dairy, wedding bells, and homework

i figured i would blog since a) it's been awhile since an update, and b) i am procrastinating on reading for school. we are down to a hundred and eight days until our BIG DAY! we have made our wedding website, and you can see it at www.drewaspinwall.com/wedding.

My asthma has been acting up, perhaps because of Spring allergies, but its making me pretty miserable, to be honest. I have been winded and short of breath walking very short distances (up stairs, etc) and because my campus is large and has lots of hills, it's made it difficult. I am trying to go off dairy because of it's effects on asthma. So far, I have found lots of alternatives to dairy, and I don't like milk so it hasnt been too hard. Unfortunately, I have been losing weight because of stress and lack of appetite, so now I am trying to find dairy-free foods with lots of calories. It's an interesting battle :0p

Drew's tour schedule changed, so I have him home for a full week! it's been sooooo nice to have him home for a little while and to be getting errands done. I started school for Spring term, and am comforting myself by reminding myself that this is my very last term before I am married! that is the most comforting part of this term, since the rest of it will pretty much be miserable...it's already being very difficult, and it's week one. i'm thankful drew is home this week to help me get through the overwheming-ness of the beginning of the term. He baked me brownies today! What a guy :-)

how do i tell their stories?

i was assigned a piece about the invisible children organization last week, an organization that i am very passionate about. they are working to free the children being abducted and forced into becoming child soldiers or slaves. they also showed the world the story of night commuters: children who walk at night to avoid being abducted. its horrific. its unthinkable. and as i read their stories, i wept. it truly not even something i can fathom...children being kidnapped OUT OF THEIR BEDS. children who have aids. children who have no future. and invisible children is GIVING THEM A FUTURE.

so how do i tell their stories?

how do i look at their pictures and not cry?

and how do i go back to my privileged life?

i want so badly to be moved out of apathy.

because i dont know how to tell their stories.

how do i sum up horror?

and terror?

and Hope?

the sun still rises over haiti

"where will i go when it rains?"



"we need change for the youth."



"home sweet home".



"in all my struggles, i have learned that Jesus loves me"






"God do not abandon your children"




all photos taken by jeremy cowart. www.voicesofhaiti.com
prints available.

follow jeremy on twitter at @jeremycowart

so not perfect.

a long time ago, a dear friend and fellow band wife told me, "you will never get used to saying goodbye! its because you love them so much, that watching them go rips your heart out." i got on a plane today, heading back to my world of finals and nursing school, and my sweetheart is gearing up for his back to back tour runs (he will be gone for nearly 30 dates BACK TO BACK! pray for him, he always seems to get a touch of the flu along the way.) i am so proud of him and SO thankful for the community of people who have surrounded us in this industry! we have been so blessed by artist, their wives, our peers and coworkers and their families. what an encouragement in what can become a very daunting and scary life: touring and touring and touring. a lady next to me on the plane today asked me what my fiance did, and i explained he was a road manager, and that he was gone much of the time. she looked at me for a second, and she said, "wow. i cant imagine how in the world y'all make THAT work!" she eyed my engagement ring, and added softly, "i dont think i could ever do that; go months without seeing my husband." i went quiet, my eyes still filled with goodbye tears that always fall, no matter how i try to hold them back. "i dont do it somedays", i explained. "somedays i cant do it anymore! i'm so not perfect. i mess this band wife thing up daily. i'm needy and clingy and i cry about everything. but he is wonderful. he is patient and kind and he loves me so very much. and he lets me cry and he adores me and he loves Jesus more than me. so i can do it because God grants me strength to love my Drew enough to hold us together. we are stronger now than ever. and he loves what he does and that makes me happy, to watch him get to do that! how many women can say their husband is doing what he loves and providing for them too? thats what he is going to be." the lady, probably taken aback by my overly-exuberant speech, just continued staring at my ring. "wow", she said after a long while, "i wish my husband loved me that much."


oh how thankful i am for my Drew. so my heart will keep getting ripped out and put onto airplanes. and its okay.
and i will continue to mess it up. and he will continue to love me. and he will forget to call between sound checks some days. and i will share him with artists and rehearsals. but we will make it.

soli deo gloria.

do i really mean it?

