and his "achievements".



Daylon never waited to let his life start. he lived it every single day. with a huge smile and an equally huge heart, he loved Jesus with everything in him, and ran after Him with a passion that fueled his life every day.



Daylon, I am thankful I knew you.



Thanks for living your life, and never waiting for it to "start".



"Excited about how God will use me in the kingdom as I finish all this stuff, can't wait to see how it will be used!"



Me too, friend.



Please pray for his wonderful family, surely both rejoicing in the faithfulness of God and in the brokenness of losing their son. Also pray for the Reznick family, pictured below. Scott was also in the plane with Daylon, and also passed away, leaving behind his wife, Holly, and their children.

i have never gone hungry.

“The tragedy is not that the rich don’t care for the poor. The tragedy is that the rich do not know the poor.”– Shane Claiborne

stellan, audrey, the orphans of mumbai, and a God big enough for it all.

this is stellan.

he's a pretty special guy.

the doctors told his mommy and daddy before he was born, that he wouldn't make it. and here he is, a beautiful little boy with a fighting spirit and a charming smile. right now, stellan is fighting for his life in Boston with his mommy jennifer, as his tiny heart struggles to keep him alive. please read his story. and pray for this precious little guy and his family. i learned about stellan from another blog, passed onto me by my friend matthew turner. angie smith's precious daughter's story bound complete strangers together in prayer, once again marking the power of the body of Christ. her story is beautiful too. miss amy jean kloek also is fighting the fight of her life against her kidney tumors here in Oregon. she is a spunky four year old full of life and light and a perpetual smile. her mommy and daddy love her very much. please pray for her.

sometimes we need to let God be as big as He is.

i learned this week that He is bigger than what i have even dreamed for myself, capable of opening doors, closing others, and leaving us sometimes just speechless at what He is doing, and how He is moving. this week, i was chatting with my friend and fellow writer Brian Palmer, who had invited me to join a facebook group called "india partners". i didnt know what it was, so i asked him about it.

i was about to get the suprise of a lifetime.

i have been really praying about a way to be involved in fighting human trafficking. i feel this is what God has called me into, and where my heart is most at home. i am attending school to be able to offer the victims of trafficking the gift of medical care as a nurse. but i have not been able to find a place to use my skills...until now.

turns out brian's organization partners with another organization, one centered around care for the red-light district in India. they are taking a trip next september, at just the right time for my school schedule. as excited as i was, i was not sure i was going to get to go, whether i was skilled enough, or whether they would take naive twenty-one year old college student. so i sent off an email...and got one back from the coordinator.

she was praying for someone with medical training.

and i had been praying for a trip just like this.

thank you Lord. (the trip is set to leave september 3rd, 2010, where one week will be spent ministering to the red light district, and the other week working in an orphanage for children rescued from the slums. i would leave tomorrow if they would let me. really.)

today my grandfather was hospitalized for a heart attack. today stellan fought another day to keep his little heart beating. today angie mourned the loss of her precious audrey. today kevin and diane held the hands of their little girl and hope for all the years they want for her. today the orphans of mumbai remain in captivity. today the red light district in mumbai will foster sin and devastation. today i might not make a difference, and i wait for God to move.

but i will go when i am called, and i will rest in His promise to sustain.

bcause God is still God. and He is big enough.

i rest in that today.

i found God.

i worked at the hospital this morning..at a very early 6am. i am starting my first rotations as a student nurse on an actual hospital floor. i take responsibility for one patient, and attend to their needs as my skills allow. the neat thing about student nursing is it allows you additional time with the patient. also, we are not skilled enough to handle the truly difficult (ie: painful) procedures, and much of our skills allow for patient care involving time-taking activities. we bathe the patients, bandage wounds, do assessments, check in on them, change linens and help them order breakfast. we assess for wound size, drainage, their general orientation and mental status, and their pain levels. i had an elderly woman as my patient last week. very frail and in much pain. when i came into her room as her attending nurse (scared out of my wits, of course), she was visibly upset. her IV line had come undone due to her rolled, impacted veins, and she didnt tolerate narcotics at all. because of this, she had to endure four faulty IV insertions before it was successful, with a fairly large needle and no anesthetic. i felt my heart drop to my feet. all the sudden, here i was with a scared patient, and i felt helpless.

i had about forty minutes of assessment to complete on this woman, and she was in pain and tired. i immediately shifted to my "industrious" side, briskly asking questions, and feeling the time crunch to get my assignment done. until i looked up.

