a year, a baby, and two go-bags

we celebrated a year of marriage yesterday! can't believe it's been that long, but also can't believe how many things we've been through in just 365 days. We were married Dec 12, 2010, with literally barely 200 dollars to our name...We honeymooned in Disneyland and then moved into the world's tiniest apartment. we learned, after moving in, that this apartment had no oven. it also had no laundry machine, and no dishwasher. We spent many nights at the laundromat (which i refused to go to alone because i was afraid i was going to get "stabbed and murdered", even though it was perfectly safe) watching movies and doing work. We also spent many nights cooking in a toaster oven. By "we", i mean me burning food for the first month solid. I now feel very proud that I can cook in a teeny oven and produce edible casseroles in a 9x9 pan. Nevermind the turkey meatball disaster and the charred brownies. (Cooking in a toaster oven is a very interesting experience. Everyone should try it, because when you have a real oven, you want to hug it every single day. For real.) I have actually learned to bake. Amazing, I know. My limited repertoire now includes applesauce coffee cake, caramel walnut cookies, muffins, and cupcakes. We eat a lot of applesauce coffee cake :)

I also now have a dishwasher.

I may or may not hug it as well.

We also spent the second month of our marriage in the hospital. Nearly going blind and being rushed to the hospital does wonders to bring you closer as a couple! My husband never once even seemed slightly stressed, even when the bills started rolling in...to the tune of thousands AFTER insurance. We were blessed with really good jobs and supplemental income, and amazingly, by sticking to a budget, we have paid off every single hospital bill from this year. We've stashed money into savings, and moved into a home that is almost three times the size of our first one bedroom. The Lord is good and always provides.

Month five of our marriage brought a happy surprise; news that a tiny member of our family was on their way. I finished nursing school amid morning sickness and graduated with a 10-week baby bump! We found out she was a girl when we were 18 weeks along and have been in love with her sweet little button nose and rosebud lips ever since.

We've walked through most of a difficult pregnancy, two eye surgeries, hospitalizations, moving, a car breaking down, buying a new car, making a budget, graduation, nursing school, a failed NCLEX, new jobs, a date night every tuesday, paying bills, building a crib, decorating a new house, and the joys of everyday life for a year. I couldn't be more thankful for walking through all of it with my very best friend. Drew is kind, slow to argue, quick to lend a hand, and ever patient with my hormones and tears and trips to the hospital. Here we are, a year into this, happier than ever. Armed with a tiny pink carseat, two "go-bags" and awaiting our tiny girl. God is truly good.

"I have found the one my soul loves!" Songs 3:4

five years.

drew and i had an impromptu date last night; since we don't have internet hooked up yet, we went to Starbucks to have coffee together and catch up on various work. two for one holiday drinks make for a yummy and inexpensive date night. while we were sitting there, i ran into an old friend. i hadn't seen him in about five years, so he didn't know i was married or pregnant. i was shocked to see him, since he looked so much different than i had remembered. years ago, i would have considered him a close friend. he came to some of my birthday parties, and we had a group of friends we hung out with often. he was always the life of the party. funny, smart and everyone's buddy. i had heard he wasn't doing well, but i didn't know the extent at all. when i saw him last night, i saw just a glimpse of the guy i once knew.

he's homeless now.

battling poverty, addiction, medical conditions, and a crumbled relationship.

i almost didn't recognize him.

gone was the clean cut, sharp, funny and sweet twenty-something,

and there in his place stood a weathered, sad, and so-much-older man.

five years is a long time.

i left starbucks hand in hand with my husband. my precious, giving, adoring husband. feeling my tiny daughter happily wiggling. in our warm car, headed to a new, warm house.

how sobering.

a little news from our corner of the world...

the biggest piece of news is that we've moved!

our sweet little townhouse feels like a mansion to us after leaving our 330 square foot apartment! this new place is almost three times that size. we love the new carpet, new paint and new floor features of it, but i also love the dishwasher, oven, and laundry machines that i did not have in our last apartment. i volunteered to bring three side dishes to our family thanksgiving because i was so excited about baking :) Emmy's room has the crib at least set up in it, looks great and is so sweet. we decided on white, charcoal grey and hot pink for her colors.