when one of my friends was going through a hard time last week, i had coffee with her. as we left, i said "I'll pray for you!". i was thinking about this as i drove to work this morning; about how flippantly we offer intercession. i'm quick to say that ill pray for something, but i'll admit, sometimes i forget. i might mumble something during my dinner prayer or as i'm half asleep before bed, but i honestly pray a lot less than i offer prayer support. i wish i was better at this...i'm thinking setting aside a time for serious, intercessory prayer would be a great idea. my college pastor always emphasizes prayer so heavily, it's definitely made me rethink how i view how easily we come into conversation with the Lord. i appreciate the way that because of redemption, we can come without hindrance into the presence of the Lord! how beautiful this sweet communion with our Saviour. but also, how Holy and divine is He to us, truly, when we mumble our half-thought-out prayer? nichole nordeman, one of my all-time favorite songwriters, summed it up like this:

Have I come too causually?
Because it seems to me
There's something I've neglected
How does one approach a Deity
with imformality
And still protect the Sacred?

'Cause you came and chose to wear the skin of all of us
And it's easy to forget You left a throne

And the line gets blurry all the time
Between daily and Divine
And it's hard to know the difference
Oh, let me not forget to tremble

still in middle school.

i turn 22 in a month, but i spend every wednesday and thursday in middle school, walking the halls with 6th, 7th and 8th graders from all walks of life. theres the girl who eats lunch alone. the boy who dropped all his homework all over the ground. the 7th grader who is kissing her "boyfriend".the "popular", beautiful girls who have low self esteem and too much makeup. the 8th grade boys who have acne and big egos. the smart kid. the special education children. the abused. the lonely. the broken.

the halls are filled with so many broken people.

and, i think...the halls of my university arent so different. not really. see, all those middle schoolers?
they grow up to be college students.

i have friends who have never left middle school, not in their hearts. the scars of middle school are still there. the 7th grader who wore too much makeup then still wears it now. except now her boyfriend is an abusive basketball player who only wants to use her. and the lonely, bullied boy has found his calling in philosophy, where he is being overwhelmed with new age ideals that might cure the loneliness for a moment. and those popular girls are still using the people around them, and they still think they rule the world. those 8th grade boys have become football players who date girls while their girlfriend waits for him to call.

maybe we've all never left middle school.

but then i see these amazing kids.
the ones who have big hearts. the girl over there who just helped that kid pick up his homework. the special education classroom where eleven smiling faces greet me every morning. the kid who says "thank you" for help with his homework. i see three or four girls without makeup and giggling together, and i think maybe, just maybe...


these halls hold hope too.

february

this month is flying by! i am super busy with nursing school (and should be doing homework not blogging...) but i am loving my clinical and realizing more and more what an immense privilege it is for me to be able to serve the Lord in this capacity! how amazing to be humbled and awed each day by His new mercies to me in my career. i am so very thankful!my sweetheart is in Orlando this weekend, doing some shows. i am slightly jealous he gets to be in the sunshine of florida, while ashland persists in rain and snow. we are praying about a lot, as this month has tested us in new ways. especially me, emotionally and physically. i have lost about 10 pounds that i cant really afford to lose and have been struggling to have an appetite to maintain a healthy weight. just seems i am too busy sometimes! i have been working more for Halogen, grateful for the extra income, but more, for the joy writing with such a wonderful team of people. When i was going through everything with my eye they were so incredibly supportive. i have struggled more this month with the distance between drew and i and have been encouraged by my mom, who is the best example of a Godly helpmate i have ever seen! if i am half of the wife and mom she is, i will be thankful.my friend amelia told me, "it never gets easier! we watch them (husbands) leave and it never is good, but i have kept reminding myself that it is his calling and i am to be a part of it". that has helped me have a better attitude with dealing with it and not having a pity party. i'm working on a 30 page paper (yikes!) , and so when my sweet little macbook air has decided to be sickly. i am rushing down to sacramento and redding this weekend with my roommate to the apple store to get it fixed. kinda threw a crunch in the homework plans, but i have an understanding boss, and am doing homework in the sunshine today instead of working! it's a pain to have to go to cali, but i love
okay, thats it for now :) thanks for reading about my crazy little life! above all, Jesus is faithful and i learn it more every day!

what guys wish we knew about our clothes

after conducting a modesty survey among some guy friends (these guys are everything from college students to athletes, musicians, pastors, authors, college students, dads, husbands, high schoolers, non Christian guys, and Christian guys)

here's what i heard:

the question:

'What would you like to tell all girls about their clothes?"

their answers (all real guys!):

-I wish girls knew that when they wear revealing clothes, it makes them appear weak, striving, faithless, wordly and dangerous. when a woman dresses modestly, yet pretty, she appears confident, respectful, attractive and at peace with herself. i like 1 peter 3:4 as an admonishment to gals. tight clothes, mid driffs, underwear showage are all totally horrible to dudes too. i think that goes without saying.