i had asked a question about her children...and i stopped short as i glanced up and saw her tears.

i ditched the notebook.

i sat with her as she told me about her estranged children, about the numerous falls and loss of health insurance that brought her to that hospital bed. and i realized that Jesus shows up in places we least expect. its exciting. and humbling.

i love finding people inside their story.

everyone has one.

i met a man today who fought in world war II. he had a lovely family, was married for fourty years. but he had lost much of his acclaimed life to the several nights spent drowning in a bottle of alcohol.
what was left of that husband, that soldier, that daddy...
was a tiny, frail old man lying all alone in a hospital room.
he can't speak anymore, and his throat has been replaced by plastic tubing. he can't feed himself, his independence has been switched for a catheter and a feeeding tube. its humbling.

and Jesus is there.

rob bell always talks about "bringing heaven rushing into hell", by becoming part of the Grander story that God is always writing. i have learned this week that the House of God has no walls. john waller talked about it in his new song...about the Body of Christ being so much more than Sunday morning lip-service. last sunday, i watched a daddy share about his precious, deathly-ill four year old, with the highest confidence in the mercy and compassion of a sovereign God. and today, i watched a man mouth to me, around his feeding tube, that he needed water. Jesus is there. both places. the house of God has no walls.

sometimes, loving like Jesus...means draining a feeding tube.

and bathing a patient who cries tears of joy because you took the time to give them a bath.

sometimes it means dressing the wound around a incision

or holding a hand during a fourth IV insertion.

sometimes it means putting down our notebook...so we can see the Story.

because everyone has one.

tiny fingers and a priestly blessing.

this weekend i drove to portland, where i got to see my sister and her husband, the parents of three beautiful children. their youngest, beck, has captured all our hearts, just like his big sister and brother did, with his rosy cheeks and sweet personality. his big eyes are just beginning to 'follow' you when you walk around him, and his adorable smile is quick and heart-melting. what a sweetheart! i, being the resident photographer and very proud auntie, always love taking photos of his perfect, tiny fingers. they always amaze me in their miniature perfection.



he is just starting to hold onto things, and when you slip your hand into his tiny one, he holds on tight. he never lets go, even when we want to walk away, he just holds on tight. it struck me today when i found this photograph, that these little ones are so trusting.
how precious a picture of what we need to be to others.
never letting go, always holding tight to what they can be, who they are.

today at school, i ran into pastor luke on my way to class. i was a little stressed, having just been thrust back into the crazy world of nursing school (i had forgotten how much work it is). having to miss my weekly SOMA group didn't help, and without that boost of spiritual fellowship, i felt overwhelmed. pastor luke has always had the gift of encouragement. he never ceases to honestly, sometimes pointedly call us out on stuff we could be doing better, like reading the Word, and staying grounded in Christ, but he always, always encourages us to walk worthy of our calling and be ministry-seekers on our campus. today, we made small talk, and a simple "how areyou" from him prompted what im sure was a "deer in the headlights' look from me, as i juggled my notebooks and purse while running to my next class (five hours straight of lectures!). but it was what he said to me as he was walking away that stuck with me, all day long. it was simple, really. just

"God bless you, walk in grace".

oh, the power of a simple blessing. people say that alot. God bless you. we toss it around pretty flippantly, myself included. but never pastor luke, and not today. at least not for me.
i was thinking about the power of blessings today, as i was listening to john waller's new album, that has a song called "priestly blessing' on it. it says, "when the morning comes and the day begins, i will go out in perfect peace.as the sun goes down and darkness comes around, unafraid ill go to sleep. over the fathers and the daughters and the mothers and the sons, we pray, Lord bless us and keep us, make Your face to shine upon us, raise your countenence on us and give us peace...give us peace. over all our days and through all our paths, may we not forget this Truth, those who just believe You keep in perfect peace, those of age and those of youth."

beautiful, huh? it was beautiful in bible times, the concept of blessing others, of speaking words over them, out loud. its kind of a lost art now. rarely do people pray out loud, or speak things over others. my friend crys prayed out loud over me last week and i was really moved. its a really beautiful thing. i want to discover that kind of blessing. because in a way, its like beck reaching out and taking hold. its giving someone something to hang to. something tangible. speaking it out loud, speaking words of blessing. not letting go. offering a hand.

thanks, pastor luke. you blessed me today. im thankful.