the second piece of news is that i got a new job! surprising, since i wasn't really looking; this totally fell right into my hands. i'm now doing social media consulting and management for three local companies. it pays great and is 100% at home. i am very excited; as it gives me a chance to expand my repertoire and use my skills learned in three years of marketing at a university. i'm considering offering this as part of my company eventually. i'm working on some new music with a few new artists as well. i'm overwhelmed with gratitude with the opportunity to make a good income and also not lose out on time with my tiny baby girl. i've wanted to be a stay at home mama at least until she's bigger, and this allows me to do both.

that's all for us...just gearing up for thanksgiving, and unpacking boxes. Emmy continues to grow at a rather alarming rate (to me!), and kicks and wiggles all day long. she is a complete doll; pretty much sleeps when i sleep and wakes when her daddy leaves for work. she responds to our voices by moving her head towards whoever is speaking. we are so in love with her tiny little wiggly self <3

33 weeks...

only about 7 more weeks till we meet our sweet girl. these moments are so precious...i can't wait to meet Emmersyn, but this special time is going by so fast. last night, i watched my husband read her a bedtime story (all about Princess Belle :) and i felt the tears welling up. she loves her daddy. she wakes up when he talks to her, and she loves bedtime stories already! watching him talk to her and already love being her daddy only makes me love him more! we are exceedingly blessed.

why we chose a natural birth

i've gotten A LOT of comments about our choice to do the Bradley method. Most involve horrific stories of traumatic births and emergency C-sections, followed by lengthy lectures about why I will want an epidural "for sure" and how I can't possibly know how horrible birth is. The worst have been people asking if I "think I am better than them because I am choosing natural birth". So i'm here to set the record straight.

I most definitely do NOT think I am better than any mama who has chosen an epidural, a c-section, or a medicated labor. I respect any woman who has put her body through carrying these tiny babies, and getting through any kind of birth should be celebrated! I do not think I am a better mama, a more educated person, or holier-than-thou for choosing an unmedicated birth.

Next, I love modern medicine. Unlike a few other natural birth aficionados, my husband and I have nothing but respect and admiration for our healthcare team. As a nurse, I respect others who have chosen the healthcare field, and definitely do not think all of modern medicine is full of conspiracy and evil. I know these things happen in healthcare, but we have been very blessed with a healthcare team at Providence who are WONDERFUL, gifted and supportive. We have not chosen a home birth, nor do we feel that is the right choice for our particular situation. I have a number of health concerns including asthma, potential for a repeated eye rupture, and previous cardiac complications that necessitate me being in a hospital setting. It makes us feel very comfortable knowing we have a capable and caring team of individuals around who want the best for Emmersyn and I. I am thankful for oxygen, IV pumps, the ability to have a C-section in 5 minutes, and the ability for monitoring of our sweet girl.

I also love my doctor (in a non-creepy way). My husband and I have found a wonderful, Christian doctor who cares about our family and prays for our daughter. He takes time to make personal calls to us whenever Emmersyn has new scans or appointments, and we have never felt rushed, or hurried out the door. I think choosing a doctor is very important, and we feel great about our choice. I certainly trust his judgement. If a complication arises, we know he will give us the best, most appropriate options, and his openness to my birth plan is reassuring. I feel confident that, if I were unable to make medical decisions for myself, that our doctor would choose the best option with my husband.

I love the Bradley. Eating healthy, exercising, and learning to relax through the pain is incredibly inspiring and makes me feel calm and collected going into labor. My husband has been incredible supportive of this method and has done his part to learn the material and practice with me. That being said, we are not dead-set on a drug free birth. We want a healthy baby. If something happens and we can't have a natural birth, I will be sad but not heartbroken.

I am not obsessed with the Bradley, nor do I center my life around it. I pray for our daughter and for my strength during labor, and the Lord will deliver her however He would like. We can work hard and learn the material, but overall, the Lord is in control.