-Beauty is not defined in outward appearance, fancy hairstyles or jewelry! beauty is defined by the heart. the world says you have to look a certain way and be a certain size to be worth anything. girls are beautiful because they are created in the image of God! the most attractive woman is the girl whose heart is after the Lord's! You are valuable because of who Jesus is.

-Anything immodest is stuff that reveals anything that shouldn't be or anything that is too tight. it depends on length. if i can see lots of thigh, it does not help me. also, low cut shirts.

-i think anything short or low cut is sick and unattractive. i mean come on...mystery! i dig chicks that dont have their business hanging out.

-HIDE THE BOOBIES! seriously, we know they are there. no one thinks youre hot because you have cleavage. we dont need your help. and no one needs to see your butt crack so put that away. i dont give a crap about collar bones or spaghetti straps but if you have to bend with your knees sideways, your skirt is too short, and YES we noticed.

-More modest is better! LESS SKIN IS BETTER!

-I think its less the clothes and more of a mindset, attitude and heart issue. if a girl wants a guy to "notice" her, its apparent. i think girls are rarely 'ACCIDENTALLY' immodest! skirt length never really caused me to stumble, but its the chesty girls that wanna show the world. cleavage or really tight shirts is super annoying.

-Even nice guys cant always keep from looking at cleavage if you put it out there.

-Please please wear less eyeliner! and i dont like it when girls wear really short shorts.

-I wish all of them would dress classier. thats what i love about my lady!

-I think 2 piece swimsuits on christian women are a complete disrespect to their christian brothers.

-Ill fitting or loose clothes can cause just as much stumbling as some blatant immodesty. its not always the amount of skin showing (short skirts/normal shorts), but the perception of seeing more than it seems you should.

-Dont show cleavage in any degree, even if and when you bend over. no g-strings showing! guys see that a lot!

-Anything too short and too tight is not good!

-I'd say just remember your power. It is way too easy to distract and drive guys crazy, so have a little consideration for the fellas. We want to know you and care for you as a whole person but putting your assets, so to speak, outside of the proper context of relationship is confusing to us and counter productive to getting our best. Don't pretend like you don't know how weak we are. Hah!

-I'd say dress right for the occasion. I say this because I know in the summer it's hard to find modest swim wear that allows your skin to see the sun. Find something that is comfortable but doesn't specifically accentuate your figure. Hard to do, I know. Basically dress with the idea in mind that you are saving as much as you can for your future spouse. Cleavage is a no-no in pretty much any situation. Showing the belly can be considered classy under normal circumstances but I for one easily stumble over that one.Choose shorts that are comfortable but aren't too tight or too short.I'd just go back to the whole, save as much for your future spouse as you can. You will be so glad you did and God will bless your relationship because of it :) And another thing,theres nothing wrong with baggier clothes. I promise we wont hold it against you.

-Girls need to stop dressing in whats popular and become more original. go to boutiques or goodwill! as far as style, you can create your own original style. Modest girls are cool. They dont rely on their appearance, but that have a great personable attitude. they are not insecure!

-Well in my humble, little opinion, I would tell girls this: "Instead of

trying to catch guy's attention by wearing inappropriate clothing, try
catching their attention by displaying what's in their heart. I personally
find girls who make a conscious effort to dress modestly and act in a Godly
manner way more attractive than sleazy chicks trying to show off. I would
also tell girls that when they dress inappropriately, they're not going to
be attracting the kind of guy they would ever want to get into a
relationship with. Guys like me appreciate girls who dress modestly and
think girls like that are way cool. However, I'm not saying girls should go
around wearing turtlenecks year round (that's just stupid), I'm simply
saying lower skirts and higher shirts are cool."