growing older but not quite growing up

i got my new, "grown-up" job a few weeks ago. working as a marketing assistant means suddenly i have to transform myself into Grown-up Grace every morning. suddenly i have to wear heels and black dresses every day. i drive to work, where i sit behind my very own desk in my very own office. i get to check my very own voicemail on my very own six-line phone. i even have to use my 'professional' voice. yet, in a weird way, i feel like im playing dress-up or something, that i cant possibly be an adult yet, that im still not 21. but i am. and it's kind of scary and nice at the same time. my new job is kind of a mixture of clerical work, writing, and public relations. its the kind of job i have dreamed about since i was little (yes, i was that much of a nerd. i asked for envelopes for my fifth birthday. i wanted to practice addressing them.

seriously.

just ask my sisters.) this afternoon i was sorting through materials on our large bulletin boards. it was my job to sort through them, pick out the relevant things, and toss the insignificant ones. i weeded through hundreds of sheets of paper, each filled with information. i read about lost dogs and bicycles, found out there is an abundance of apartments for rent, and that i can apparently take bellydancing for 12 dollars a lesson on thursday nights. wow.

anyways.

when i was done, i scooped up the trash and stood back to survey my work. it looked so much better, with just the relevant papers, well arranged to showcase campus events. yet as i looked i noticed...

there were still holes.

i had removed the clutter, but the holes were still there, and always they would speak of the pin that was there before i ripped it out. i thought about the clutter of the bulletin board before i cleared it. all those significant events drowned out by the ones clamoring for my attention. now it's clear. i can see again. but the holes will always be there. just like life.

i took a good look at my day planner today. its held together by a rubber band, since i long since gave up trying to corral my small avalanche of papers that i jam into it. its scrawled with notes to myself, notes to others, phone numbers of people whose name i forgot to write down and therefore never called back. but the events....its packed, cover to cover, with things i have committed to. some necessary...most not. i feel like i have been living in a whirlwind lately, running around here and there, meetings and deadlines, articles, emails, homework,and my job. it's been a hectic junior year in college. its a huge bulletin board, and everything wants my attention. i am that bulletin board you see with layers of events, because its so full.

i want to tear out all the insignificant. i feel God has been speaking into me....slow down. stop and listen. watch. be intentional. love people. slow. down. Grown-up Grace still hasn't quite learned how to just be still. i went out to worship this morning, at 6am (yes, really. i really got up at 6. i know.) and it was incredible. an hour and a half of worship, where you find a place to sit in the sanctuary and reflect and just be still. the sanctuary has huge picture windows that stretch from floor to ceiling. the sun was just rising, so i knelt there. the other hundred people spilled out over the sanctuary, some sitting, some standing. i hit the floor, suddenly overwhelmed with the urge to kneel. we sang "wholly yours' by david crowder, and it said "the truest sign of grace is this, from a broken earth, flowers come up, pushing through the dirt." that line stuck with me. i hope thats a sign i carry. that it can be my truest sign of Grace. that i can clear the weeds enough to watch God spring the flowers out of my dirt, redeeming the broken. He does it all the time. ive seen it. i loved that for a brief hour this morning...my bulletin board was empty, save for Jesus. all i had to do was worship. and all thats left were the holes. the same holes that brought me redemption when they marked the wrists of my Saviour. holes. always there, always visible, and when i clear my schedule, wipe the bulletin board off, all anyone can see are the holes.

clear it off, oh God.

im a b-list actor in a four star film.

i think i need to get much better at math.
i took anne jackson's challenge for fourty days of water for Africa (for the record, i am now six days in and have more energy than i have had in months, however being at starbucks drinking ethos water while smelling caramel machiattos is very tempting. i wouldn't recommend it). yesterday i took pastor pete wilson's challenge to go through the book of matthew in 28 days. thats alot of days to keep track of, and with my counting skills, i will no doubt read matthew in 40 days and drink water for 28. anyways, i am excited about the book of matthew. it has long been one of my FAVORITE books of the bible, right up there with job and esther. matthew is just packed full of so many truths and lessons. seeing as i forgot to read matthew last night, i started tonight (apparently i am not very good at doing these challenge things), and read two chapters. now, matthew appears to start a little nondescript. it lays out the lineage of Jesus, a lineage filled with ordinary, messed-up people who made an un-ordinary choice to believe what they had not yet seen.
i love that tamar and rahab are in that list.
a harlot and a rape victim.
david's also in there, a man who committed adultery.
along with abraham, a man who lied about his wife.
and let's not forget jacob, who wrestled with an angel, and came away with a limp.
what a cast of characters. and what a lineage of faith.