The absolute worst thing that I have heard involves speculation about how awful it would be if Emmersyn had special needs. Me having/not having electronic fetal monitoring, having/not vaccinations, or particular types of labor and somehow linking that to the "horror" of having a child with special needs is incredibly tacky to bring up. We have many friends and family members who have been blessed with children with special needs. What a dishonor we do them when we assume that we know the cause/prevention of their "new normal". I have done everything within my ability to protect our tiny daughter, and I will for her whole life! But I cannot control her having or not having special needs. We will love and embrace her no matter what. We had an 18 week ultrasound to determine her gender and they were able to check for Down's Syndrome. Her ultrasound was negative for Downs, clubfeet, and other heart defects, and we were thankful. And I admit, my heart stopped for a brief moment when I realized she could have any sort of handicap. But we love our daughter. She is ours, she is precious, and she is perfectly made.

"Having a child with special needs is NOT a tragedy. The tragedy would be raising a child who is cruel to someone with special needs". -Unknown

Why I do what i do...a peek into the Christian music industry

When I started my company almost two years ago, I didn't know it would actually take off. I have been blessed to work with some AMAZING artists, but it's not always glamorous (in fact, it's rarely glamorous) or fun, or even encouraging some days. It's more paperwork that I could have imagined, artist contracts, proposals, and listening to more music than I knew my ears could withstand. There are days I forget why I do this. When the obstacles and difficulties are more than the pay could warrant. Unreturned emails, thousands of voicemails, trips the post office that don't end.

Then I hear the song.

The one that I know I've been waiting for..the one that shows me that all I've been working on is worth it, because someone else will get to hear this song.

Like today.

And I get so thankful that I get to help these artists do what they love, because it is truly, truly, what I love to do. I love the organizing and the phone calls and those moments when you hear the song on the radio and know that you got it there. I love what I do. And I'm honored to do it.

Which brings me to the next news; I am opening up two spots on my roster for an independent artist. Please let me know if you or someone you know is looking for management and send them my way. wondermentmgmt@me.com. Thanks!

Couponing Week 1

Thanks to the help of some friends, I am now on my journey of couponing! I made my handy coupon binder last week thanks to the Krazy Coupon Lady's blog. i ventured out on Sunday afternoon to tackle the first of my purchases at our local Safeway...here's how i did:

-Two pillsbury cinnamon rolls (we love these on Saturday mornings)

$2.49 regular price x 2 = $4.98

-$1.00 off/2 Safeway coupon

-$1.00 off/2 manufacturer coupon

-$.50/2 store coupon

= $2.48 for both

-Betty Crocker Supreme brownie mixes (I like to stock up on these :)

$3.49 regular price x 2 +$7.98

-$1.00 off/2 store coupons

-$1.00 off/2 manufacturer coupon

-$1.00 club card savings off each

-$1.00 additional manufacturer coupon

= $2.98 for both (saved five dollars!)

Herbal Essences Shampoo (Target)

$2.49 regular price x 2 = 4.98

-$1.00 Target beauty bag coupon/each

-$1.00 manufacturer coupon/each

= two for 0.98!!!

Coupons are tricky, you can definitely get caught up getting stuff you didn't need to start with. I found a GREAT deal on bar soap, but we prefer body wash type soap, so it would have been silly to get those. Also, even with coupons, the item can be more expensive than if you just found it on sale or got the off brand. Example: I had a double coupon for Lucky Charms, but the regular price was 6.49! Even with 2.00 off, 4.49 for a box of cereal is absurd. It's also awkward to go to a store for only a few things, but I'm already saving money...I saved 27.00 this weekend alone on things we use and needed. I'm also following the new rule of buying things for next year after the event/season. Here's a few of the deals I've found recently:

-Walmart after-halloween sale:

-Two sets of plastic tumblers (great for having people over!) $0.50

-Harvest themed paper plates $0.20

-"Fall" hand towels $0.75

-Candy for operation christmas child (regular price 5.49) $1.00

-Gift bags in harvest colors (but can be used for anything!)$0.75 for two

Gymboree children's sale (post season)