-Well you don't have to dress like an old lady, but you don't want to dress like a slut either. Girls shouldn't have cleavage sticking out, and their dress/skirt shouldn't be really short because those two things will make guys stumble.

-I might add; Don't dress like the girl you think dresses improperly. I know all girls check each others clothes out, and make judgments based on how other girls are dressed; so when you see a girl dressed like a "skank"(girls think that, so I'm not just saying it) don't dress like her. If you want to make a guy truly like/love, you appeal to his intellect; it'll last longer than if you appealed to his lust.

-if I feel the need to avert my eyes, there is a problem!

my valentine.

this is my favorite picture of us...taken in front of the grand ole opry in nashville, the day we got engaged.

i love the picture...

and i love him.

we've made it through good times and bad, mistakes and heartache, joys and victories. and we're still standing.

thank you Jesus for this man...i love him so very much.

"i have found the one my soul loves" song of songs 3:4

she plays the flute.

i walked into this term feeling pretty confident. after all, i have been a child advocate for two years, had numerous years of nanny experience, and a minor in psychology. i figured it would be a breeze to do mental health assessments with adolescents and children this term.

i was wrong.

my first day, dressed in sharp professional dress and heels, i was working in the nurse's office, doing informal counseling and nursing care for the children who were in and out through the day. my very first patient was a young lady with long, brown hair. she was at the awkward stage; not quite used to the growth and acne that middle school brings on. she came into the office in tears, having just slammed her fist into a wall in anger. as i iced and medicated her, the story came tumbling out, in gulping sobs and tears. she was depressed, lonely, and had just been "dumped" by a fellow 6th grader. but it was when i lifted her sleeve to bandage her wounds that i truly saw just how lonely she was. her wrists were covered in raised scars, bearing testament to a life no one quite understood. her mom was a single mom, working three jobs, and she simply had nowhere to go. violence was normal in the family, and she had trouble making friends. "i eat lunch in the bathroom", she confided softly, "that way no one notices i sit alone." my heart broke as her story just kept spilling out, bits and pieces emerging as i sat with her. when she left, i realized i had been wrong. this would be no easy job, no task where i would be rewarded with smiling, perfect kids who would throw their arms around me and go home to perfect families.

they are broken hearts with broken families.

kids who bear the labels of "stupid" and "retarded".

girls who think they are ugly because thats all they have been told.

boys who dont know how to treat women because they watched their dad break their mom's ribs.

children so hungry for attention, they cling to anyone who gives it to them.

the young lady i am writing a paper about is a tiny, pixie-like brunette. she has a smattering of freckles that dance across her little face, with eyes that tell a painful story beyond her age. she is doing school work of a second grader. we struggle through math and reading, and i work with her on telling time with a big plastic clock.

she is in seventh grade.

and yes, i read her chart. i read about her past abuse. i read her psychiatric evaluations, of her falling more and more behind each year in school. i saw her test scores and her rankings.

i saw her history of oppositional disorder, of emotional disturbance...

but then i watch as she is ignored in the halls, as she struggles to read music in band class, and i walk with her back to the classroom as whispers of her grade-mates follow us. what they dont see is what i see. she is funny, desperately funny. she draws, she plays the flute. she has a quick smile, and a ready laugh. under the diagnosis, she is a little girl.

broken hearts, broken people.

Jesus lets me be His hands and His feet these clinical days.

what a privilege.

"When the art of medicine is loved, so also is humanity"-Hippocrates

Driscoll on Marriage

Three general categories that describe many marriages:

1) Non-Christian Feminism No distinction between the roles of husband and wife. They live parallel lives, legally married but functionally single.

2) Christian Egalitarianism No distinction between the roles of husband and wife. They also live parallel lives, but often share some unifying, ephemeral elements (e.g. kids, hobbies, church).

3) Christian Complementarianism Husband and wife fulfill distinct and equal roles. They live as one together under God’s authority with unified purpose.

Wives are to follow their husband’s leadership

Husbands are commanded to love their wives as Jesus loves the Church (Eph. 5:25); Jesus died for the Church. Jesus’ example guards against chauvinism and other abuses of the principle of submission.