i find it so incredible that while casting the great motion picture of His story,
God chose all the b-list actors. i don't know about you, but if i were God, i might have wanted to choose, well...people with shinier reputations, perhaps.

i'm thankful God picks His people from a B-list and moves us into a sweeping picture of His mercy and redemption. sometimes, we don't see our parts. my part has felt pretty small lately. tonight i made the decision to postpone my trip to nashville, a trip i had waited and planned for for nearly a year. i was devastated, but financially, it wasn't a wise decision. i had prayed over it, and though sorely disappointed, knew now was just not the time. but tonight, the doors opened for me to travel to mexico in june, on a missions trip to build homes.

last week i was driving to school VERY early, anxious about the impending finals week, and very much sleep deprived and exhausted. to top it all off it was dark and it was raining. my university has what i believe are the world's deepest puddles. they might look small and shallow, my friends, but oh no, just step in one like i did, and i promise it went nearly to my knee. well okay, it was my ankle. but still...just wet enough to soak through my tights and my tan color heels. i ran back to my car to grab my jacket and umbrella and happened to glance up. there it was. a perfect sunrise. fiery red and blazing, splitting the storm clouds with its brilliance. i just stood there for a moment.

sometimes God writes the wet, dark, difficult parts of our story, and He gives us limited lines. but as we get more and more frustrated, it becomes clear that we have less lines and feel quite small...because He is readying the blazing sunrise. and it tears through our script like fire, reminding us who truly is Directing our moments.

i kinda like being a B-lister.

water water everywhere

my friend anne jackson (http://www.flowerdust.net) inspired me to join up with a number of other bloggers to do the blood:water mission water challenge.

 40 days, no coffee, no juice, no soda.

 just water. 

and after the forty days, you donate everything you would have spent at starbucks to the clean water initiative in africa. its a pretty neat program. i am already feeling the discomfort of not being able to drink coffee. i am pretty much addicted to starbucks caramel frappachinos, and during finals week, i generally drink so many that it probably starts running through my veins. 

this is my first finals week with no coffee. and i confess..its not going so well. 

i woke up all frantic, trying to make deadlines and do an interview and cram in studying for my final exam ( a 69 question, short essay exam), all the while choosing music to choreograph my final ballet dance to. all i could think was "caffeine, caffeine, caffeine!" and i got....water.

water.

water.

water.

i will be blogging over the fourty days about what God is showing me in this time, where i truly want to wait and watch to see what He is doing. 

alot of people have asked why im doing this.

because i want to let me actions speak louder than my words for once.

i want to be genuinely in tune to what God is teaching me, and i want to appreciate how blessed i am, in my easy, comfy life. i dont walk five miles for water. i dont wake up every morning wondering how i will eat today. 

i dont ever not have water. 

i can drink it, totally easily for 40 days. i hope i am moved to a greater level of compassion.

you can read more at www.bloodwatermission.com 

from underneath the table.

monday night was the 'welcome to the family' tour with Kutless, Disciple and Esterlyn. We packed out the venue with about 1200 people, mainly teenagers armed with Kutless posters, and parents armed with earplugs. i started my evening off with a venti caramel frappachino, and ended it with a second one! it was running, non stop, all night long. coralling volunteers, inventory on merch, meeting with various staff, and being the liason for much of the staff and artists. i love my job, but sometimes it's exhausting. i confess, i even hid in the bathroom for about ten minutes just to get a break. at the end of the evening, i was running inventory with Corey, the merch manager for Kutless. i had to categorize and count each t-shirt design and size. i was in high heels (don't ask me why i thought THAT was a good idea), so i slipped them off and started counting. pretty soon, i realized i was so exhausted that i couldn't stand up anymore, and i sat down on the floor, surrounded by piles of t-shirts. counting counting counting.

it's a different view from the ground.