-18-24 month dress for Emmersyn, regular price $42.50. Sale price: $3.99

-18-24 month jeans and top for Emmersyn, regular price 39.50 sale $3.99

-Size 9 year old dress for my niece, regular price $32.50, sale $3.99

-Newborn size headband, jammies, hat regular price $50.00, sale $3.99

-Size 5 dress for my other niece, regular price $49.50, sale $3.99

I ended up getting 16 items for an amazing $25.00 with the combination of sales and coupons! I got over 375.00 worth of clothes for barely a fraction of the original prices. I love Gymboree too because their quality is great. I stocked up on tons of dresses, sweaters, and jammies for our baby girl too :), and got almost all our nieces and nephews brand new clothes for Christmas!

from working woman to...stay at home mommy?

it has always been my husband's and my dream for me to be able to stay at home and enjoy a full time "mommy-hood" lifestyle. we had it pretty mapped out; get out of student loan debt, i would quit my job, and be a full time mama...then two pink lines showed up and now we have our precious 3 lb 2 oz daughter almost in our arms. happened fast, and though we wouldn't change a thing, its changed our priorities. we are working hard to get out of debt, and have done a good job so far paying off absurdly high medical bills (my eye surgeries wiped us out for six months!), and staying away from excess debt by living simply and learning to budget. all that considered, we will be a one-income family for at least four months beginning in December. and let me tell you...being a two income family hasn't been extravagant, but it's downright cushy compared to a single income. hence, my newest journey, and the reason for the facelift to my blog... i'm learning how to be a stay at home mama, and also learning to cut back on expenses by becoming....an extreme couponer. yes, i said it! we've all been there haven't we? stuck behind the "crazy couponer" for 30 minutes behind the person in the checkout line with four inches of coupons clutched in their hands.

and now i'm about to become her.

my mom always taught us the value of a good deal when we were growing up, and she managed to run a household of 6 on a single income from my dad (something i find even more amazing as i begin to look at running a household of 3 on one income). even so, this is a whole new ballgame. i'm just starting out, so i'm beginning my "coupon binder" this week. there's like a whole new language to this couponing thing (words like BOGO and redplum and stacking make me want to quit before i have even started)...it's practically a job, it requires time and patience and a whole lot of organization to really accomplish anything more than a year's worth of excess pasta.

everyone has asked if i feel nervous about being a stay at home mom. to be honest...

i'm terrified. i couldn't be more thrilled about being with our tiny girl, i was a nanny for almost 8 years and am a nurse, so the idea of actually parenting a baby is not what i'm worried about. i've handled up to 16 kids on my own (that was a nightmare of a nannying job), and can change a diaper and soothe a baby like a pro. so unlike most first time mamas, the thought of a fever or screaming baby doesn't faze me. it's the "being home all the time" part. since high school, i have been running around like a chicken with my head cut off. i am busy. constantly, unceasingly busy. i have always worked at least one job, sometimes up to four. i thrive on being busy. the thought of being home by myself with no one but this tiny, sleeping infant makes me want to nervously start creating "to-do" lists so i can stay busy. i'm sure i'll adjust, but i get panicky after one day off...hopefully couponing will take some of that excess time up...or i'll start watching daytime TV.

i always wanted to watch re-runs of Judge Judy :)

30 weeks...can it be??

Yes, already it seems our sweet Emmy-Grace is a whopping 30 weeks. She weighs in at about 3 lbs and seems to be happily growing and wiggling inside me! We can't believe how fast this pregnancy is flying by, and yet there seems to be so much to do to get ready for her birth. I have been feeling pretty good; still working, and doing my best to battle the back pain that comes from being petite and carrying a baby. My last day at work is Dec 12, if I don't go into labor before then, and then I'll be a stay-at-home mommy to Emmersyn until she is at least three months old. We are still praying about whether I will take an on-call position (1-2 days a week) or I will continue to stay at home. We are confident the Lord will work it out when the time comes, either way. Until then, I continue to find too many clothes for our girl, and am getting things ready for her arrival. I think the nesting instinct has kicked in because all I want to do is clean our house, organize her clothes, and pack her hospital bag...