Ways a husband can handle disagreements with his wife:

1. Pray and discuss with your wife. Be patient. Wait for her to come around.
2. Appeal to a higher authority (pastor/counselor).
3. If the matter is pressing and/or a decision cannot be reached, the husband must decide. His wife should submit to the decision.

Wives are to preach wordless sermons

Those who have unbelieving husbands should not nag or be preachy, but rather love, serve, and respect their husbands, praying that God would use these actions to soften the husband’s heart.

Wives are to cultivate true beauty

There is nothing wrong with outward beauty, but it is “fleeting and deceptive” (Prov. 31:30). Holiness is true beauty. Godly wives have a quiet and gentle spirit; they are not silent, but prudent (knowing when and where to speak).

Wives should seek to know exemplary women

Peter gives Sarah as an example, and the Bible is clear that she is flawed. She is exemplary for her honesty and repentance, not because she is perfect; she ultimately did submit to God and to her husband.

Wives should fight fear

Fear (what if it doesn’t work out? what if I’m unhappy? what if my husband makes a bad decision?) makes life miserable and should be fought against by faith.

Submission Does Not Mean:

1. A husband is in ultimate authority.
2. A wife does not have independent thoughts.
3. A wife does not seek to influence her husband.
4. A wife must obey her husband’s command to sin.
5. A wife is less intelligent or competent than her husband.

Submission Does Mean:

1. A husband and wife are equal with complementary roles.
2. Wives are to submit like Jesus did in Gethsemane (Luke 22:42).
3. Husbands are to lovingly lead like Jesus does the Church (Eph. 5:25).
4. A single woman should only marry a man she can follow.
5. Christian marriage shows the Trinity and the gospel.

Hear No Evil Blog Tour

I was thirteen when my first copy of CCM Magazine came in the mail, crisp and shiny, reeking of the pungent ink-and-paper smell. I read it cover to cover, soaking in the articles, and running my fingers over the glossy press shots of Avalon, Plus One, and Point of Grace. I was sure I was their biggest, most devoted fan. I announced to my mom that I was going to write for CCM someday. Matthew Paul Turner was the reason I wanted to write for CCM. (He doesn’t believe me, but I always read his column first, during his stint as editor at the magazine). I was a star-struck thirteen year old, with big dreams, and the surety that I was going to change the industry singlehandedly…sure that my “making it” into the pages of CCM was the holy grail of my career. (I was wrong; more on that later…) Today, Matthew has become a friend; the one not afraid to tell me when an article is terrible, the one I can count on to humble my flighty ego.

When Matthew told me he was going to write a book about the music industry, I thought, “Here we go!” I knew it was a book he needed to write. See, the Christian music industry is a funny thing; it’s a volatile mix of injustice and community. It’s these kinds of things you will find hidden in the pages of “Hear No Evil”. It’s typical Turner humor, with biting wit alongside moments that will move you to tears. You will meet people in this book, much like his last work, “Churched”. It’s really about finding the stories. You’ll meet Tina, a young woman trying to “make it” as a singer, and you will weep as you watch her story unfold. You’ll laugh through the anecdotes that Turner shares about growing up in a Baptist church where worldly music was like dancing…not even an option. You’ll meet James, whose jaded view of the industry causes him to walk away. I found one more story in the middle of this incredible book. I found me. See, I got my dream job. I held the holy grail. For two years, it was my name in print at CCM. My byline alongside those glossy press shots and album reviews. It feels good at the top. It feels great to be respected and part of the “industry”. There is wonderful community to be found in the CCM circles. But it’s not all there is. When CCM made budget cuts, I watched my “dream career” slip away. I think I grieved a little. But there were parts of it I don’t miss. I don’t miss the industry of it, to be honest. I still work as a publicist, working to give some independent artists the guidance and expertise they need to navigate the waters and still come out unscathed, with integrity. But I don’t miss the censorship, the extra time certain artists get in the spotlight, the airbrushing. I work for a website committed to social justice now. I spent my last weekend writing articles about Haiti. It was freeing.

Turner’s humor mingles with brutal honesty and its refreshing. I read the entirety of “Hear No Evil”, front to back, in the middle of the airport on a layover...in two hours. i couldn't put it down. I think my legs were numb from sitting so long, but I couldn’t put it down. I sent Matthew an email, after nearly crying through his book, and said thank you.