from the ground, you can see the concert from another angle. i could see the cables from the speakers snaking along the stage, and the movement of 1200 people milling around. i could see the volunteers cleaning up, and lighting being moved around. as i counted, i was distracted by a little boy off to the right of the tables. blond and blue eyes, he hopped anxiously on one foot, waiting for jeffrey, the drummer of kutless, to come out and sign autographs. as soon as he reached the end of the line, where his jeffrey was signing, i watched as jeff got down on his level. he made eye contact with the little guy, asking him about his drums and his favorite songs. other fans were waiting, but jeff just kept on giving this aspiring drummer his full attention. he gave him kutless drum sticks, and the little guy's eyes lit up. i just watched. i stopped counting, and i stopped worrying about who needed me at that moment, and everything i had left to do in the evening. i just watched. and i saw, in that moment, why i work in the music industry. because, it is, of course an industry. but it's more importantly...a ministry. jeffrey reminded me of that, even though he didn't know. that little boy reminded me of that.

this whole week has felt like an extended version of a show date. i have been running non stop. i work for about four websites writing and editing, and i work as a press writer for another artist. i have deadlines upon deadlines, as well as my regular schoolwork and assignments. my recent decision to re-enter nursing school has only elevated the meetings and things i need to remember. it seems like i can never quite catch up and relax.

but i realized something today.

"Be ready and come up in the morning to Mount Sinai, and present yourself there to Me on the top of the mountain. " Exodus 34:2

God wants stillness. He wants full attention. He wants me to present myself every morning, no matter how much I have to do. no matter how much sleep i have gotten.

sometimes...God wants us sitting down.

on the floor.

because things look different from down there.

I see Him working things together.
plugging in the cables, turning on the switches, arranging the events.
i see Him getting down on my level.
all the pieces fall into place. i like walking in His story.
but i like it too when i can see His story better from the floor.

when everything you know...

...changes.

i was hanging out with my buddy matt today, chatting about how quickly plans can change, and how grateful we are that we have a God big enough to overcome our rapid, sure-fire mistakes.

last month, happily armed with three hundred dollars in my savings earmarked for my ticket to nashville i, being the astute driver that i am, neglected to check all the way around my ford taurus backing out of my family's driveway. wouldn't you know, my dad's bright red truck just popped up outta nowhere. i promise, it just sprouted out of the driveway. like a daisy. needless to say, even going at a very slow pace, i did considerable damage to my dad's cute little truck..and my cute little left hand mirror. the same mirror i had shelled out a hundred bucks to fix just 34 days earlier. it was, you guess it, exactly three hundred dollars to fix.

matt and i were talking about how Gods economy is different. we think, "Well, Lord, i dont think You are fully grasping the situation! This is $300.00! or this is _______(fill the blank with: a million dollars, a new job, relationships, etc.)." like maybe we dont truly believe God is a $300.00 dollar God. or a God big enough to hand me a job, or matt the apartment he is praying over. it comes down to just a lack of belief that God is everything He says He is.

my favorite people in the bible are esther and job. someday i want my children to have their names as their middle names. esther was a woman truly trusting in a God bigger than impossibility, and in the face of certain death, she said "if i die, i die". simple trust. or maybe not so simple. job lost everything, and my favorite part was he was so genuine. he wavered in trust, he questioned God, he wondered where the purpose was. and yet, he still came out on the the other side, blessed, astonished by the faithfulness of God, and more importantly with a bigger-picture-God. i love when God just nails him with the majesty of who He is. 

"then the LORD answered Job out of the storm. He said:"Who is this that darkens my counsel with words without knowledge?Brace yourself like a man; I will question you, and you shall answer me."Where were you when I laid the earth's foundation? Tell me, if you understand.Who marked off its dimensions? Surely you know! Who stretched a measuring line across it?On what were its footings set, or who laid its cornerstone-while the morning stars sang together and all the angels shouted for joy? Who shut up the sea behind doors when it burst forth from the womb,when I made the clouds its garment and wrapped it in thick darkness when I fixed limits for it and set its doors and bars in place,when I said, 'This far you may come and no farther; here is where your proud waves halt' Have you ever given orders to the morning, or shown the dawn its place?"

 the best part is verse 1, where it says "then God answered Job from the storm."

from the storm.

from the middle of confusion. 

from the center of uncertainty.

God speaks. 

this week i got news that i got back into nursing school. being the 'planner' (cough cough, stubborn) person that i am, it threw me into a tailspin. i HAD  a plan. graduation, applying to medical schools, possible working in the music industry. and now here was a new plan. surely God didnt understand that now was not a good time (insert sarcasm here), because i had midterms, for crying out loud! apparently God doesnt work on my timetable, because He seemed pretty good with now. 

i might be kicking and screaming my way, but He's pulling me into His plan, His time, His story. and 

when everything i know

changes,

He speaks.