Our lease is up in November, and we are moving to a bigger place. Although I will be thrilled to have a real oven, a dishwasher, and a washer/dryer, I must admit I will miss our tiny apartment. It's cozy and we have enjoyed 10 happy months of wedded bliss in it...

We are headed to Portland on Nov 11, to celebrate our one year wedding anniversary a month early...I didn't think that at 36 weeks pregnant, I would enjoy traveling/shopping/sleeping in a hotel bed, so we decided it'll be easier to travel next month instead. We are hoping to snag some goodies for our new house at the fun IKEA in Portland.

Hubby still is enjoying his job in online marketing, while I pass my days away as a marketing assistant at Southern Oregon University/Social Media Coordinator at CCM Magazine/owner of Wonderment Entertainment. My jobs keep me pretty busy, though I find I am pretty slow getting around these days with tiny girly wiggling 24/7 and kicking me in the ribs and back.

That's about it for us...we have a checkup with our baby doc tomorrow!

Third Trimester!

Our precious, sweet baby is 27 weeks! Weighing in at 2.2 lbs and 15 inches from head to toe, she is beginning to really pack a punch...she kicked her daddy's hand pretty hard the other day, has lots of bouts with hiccups, and enjoys kicking and rolling for about 20 mins at a time during the day. i wish i could see if she was sucking her thumb, but i would need a 24/7 ultrasound to do that :) her daddy and i are beginning baby preparations (eek!) including her darling crib and carseat/stroller combo. i'm not sure where people are taking their babies these days, but they make some serious all-terrain strollers. since we are not taking her to the Alps, or off-roading, we are settling for the "we're going the mall" stroller.

after a scare with pre-term labor, i have had no other contractions, and we are really thankful she is staying put in her cozy little home (i assume my womb is cozy...i have no idea.)

in other news, we have a new car to bring her home in, a lovely, immaculate, new-to-us Dodge Stratus. it's by FAR the nicest car either one of us have owned, and it's really safe and new for the little one we will be bringing home. although i have picked neutral things for her crib, and her pack n' play, and her highchair, etc, the neutral infant carseat was really hideous and had monkeys and bananas all over it. so the one we've picked is pink and brown and since she'll only be in it until she's 22 lbs, we can just get another with baby #2 (i can't believe we will even have one, much less two, ever). i'm all set to go with my CUTE petunia picklebottom bags, in the boxy backpack and the adorable cross town clutch! You can see them here: http://petuniapicklebottom.com/collections/original/boxybackpacks/siestainsevilla/

the bags are spendy, but are really great quality and made out of great coated fabric so they wipe right off.

our Bradley birth class is...interesting...drew and i feel like the trouble makers because we are apparently having too much fun. last week we did "labor rehearsals" using ice cubes (?) and when i started snickering because water was dripping down my clothes, the instructor came over and asked "what the issue" was. "the issue" was that it was hilarious, but she didn't share our humor, i guess! also, i have thought it was my week to bring snacks multiple weeks in a row now, which has resulted in me baking absurdly complicated desserts full of stuff like spelt flour and agave, only to be left with dozens of leftovers upon discovering it wasn't our turn. husband i have gained a ton of weight from eating all of the baked goods! (it really is my week this week, btw. i checked. i have to bring spinach dip. have i ever made spinach dip? no. i will let you know how that goes). all in all, we have learned a little bit, and the couples in the class are super nice, so we will keep going (and getting fat from baking). i am not sure how a "2 hour class" has morphed into a "3 hour class' but let's all just say a prayer of thankfulness that labor rehearsals are at the end and involve lots of pillows and darkness and mini-naps. (if it was happening on a thursday, i would probably hightail it outta there every week so i didn't miss grey's). i'm all for natural birth and i do believe it is the right decision for us, but i simply don't revolve my life around it. the Lord knows when and how she is going to make her appearance. i will exercise and eat healthy and do the workbook, but my life moves on in the next 13 weeks. i think that's why i have trouble with the class...the teacher is a little bit obsessed with it all. i work 40 hours a week so i can't find time to sit there and read 24/7...i have already done the research. anyways, long story short, we love the Bradley, love our fellow parent couples, but could really do without the three hour class.