Read this book. It will change anyone involved with Christian music. From the twenty something packing for Nashville to the publicist in New York City…it will open your eyes and your heart.

So thank you, friend.

Bravo.

visit http://www.jesusneedsnewpr.blogspot.com to find out how to purchase the book.

where we've been and where we're going...

my friend informed me today that drew and my initials are, in fact, the dolce and gabbana logo. i googled it and voila. she was right.

in good news, we have a wedding date! pretty exciting, since we have been engaged since july 8th, but we found a date! we will become mr and mrs on july 17th, 2010! 7.17.10 sounds pretty good to us! 168 days to go...and we are starting to see we have a lot to get done before then :) my friend matt reminded me yesterday to just breathe, and so far that advice has been helpful with the stress of school, work, writing nearly full time, and drew still being in montgomery.

nursing school is going quite well! i was placed at ashland middle school with the wonderful kids there, doing some therapy and being a school nurse there as my internship. i love it so far. they are amazing, wonderful kids with broken homes but big hearts. i'm managing (by a large miracle, i am sure) to have pulled straight A's so far. our first large exam is on tuesday, but i have been acing every paper, lab, sim, and assignment. i'm pretty happy about it, since im working almost 40 hours a week between my two jobs. my job at sou keeps me nice and busy, with about 26-30 hours a week; writing press releases, blogging professionally, and attending various events with my boss. it's a relatively low stress job, and my boss is the best, so its quite flexible with my schedule. i can even work from home some days. i'm working doing some writing off and on, mostly for halogen, a wonderful site that i have quickly fallen in love with. its a site dedicated to social justice issues, and i was honored to write several pieces on haiti after the earthquake, and it was incredible to see a Community arise amidst the horror that is still going on. sorting through the pictures and the research was heartbreaking. alot of the money i made from my writing went to relief efforts. halogen has allowed me to spread my wings creatively, and im grateful. my first published works as far as a book will be published in 2011! i was selected to be part of a team contributing to an anthology called "Great Lives in African American History". i have never written for a book before, so i am quite thrilled. deadline is march 2010, and i will be published the following year...with my married name! i am not sure which part i was more excited about...the book or the married pen name part...

we had another health scare this past week, with my left eye. it swelled up on monday, and by monday night, i was in excruciating pain. i missed all my classes this week, but my teachers have been gracious to help me make up the missed time. by tuesday, i was on vicodin and getting scary ctscans and specialist visits. i was rushed around to three different practitioners. currently, they still have no answers, and i'm waiting for referral to a neurologist. i am functioning in a haze of painkillers, which is frustrating for me, since i hate to be on any kind of medication. it seems like we have been given the run-around with doctors, and its certainly been a test of my attitude and patience. i was convicted this morning by this proverb:

Proverbs 21:23 He who guards his mouth and his tongue keeps himself from calamity.

let's hope i can remember that. today, the eye dr called to inform me that i had "missed yesterday's appointment at 3:15". i calmly reminded them that i had called to make the said appointment at 4:00 yesterday, so i could not have preemptively missed an appointment. thankfully i kept my cool :p

as we wait for answers to a scary eye issue (my left eye is already much worse than my right. they can no longer bring me to 20/20 in it anymore), we are reminded of God's merciful kindness through all of it.

"I sought the Lord, and he answered me, and delivered me from all my fears!" ps.34.4

proverbs.

i have been doing crosspoint church's 30 days of proverbs. i have realized i love the proverbs! they are so practical. i loved yesterdays:

A generous man will himself be blessed,
for he shares his food with the poor. -Prov. 22:5

my roommate and i were thinking about this yesterday, when two little girls came to the door raising money for Haiti through their school program. we realized how faithful the Lord is to us, and how little we have to complain about. i was thinking about it in reference to yesterday's blog, too....how i have been trying to be better with my budget, and it dawned on me WHY. this month, i was able to give above ten percent of my income to haiti, through world vision and samaritan's purse. i realized thepurpose of saving and spending wisely, is that i have the ability to give freely. what a revelation that was. and how freeing to see how being a wise steward lets me a be a generous giver. and what a Faithful God, who is patient when i am so dense to learn this simple truths!

Exodus 34:6

And he passed in front of Moses, proclaiming, "The LORD, the LORD, the compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness.