fear and the great unknown

being pregnant is one of the most terrifying experiences of my whole life.

there.

i said it.

ever since two pink lines told me that there was a tiny person growing inside me, i was filled with fear. feat that something would happen, that we would lose this little one, that days filled with happiness would be clouded with grief. and as she has grown, i've had to let go of those fears. for the first few months, i didn't even want to buy things for the baby, because i was scared we would have to look at a closet of clothes that would remind us if something happened. sweet Emmy-Grace is 26 weeks old, and i have really tried to rest in the Lord. ultimately, i cannot control the circumstances of her birth/arrival/growth and i have to enjoy every moment i get to be her mama. i battled fear last week when i was having almost 4 hours of regular, painful contractions and i thought we might be having our sweet girl much too early.

to be quite honest, i have battled fear and anxiety a lot these past few months as the financial trials seemed to keep coming. dealing with health insurance, rising hospital bills from my last surgery, and upcoming new bills related to Emmy, it felt like we were sinking. it all cumulated with the most recent loss of our one car, my 1997 Ford Taurus. it couldn't have come at a worse time, it seemed, when we were just beginning to establish an actual savings account and making more than our bills were costing. but as always, the Lord has been extremely gracious to us. we have had a very healthy baby girl thus far, easy and low-cost appointments, and never been unable to pay a bill. i got a sizeable raise last month, and we were able to find transportation from gracious friends as we looked for a car.

fear is eager to rob our joy. my beautiful friend Sara Frankl passed away a few nights ago, someone who would have been seemingly justified in living in fear (she battled chronic illness/infection and pain and had to be restricted to her home), but for whom joy was the only option. she always chose joy. thankfulness. eucharistia. i wish that i could have gotten to see Sara run into the arms of her Saviour, because I know without a doubt that she was welcomed and rejoiced over. she lived well and died well.

Sara knew.

She knew that our God is not a God who leaves us vacant.

Will He strip things away to let us rely on Him? Yes.

Bills, housing, cars, children...all causes that can make us tremble with fear.

He will never leave us vacant.

"I've picked you. I haven't dropped you. Don't panic. I'm with you. There's no need to fear for I'm your God. I'll give you strength. I'll help you. I'll hold you steady, keep a firm grip on you"

Isaiah 41:10

In loving memory of Sara Frankl. To live is Christ, to die is gain.

praise

i heard just this afternoon that my friend sara (gitzengirl) is headed to be with Jesus sometime in the next hours/day. she has been housebound due to a medical condition called spondylitis, and therefore i have never met her in person. i began following her blog after my friend matthew directed me there and i found a Godly, beautiful friend. sara is the epitome of love in action and finding joy in suffering. her motto was always "choose joy!". sara painted beautiful canvasses of inspiring verses and quotes and her blog is filled with fun photos and joy in the midst of great pain from her illness. i have never seen such trust in the Lord or peace in the storm that for sara, never really let up. sara loves people without bounds or measures, and does so in spite of not having the luxury of all the things we take for granted. that's why today, although i am sad and heartbroken for the loss of a beautiful friend, i am choosing joy because that's what sara would want. sara is surrounded by hospice care, and her family is surrounding her, reading her messages from friends as she waits for Jesus to take her home. she would not want anyone to be sad, because she is confident in Who awaits her.

sara chose a "word for the year" in january, and hers was "praise".

fitting, because that is what her whole life has been about.

i love you sara, and cannot wait for you to get to see Jesus.

Your heart is already His, now it gets to see Him in person.

praise.

Twenty-five days...

...until we are back in Alabama for vacation! I can't wait! We have a really packed trip planned, including a baby shower, a maternity photoshoot with the amazing Kim Box Photography, and a trip to the beach.

Sweet Emmersyn (oh, by the way, SHE'S A GIRL!) is growing like a weed, bouncing up and down on my bladder, and kicking to the sound of her daddy's voice. She is beautiful and precious, and has a tiny little ski-jump nose and rosebud lips. Many thanks to Jodi for doing a beautiful ultrasound and letting us see our precious little girl. We feel so blessed that she is healthy, as far as we can see so far. God is gracious, no matter what. My pregnancy has been difficult (the first twelve weeks), but now is blessedly peaceful. I ordered a beautiful memory keeper box from Paper Coterie who also did my wedding album. It has our family's name on the front, and will hold all of her ultrasound photos, baby shower invitations, etc, until I begin her scrapbook.

the NCLEX and the center of the world: this much i know

i took my NCLEX on tuesday. i was more peaceful and calm going into it than i have EVER been taking any test, so i felt ready to conquer it. i had breakfast with my husband (btw, great harvest makes the most delicious european style hot chocolate!), and drove to the test center feeling really good about passing. i sat down to take the test, and got thru the first 75 questions no problem. i knew that if it shut off at 75, i had a 90 percent chance that i passed, so i was feeling great. i knew every question! so when it didn't stop at 75, i remained calm. i knew a friend had gotten 160-ish, so i was determined not to panic. I kept going thru the questions, which kept getting more and more difficult (a good sign on the nclex), certain it was going to stop any minute. at 100 questions, I was still going strong, taking my time, and for certain getting correct answers. Since the questions kept increasing in difficulty (i studied three hours a day for months, got great practice test grades, and was an excellent student, and I had not even heard of some of the things they were asking at this point), I began getting confused as to why it was not stopping.

at 150, I decided to stop watching the counter.

at 199, I began to panic. my horror increased with each question.

it was not stopping.

and by 205, I was full-on crying. My brain was so tired, and i knew the questions were not going to stop until i reached the full 265. I didn't know if they were getting harder or easier anymore, because they all seemed horribly confusing.

by 255, I barely made it to the end. barely made it out of the testing center to my car before i fell apart. i knew that when you get the full questions, they only look at the very end ones to decide your passing/failing, so all the ones I knew I did well on did not really count. i was getting tons of EKG strips and lung sounds on the last few, not my strongest points, and i was crying, so i knew it was not my finest moment. i had prayed right before i went in, "Lord whatever happens, please just don't make me get the long test!"

God said no.

I came home, cried for a really long time, watched three episodes of grey's anatomy, ate chocolate, and took a nap. I was devastated. but I have a husband and friends who don't let me wallow (I have great friends and the best husband in the whole world), and I got up. I kept moving, I went on a date with my sweet husband, and I moved forward with life. Life doesn't stop for disappointments. It keeps moving. Dishes still need to be done, groceries purchased, clothes put away, laundry done. and i realized that the nclex is not the center of the world. it seemed like it was for months. and to be sure, it was important. but its not the most important thing in the world. it's really not.

i have a friend whose sister had brain surgery this week, to remove a mass. she's 21 years old. the doctors were able to get the mass out, and she has only minor vision problems now.

family friends almost lost their 17 year old daughter on an O.R. table this month. she's alive today, and she looks more beautiful than ever.

another friend lost her infant daughter recently. she had to plan a funeral for a tiny person when she should have been planning a baby shower. they are grieving.

and one of our dearest friends was hit by a car this month. he is relearning how to do everything. his wife woke up on their 2 year anniversary knowing she may never have her husband back. he's learning to walk again.

Those are the important things.

this i know: i woke up this morning in the arms of my husband, under the roof of our cozy home, feeling our precious little one wiggling to tell me good morning. we are blessed beyond measure.

even when God says no. He is the center of my universe, and the nclex is a minor blip on the line of eternity. this i know is true. always.

baby update

our sweet E is growing like a weed, is now about the size of your outstretched hand from head to bum, and is very, very wiggly. this morning, i woke up to a baseball-sized wiggling lump on one side of my stomach. it loves to hear it's daddy's voice, and when drew talks nearby, it wiggles and dances. i'm finally feeling better, after a VERY rough first trimester, and finally back to having a tiny bit of energy.

it also loves music, and i've been playing the new switchfoot and "the story" album with

headphones on my stomach at work and it get awfully squirmy when music plays! i've chosen nichole nordeman's "sing over me" compilation album, "the story" compilation album, and switchfoot's quieter songs to add to my birth playlist so far. i need a lot of music, so i've started playing it for the baby already. research shows that playing the birth music in utero helps stimulate their brain and will also calm them when they are outside the womb. we begin our bradley method classes in august, and have been blessed to find a state-accredited teacher who teaches two families at a time. i really like the personal care she seems to be providing. i loosely follow the bradley/brewer meal plan (heavy on protein, but with my meat aversion, i have gotten creative with the protein, and exercise 45 mins a day). don't go thinking i'm all super-mom, because i totally just cheated and ate a candy bar ;-)

we are breastfeeding and cloth diapering (i never thought i'd be a "natural" mama, but studies and research have shown these both have wonderful benefits). i have found really great deals on AIO (all in one) cloth diapers, and my lovely sis has been helping me look for prefolds and covers. i think E will have plenty by the time they come along! here is one of the first set i ordered yesterday. i found a great sale on them, so i ordered the first six.

we don't know what our squirmy little worm is (boy or girl) yet, so we are holding off on nursery decorations until we a) move and b) know the gender. we are planning on moving in november, so i will be able to decorate the nursery then. we are purchasing the Graco Snugride infant seat in August, and this beautiful crib when we move:

the last thing i've picked is this diaper bag from Petunia Picklebottom, my splurge of a purchase at a steep price, but i really love it and the gender neutral design means it will last till baby number two for sure. (photo is above). i'm waiting on a coupon/sale before i purchase it here from the little boutique that sells them.

that's pretty much all for now. writing our birth plan to go over with our doc at our next appt, but otherwise baby just keeps growing and we are thankful :)

five year plan

i think if you had asked my husband or i our "five year plan" on our wedding day, it would have looked something like this: graduate from nursing school, land dream jobs, get out of student loan debt in a year, and try for a baby in 2012. it sure sounded nice on the day we said, "i do"!

and then on the exact day we marked five months of being married, two pink lines announced our little family was growing by one, faster than we thought.

I think that having a five year plan is really important for a marriage. as the pastor who did our premarital counseling said, " a marriage with no plan, no strategy to battle sin, no plan to handle finances and children, is a ship without a rudder." i think it's also important to remember Who is steering the ship!

a few nights ago, we discussed our new five year plan. still getting out of loan debt from my schooling. still wanting that dream job. but this time, as we talked, little e was wiggling away...e likes their daddy's voice and they wiggle when he talks close my my tummy! it's funny how the Lord can tip your plans upside down and you simply can't see what He is doing. but then, you realize He worked it all out ahead of you, and when you turn and look at the past that led you to today, you see a trail of faithfulness. The Lord provided jobs for us both, a cozy home, and enough income to well exceed our bills. He provided health insurance. He also took away the dream job i thought i wanted, in His mercy, because He knew i never would have been able to handle it while pregnant. it's astonishing, really, how the Lord orchestrates every little detail.

I don't know why i don't trust Him all the time.

i woke up yesterday to a cool breeze seeping in through our curtains, in the arms of my sleeping beloved husband, and feeling E welcoming the morning with a few happy wiggles. I am blessed beyond measure.

Hamlet, the worst baby name ever.

i married a funny guy. he makes me laugh at least fifteen times a day, at minimum. this comes in handy when you are pregnant, grumpy, always feeling like passing out, and throwing up your stomach contents at least once daily. in addition to being funny, he also does the dishes, cooks, cleans, and handles my random cravings like a pro. (i know, you wish you had a husband this great...too bad i married him first! ha!) last night, as we were discussing baby names before we went to bed, he says, "OH! did you know the Beckham's (David and Victoria, who we don't know, but pretend like we can call them by their first names), had a baby yesterday! They named her something really weird...it was... HAMLET! Hamlet Seven Beckham!"

At this revelation, i started laughing uncontrollably. Who in their right mind would name their kid "Hamlet"? i laughed so hard, the baby shifted from left to right, apparently indignant that i was squashing it with my laughter. we laughed awhile longer, until i was practically crying from the thought that it was such a horrible name for a baby, until husband decided he should look it up on the iPhone to make sure. well, we made a "no iphones in bed" rule (which is a really good rule if you're married), so if you want to use your phone, you have to actually get OUT of the bed. so he crawls out and stands up to use his phone and finds the actual news story while i continue cracking up about the fact that someone would name their baby Hamlet, when he suddenly goes, "Oh. i guess it wasn't hamlet. it was Harper."

This made me laugh even harder. Harper is a pretty normal name, and sounds nothing like Hamlet, so i asked him why he got them mixed up. He said, "Well i knew it started with H and it was six letters. So there."

Harper. Not Hamlet.

first world problems

my cell phone dropping bars and not getting to use the internet.

my four hundred dollar iPhone.

being frustrated by waiting in line at the eye dr and Wells Fargo.

to deposit a large paycheck and see my world-class surgeon for free thanks to health insurance.

going over our food budget and having to tighten up this month.

we had the ability to go over by two hundred dollars. and we didn't even notice.

frustrations about a tiny apartment, a water heater that is finicky, and an old fridge.

a cozy, air conditioned apartment, blazing hot water whenever we want, and a fridge overflowing with food that we had to throw out because it went bad.

these were the things i complained about this week.

i'm not proud of this list.

i passed a homeless man on the interstate today. he had a sign that said "hungry."

i went two hundred dollars over our food budget last month.

i'm humbled.

but not hungry.

and that is truly sobering.

i have clean water. i'm not being trafficked. i'm not sleeping on the streets of ethiopia waiting for life saving surgery. i don't go to bed hungry.

humbled.

Sweet Baby E!

Yes, it's true! Emmy or Ever will, Lord willing, be joining our little family in January.

We are overjoyed and thankful to the Lord for His gracious gift.

People have already been asking some of these questions, so I figured I'd just answer them all!

-"Why those names?"

These particular names don't have family significance, we just really loved them. Our odd last name is tricky and long, so we tried to consider that in our choice. Emmersyn Grace means "embracing the grace of God", and Everett Jude means "strong and faithful one". We love those meanings. We are calling the baby "E" for now. Yes, we are finding out the gender, sometime in August.

-"How many weeks are you? You're already showing!"

Yes, it is true. Petite girls tend to show pretty fast, and at 5'2", I was showing at week 6! Appropriate weight gain for someone of my size is 25-30 pounds. So far, at week 14, I have gained 6.5 pounds, so I am right on track, hoping my appetite will pick up soon. I was really, really ill through the first 12 weeks, throwing up at least once daily, so I am very thankful for the second trimester, since the nausea is already settling down (thank you LORD!)

-"What will you do about work?"

We are praying about what to do, but confident the Lord will provide necessary work. Drew has a great job with benefits, so the main purpose of me working is supplemental income for getting out of debt. We have student loans from nursing school, so most likely I will need work part time to knock those out after E arrives. I am hoping to be home as much as I can early on, and we are praying about what that will look like. We have never wanted to do daycare, so we will work it out without daycare.

-"What is the Bradley Method?"

We have chosen the Bradley Method for our birth plan. Of course, you can never tell what will happen with a birth, so we are open to however it happens. The Bradley Method is also known as "husband coached childbirth" and is a plan centered around diet, exercise, and "signposts" of labor. There is also a 12 week class you can participate in with an accredited teacher. Unlike some "all natural" plans, I liked this approach, because the focus is on training your body just like you would for a marathon with correct exercise and diet. I also appreciated that it doesn't make you feel like a total failure if something arises and you have to have a c-section. We have chosen to give birth in a hospital. We both feel the most comfortable with this, because of my past heart/asthma/eye complications, and because it makes me feel less anxious to know the hospital is equipped to handle an emergency for me as well as baby. I am fully aware that midwives can also offer this service, but as a nurse, it just is the best plan for me. People have all sorts of opinions about what is "right" and I have to say, it is different for every woman. I don't enjoy being told that the choice we have made is "wrong", because I know it could be right or wrong for each person! This is just the choice we prayed about and feel most comfortable with. I have done significant (and unending!) research about many methods and feel they all have something good to offer. This route is right for us and precious E. It may change as we get closer, but the research-based shorter labor evidence is enough for me! :)

Confessions of a (former) Shopaholic

When my dear husband and I married, I was the spender. He was the saver. So when he brought out the dreaded budget spreadsheet, I cringed on the inside. I wasn't in tremendous debt (save a hundred bucks on a credit card), but I definitely wasn't saving, or even strategically getting through a month without squeaking by at the end. I also didn't have a healthy relationship with finances, and I needed to. So I grudgingly accepted the budget (after making my husband turn it into a pink excel sheet :) and began to understand how money REALLY works. And the effects it carries with it. Now that we are newly married, thinking about a family in the future, and paying off my student loans, it means buckling down to really hammer out the details of our budget. I've learned a few things in the last six months, and I'm slowly (dare I say it), becoming a...saver. So how did I do it? How'd my husband change me from "Becky Bloomwood", shop-a-holic with a closet full of unworn clothes, to a girl who actually enjoys saving money? You can do it too.

1) Step one: collect all your receipts and save them for a month. This will show you where you are blowing through your money and where you may be spending less than you think. I was spending way too much on coffee, and spending less than I thought on gas.

2) Set realistic goals: The truth is, some things happen, and it's best to allow room. And you have to budget every single category. We have categories for coffee, movies, clothes, and household. The first month we tried this, we set our food budget at a modest 250.00. Needless to say, we absolutely obliterated about 450.00 the first month. So we compromised. Our food budget is about 300-350 monthly now, and if I really use coupons, I can usually knock it under 300. 450 was overly generous, 250 wasn’t realistic. Find a middle ground. A lot of people don’t agree with buying coffee out. They want you to get an espresso machine and save a ton of money by “making it yourself”. Here’s the deal: Husband and I work M-F, leaving around 8 or 9 and coming home at 5 or 6. And when I wake up or come home, I don’t want to make my own coffee. I love Starbucks. It’s not realistic to cut it out of our budget so we make a reasonable amount and stick to it. When it’s gone, it’s gone.

3) When you fail, try again. Some months, we have utterly failed at our food our household budget. We eat out too much, or things crowd our schedule, making it hard to cook and bring lunches to work. It happens. Work with it. Get back on track and work harder.

4) Wait for deals. Use coupons. We wanted to book a flight for an upcoming vacation, but flights were absurd. We held out and today, we got TWO round trip tickets for the price of ONE! I also watch for special sales that I can combine coupons with. If you read the fine print, and it doesn’t say you can’t combine, then you can grab some amazing deals. Here’s some of the deals I’ve used recently:

-KFC: Meal deal was 14.99, I found a 10 dollar off coupon online, printed it off, and got an 8 piece meal for 4.99.

-Victoria’s Secret: I had a gift card for 25.00, used 2 VS rewards cards for 10 each and got sweatpants, two tops, and a tanktop for 5.00.

-Kohls: Kohl’s CASH is awesome. I saved up a bunch and found some 50.00 wedges for half off, which made them 25.00. With 20.00 of cash the cost was 5.00!

-Found a 40 percent Nike coupon online. Used it at Lady Foot Locker and was able to combine it with some clearance Nike wear and snagged a 50 dollar ensemble for 10.00!

-Walgreens and Target: I use manufacturer’s coupons to get some great deals on sale items like men’s razors for husband, pasta, tampons, lightbulbs, and toothpaste. I used an 8.00 off coupon for a men’s razor that was 9.99. It went on sale for 8.00 and it was FREE.

5) Change your standards: Learn that you can live somewhere that maybe isn't your "dream house", because it's financially responsible. We live in a teensy-weensy apartment that is dirt-cheap in costs. We save a TON, money thats being funneled to student loans, savings, and vacation. I love our home. I've made it really cute, cozy, and a place we love to come home to. Is it our "dream house"? No. It's clean, safe, and it's where we are at for now. We are moving to a larger place in November, but for now, its perfect. You may envision your mansion, or it may be a pride issue, but when you get down to it, a "dream house" when you're just starting out means you are racking up debt or spending more than you're saving. Let go of the dream, make your home a happy and healthy place to be, and enjoy the savings and the financial freedom. Also, don't play the martyr. If you are around your friends and family and all you can talk about is how "poor" you are, or how you can't go here or there because of finances, your likeability will plummet as fast as your bank balance. Make a budget, and learn to live happily within your means without depressing everyone around you.

6) Give generously: The best part of having a budget and sticking to it is that you can give generously, without being stressed and without getting yourself in trouble/debt. I’m able to take a short trip next week and pay for gas/gifts for my friend who is getting married. Make giving to other a priority and you will find yourself in better financial shape than ever.

Don't Miss This Moment

I sincerely thought my niece just turned 7.

I have been telling everyone glowing stories about my amazing "seven year old" niece. Turns out...she turned eight in March. How did that even happen? She is learning violin now. And reading. And she got her ears pierced and she is gorgeous just like her mama. I look at her and can't believe she is already so grown-up. She lives about 5 hours away, so I don't get to see her as often as I'd like, but I love spending time with her. Today, we are going on a "date". She wants to go to the mall and use a coupon for Claire's (which is every newly-ear-pierced 8 year old's dream), and I took a half day at work to spend the day with her. I look at her and my precious nephew Benjamin, who is battling a severe form of epilepsy every day, and my 2 year old chubby-cheeked nephew Beckham and I just want to freeze time. Beckham went around giving us all goodnight kisses the other night, and I wanted to just stop time. I don't want to miss these moments. Beck got around to everyone except his new Uncle Drew and looked at his mama and said "And Dwew?" and then went around to give him a goodnight kiss too. I melted. These are precious moments.

"bloom where you're planted"

all of our nursing graduating class has pretty much hit the panic button. when the hospitals announced they were taking very few of us new grads, i think everyone panicked. we figured jobs would be a shoe-in...the easy part. we were wrong. i think we're all scared that we just went to school for nothing, racked up tons of debt, and now will be fighting to get out of it for the next ten years. it scares me too. i am going to be about 30k in student loans (an amount, which amazingly, is pennies compared to some of my classmates, who are in 75-150k!), which is not awful for a program that costs approximately 20k a year. it's not a fun feeling. my husband is very calm and has formulated a brilliant plan that involves us getting OUT of debt in about three years. (i might add, my plan was really good too. except it involved new dresses and going to the carribean, so he won. but it still sounded pretty fun.) i've had to step back and stop worrying. it's not as if God was watching and suddenly went, "OHHH dear, i had no clue THAT was going to happen!" He knows. i'll get a job. it's just a phase. a weird, uncomfortable phase, but one that is teaching me more and more trust.

this whole year has been a phase. adjusting to marriage, finishing school, plenty of crazy life changes that have pushed me and grown me. i'm really thankful. i look back over my "single" college years, when i was free to go out and spend my money on eating out and margaritas with the girls, and staying up too late. it was a phase too. and yesterday when i was out with the girls (sans margaritas!), around 5pm, i just wanted to go home. i miss my husband when i'm not with him. this is a new phase, and i wouldn't trade my "single life" for a moment of it. this is a new phase, a beautiful, crazy, wonderful phase of life. It involves laundry and grocery shopping and budgets and date nights. I've heard girls say they didn't know how to adjust to marriage because they missed their free time. They lost their "identity". I say, either they didn't have a very good start to begin with, or they had a husband who didn't really care. It's sad when women don't know how to thrive in marriage, and sad when husbands don't know how to help them grow within in. it's not stifling. it's freeing. I've been really blessed with a husband who inspires me to do well in my company, my schoolwork, my hobbies. I've traded glamour magazines and margaritas in for dishes and 9pm bedtime and 5 day workweeks. and God is so good. Marriage is great. Life is peaceful and messy. God is still good, still sovereign over all of it!

Lady Gaga and All Her Little Monsters

Let it be known that I don't condone Lady Gaga. I've danced to her music and I listen to her first album while at the gym, but I definitely don't think her recent inappropriate outfits and very sexualized music are appropriate for anyone to listen to. I would never let my children listen to any song other than "Just Dance", and I change the channel when her barely-there outfits are plastered all over our television set.

But I watched a recent interview with her on Good Morning America, and I was sort of blown away. Not by her music, because it's highly sexual overtones were definitely over the line for family viewing, but by her interview. I think it was her eyes. I have never seen such sad eyes on someone. For being someone who supports people's opinions that they were "born this way", she sure doesn't seem very happy in her own skin. Recent allegations of a facial restructuring also make me think she is really not that happy with the girl under all the crazy outfits. She is a very pretty lady, from what I could see at the beginning of her career, and it's a little sad that she is trying to push the boundaries so much. The second thing that hit me was the crowd. GMA said it was the "largest crowd" their summer concert series (which has seen the likes of Brad Paisley and Keith Urban) they have ever seen. In history. And a crowd it was...stretching all the way to Times Square allegedly, and sweeping all the way through the streets. And I watched the cameras pan all through the crowd, full of teens and adults and even children dressed in gay pride tee shirts and pro-homosexual gear...people cheering and clinging to what she was offering them. They looked at her like she was a god. Broken, hurting people reaching out for something. Anything.

And I felt suddenly, sickeningly, guilty.

Millions of hurting people are clinging to Lady Gaga because she is filling a void. She, as twisted and volatile as her theology may be, has connected with these hurting teens and adults and people who don't fit in anywhere. People I don't hang out with. People who rarely even cross my mind.

Jesus would have hung out with these people.

He would have offered them, not a flimsy, sexual replacement for Hope, but the real thing.

I don't believe in Lady Gaga, but the fact is, millions of people believe in her message of hope, because the church, myself included, haven't offered them the actual thing. It's convicting and painful and true.

I hope Lady Gaga finds a truth she can truly cling to, one that will fill the void in her eyes and the bigger one in her heart. I truly hope she can find the person she wants to be and make a difference in the lives of the people who follow her. But moreover, I hope I can be part of the change that fills that void in the lives of people around me...with Jesus. WIth real Hope, a true future. Starting with our neighbor. Bob (not his real name), a broken and sad man who lives across the street from us...who is looking for something he hasn't found yet at a church where he says "east meets west in the teaching of Buddha and Jesus", but is genuinely being cared for by the people at that church. I haven't stepped up to care for him. I need to. I need to bring him dinner and my husband and I need to continue to show kindness to him for no reason.

So Lady Gaga, this post is for you. You may not understand what you're looking for, but I hope you find Him soon.

THIS girl...

...is officially done with nursing school!

Those words felt like they would never come from my mouth. The past five years have stretched me and grown me, often in very difficult and painful ways, and I cannot wait to move on with my life! I'm thankful for nursing school, because I grew up while I was in the program. I became a more compassionate, mature, professional person. I became a nurse. I'm grateful for my parents who never stopped believing I could make it, and my family and my husband who never let me quit. And to my teachers who found a nurse somewhere inside that terrified 19-year-old who started the program in 2007. Mostly to the Lord who got me through sleepless nights, patients dying, crying myself to sleep, endless exams, and Who is responsible for all my success.

1 Kings 8:56
Praise be to the LORD, who has given rest to his people Israel just as he promised! Not one word has failed of all the good promises he gave through his servant Moses.