i'm finally "looking pregnant" according to three ladies at church who announced that they didn't know i was expecting till this week. i feel the size of a small country, but have in fact not gotten out of maternity size XS, so i must not be as big as i feel.

that's about it for an update! can't wait to actually have baby pictures!!!

fear and the great unknown

being pregnant is one of the most terrifying experiences of my whole life.

there.

i said it.

ever since two pink lines told me that there was a tiny person growing inside me, i was filled with fear. feat that something would happen, that we would lose this little one, that days filled with happiness would be clouded with grief. and as she has grown, i've had to let go of those fears. for the first few months, i didn't even want to buy things for the baby, because i was scared we would have to look at a closet of clothes that would remind us if something happened. sweet Emmy-Grace is 26 weeks old, and i have really tried to rest in the Lord. ultimately, i cannot control the circumstances of her birth/arrival/growth and i have to enjoy every moment i get to be her mama. i battled fear last week when i was having almost 4 hours of regular, painful contractions and i thought we might be having our sweet girl much too early.

to be quite honest, i have battled fear and anxiety a lot these past few months as the financial trials seemed to keep coming. dealing with health insurance, rising hospital bills from my last surgery, and upcoming new bills related to Emmy, it felt like we were sinking. it all cumulated with the most recent loss of our one car, my 1997 Ford Taurus. it couldn't have come at a worse time, it seemed, when we were just beginning to establish an actual savings account and making more than our bills were costing. but as always, the Lord has been extremely gracious to us. we have had a very healthy baby girl thus far, easy and low-cost appointments, and never been unable to pay a bill. i got a sizeable raise last month, and we were able to find transportation from gracious friends as we looked for a car.

fear is eager to rob our joy. my beautiful friend Sara Frankl passed away a few nights ago, someone who would have been seemingly justified in living in fear (she battled chronic illness/infection and pain and had to be restricted to her home), but for whom joy was the only option. she always chose joy. thankfulness. eucharistia. i wish that i could have gotten to see Sara run into the arms of her Saviour, because I know without a doubt that she was welcomed and rejoiced over. she lived well and died well.

Sara knew.

She knew that our God is not a God who leaves us vacant.

Will He strip things away to let us rely on Him? Yes.

Bills, housing, cars, children...all causes that can make us tremble with fear.

He will never leave us vacant.

"I've picked you. I haven't dropped you. Don't panic. I'm with you. There's no need to fear for I'm your God. I'll give you strength. I'll help you. I'll hold you steady, keep a firm grip on you"

Isaiah 41:10

In loving memory of Sara Frankl. To live is Christ, to die is gain.

praise

i heard just this afternoon that my friend sara (gitzengirl) is headed to be with Jesus sometime in the next hours/day. she has been housebound due to a medical condition called spondylitis, and therefore i have never met her in person. i began following her blog after my friend matthew directed me there and i found a Godly, beautiful friend. sara is the epitome of love in action and finding joy in suffering. her motto was always "choose joy!". sara painted beautiful canvasses of inspiring verses and quotes and her blog is filled with fun photos and joy in the midst of great pain from her illness. i have never seen such trust in the Lord or peace in the storm that for sara, never really let up. sara loves people without bounds or measures, and does so in spite of not having the luxury of all the things we take for granted. that's why today, although i am sad and heartbroken for the loss of a beautiful friend, i am choosing joy because that's what sara would want. sara is surrounded by hospice care, and her family is surrounding her, reading her messages from friends as she waits for Jesus to take her home. she would not want anyone to be sad, because she is confident in Who awaits her.

sara chose a "word for the year" in january, and hers was "praise".

fitting, because that is what her whole life has been about.

i love you sara, and cannot wait for you to get to see Jesus.

Your heart is already His, now it gets to see Him in person.

praise.

Twenty-five days...

...until we are back in Alabama for vacation! I can't wait! We have a really packed trip planned, including a baby shower, a maternity photoshoot with the amazing Kim Box Photography, and a trip to the beach.

Sweet Emmersyn (oh, by the way, SHE'S A GIRL!) is growing like a weed, bouncing up and down on my bladder, and kicking to the sound of her daddy's voice. She is beautiful and precious, and has a tiny little ski-jump nose and rosebud lips. Many thanks to Jodi for doing a beautiful ultrasound and letting us see our precious little girl. We feel so blessed that she is healthy, as far as we can see so far. God is gracious, no matter what. My pregnancy has been difficult (the first twelve weeks), but now is blessedly peaceful. I ordered a beautiful memory keeper box from Paper Coterie who also did my wedding album. It has our family's name on the front, and will hold all of her ultrasound photos, baby shower invitations, etc, until I begin her scrapbook.

the NCLEX and the center of the world: this much i know

i took my NCLEX on tuesday. i was more peaceful and calm going into it than i have EVER been taking any test, so i felt ready to conquer it. i had breakfast with my husband (btw, great harvest makes the most delicious european style hot chocolate!), and drove to the test center feeling really good about passing. i sat down to take the test, and got thru the first 75 questions no problem. i knew that if it shut off at 75, i had a 90 percent chance that i passed, so i was feeling great. i knew every question! so when it didn't stop at 75, i remained calm. i knew a friend had gotten 160-ish, so i was determined not to panic. I kept going thru the questions, which kept getting more and more difficult (a good sign on the nclex), certain it was going to stop any minute. at 100 questions, I was still going strong, taking my time, and for certain getting correct answers. Since the questions kept increasing in difficulty (i studied three hours a day for months, got great practice test grades, and was an excellent student, and I had not even heard of some of the things they were asking at this point), I began getting confused as to why it was not stopping.

at 150, I decided to stop watching the counter.

at 199, I began to panic. my horror increased with each question.

it was not stopping.

and by 205, I was full-on crying. My brain was so tired, and i knew the questions were not going to stop until i reached the full 265. I didn't know if they were getting harder or easier anymore, because they all seemed horribly confusing.

by 255, I barely made it to the end. barely made it out of the testing center to my car before i fell apart. i knew that when you get the full questions, they only look at the very end ones to decide your passing/failing, so all the ones I knew I did well on did not really count. i was getting tons of EKG strips and lung sounds on the last few, not my strongest points, and i was crying, so i knew it was not my finest moment. i had prayed right before i went in, "Lord whatever happens, please just don't make me get the long test!"

God said no.

I came home, cried for a really long time, watched three episodes of grey's anatomy, ate chocolate, and took a nap. I was devastated. but I have a husband and friends who don't let me wallow (I have great friends and the best husband in the whole world), and I got up. I kept moving, I went on a date with my sweet husband, and I moved forward with life. Life doesn't stop for disappointments. It keeps moving. Dishes still need to be done, groceries purchased, clothes put away, laundry done. and i realized that the nclex is not the center of the world. it seemed like it was for months. and to be sure, it was important. but its not the most important thing in the world. it's really not.

i have a friend whose sister had brain surgery this week, to remove a mass. she's 21 years old. the doctors were able to get the mass out, and she has only minor vision problems now.

family friends almost lost their 17 year old daughter on an O.R. table this month. she's alive today, and she looks more beautiful than ever.

another friend lost her infant daughter recently. she had to plan a funeral for a tiny person when she should have been planning a baby shower. they are grieving.

and one of our dearest friends was hit by a car this month. he is relearning how to do everything. his wife woke up on their 2 year anniversary knowing she may never have her husband back. he's learning to walk again.

Those are the important things.

this i know: i woke up this morning in the arms of my husband, under the roof of our cozy home, feeling our precious little one wiggling to tell me good morning. we are blessed beyond measure.

even when God says no. He is the center of my universe, and the nclex is a minor blip on the line of eternity. this i know is true. always.