she plays the flute.

i walked into this term feeling pretty confident. after all, i have been a child advocate for two years, had numerous years of nanny experience, and a minor in psychology. i figured it would be a breeze to do mental health assessments with adolescents and children this term.

i was wrong.

my first day, dressed in sharp professional dress and heels, i was working in the nurse's office, doing informal counseling and nursing care for the children who were in and out through the day. my very first patient was a young lady with long, brown hair. she was at the awkward stage; not quite used to the growth and acne that middle school brings on. she came into the office in tears, having just slammed her fist into a wall in anger. as i iced and medicated her, the story came tumbling out, in gulping sobs and tears. she was depressed, lonely, and had just been "dumped" by a fellow 6th grader. but it was when i lifted her sleeve to bandage her wounds that i truly saw just how lonely she was. her wrists were covered in raised scars, bearing testament to a life no one quite understood. her mom was a single mom, working three jobs, and she simply had nowhere to go. violence was normal in the family, and she had trouble making friends. "i eat lunch in the bathroom", she confided softly, "that way no one notices i sit alone." my heart broke as her story just kept spilling out, bits and pieces emerging as i sat with her. when she left, i realized i had been wrong. this would be no easy job, no task where i would be rewarded with smiling, perfect kids who would throw their arms around me and go home to perfect families.

they are broken hearts with broken families.

kids who bear the labels of "stupid" and "retarded".

girls who think they are ugly because thats all they have been told.

boys who dont know how to treat women because they watched their dad break their mom's ribs.

children so hungry for attention, they cling to anyone who gives it to them.

the young lady i am writing a paper about is a tiny, pixie-like brunette. she has a smattering of freckles that dance across her little face, with eyes that tell a painful story beyond her age. she is doing school work of a second grader. we struggle through math and reading, and i work with her on telling time with a big plastic clock.

she is in seventh grade.

and yes, i read her chart. i read about her past abuse. i read her psychiatric evaluations, of her falling more and more behind each year in school. i saw her test scores and her rankings.

i saw her history of oppositional disorder, of emotional disturbance...

but then i watch as she is ignored in the halls, as she struggles to read music in band class, and i walk with her back to the classroom as whispers of her grade-mates follow us. what they dont see is what i see. she is funny, desperately funny. she draws, she plays the flute. she has a quick smile, and a ready laugh. under the diagnosis, she is a little girl.

broken hearts, broken people.

Jesus lets me be His hands and His feet these clinical days.

what a privilege.

"When the art of medicine is loved, so also is humanity"-Hippocrates

Driscoll on Marriage

Three general categories that describe many marriages:

1) Non-Christian Feminism No distinction between the roles of husband and wife. They live parallel lives, legally married but functionally single.

2) Christian Egalitarianism No distinction between the roles of husband and wife. They also live parallel lives, but often share some unifying, ephemeral elements (e.g. kids, hobbies, church).

3) Christian Complementarianism Husband and wife fulfill distinct and equal roles. They live as one together under God’s authority with unified purpose.

Wives are to follow their husband’s leadership

Husbands are commanded to love their wives as Jesus loves the Church (Eph. 5:25); Jesus died for the Church. Jesus’ example guards against chauvinism and other abuses of the principle of submission.

Ways a husband can handle disagreements with his wife:

1. Pray and discuss with your wife. Be patient. Wait for her to come around.
2. Appeal to a higher authority (pastor/counselor).
3. If the matter is pressing and/or a decision cannot be reached, the husband must decide. His wife should submit to the decision.

Wives are to preach wordless sermons

Those who have unbelieving husbands should not nag or be preachy, but rather love, serve, and respect their husbands, praying that God would use these actions to soften the husband’s heart.

Wives are to cultivate true beauty

There is nothing wrong with outward beauty, but it is “fleeting and deceptive” (Prov. 31:30). Holiness is true beauty. Godly wives have a quiet and gentle spirit; they are not silent, but prudent (knowing when and where to speak).

Wives should seek to know exemplary women

Peter gives Sarah as an example, and the Bible is clear that she is flawed. She is exemplary for her honesty and repentance, not because she is perfect; she ultimately did submit to God and to her husband.

Wives should fight fear

Fear (what if it doesn’t work out? what if I’m unhappy? what if my husband makes a bad decision?) makes life miserable and should be fought against by faith.

Submission Does Not Mean:

1. A husband is in ultimate authority.
2. A wife does not have independent thoughts.
3. A wife does not seek to influence her husband.
4. A wife must obey her husband’s command to sin.
5. A wife is less intelligent or competent than her husband.

Submission Does Mean:

1. A husband and wife are equal with complementary roles.
2. Wives are to submit like Jesus did in Gethsemane (Luke 22:42).
3. Husbands are to lovingly lead like Jesus does the Church (Eph. 5:25).
4. A single woman should only marry a man she can follow.
5. Christian marriage shows the Trinity and the gospel.

Hear No Evil Blog Tour

I was thirteen when my first copy of CCM Magazine came in the mail, crisp and shiny, reeking of the pungent ink-and-paper smell. I read it cover to cover, soaking in the articles, and running my fingers over the glossy press shots of Avalon, Plus One, and Point of Grace. I was sure I was their biggest, most devoted fan. I announced to my mom that I was going to write for CCM someday. Matthew Paul Turner was the reason I wanted to write for CCM. (He doesn’t believe me, but I always read his column first, during his stint as editor at the magazine). I was a star-struck thirteen year old, with big dreams, and the surety that I was going to change the industry singlehandedly…sure that my “making it” into the pages of CCM was the holy grail of my career. (I was wrong; more on that later…) Today, Matthew has become a friend; the one not afraid to tell me when an article is terrible, the one I can count on to humble my flighty ego.

When Matthew told me he was going to write a book about the music industry, I thought, “Here we go!” I knew it was a book he needed to write. See, the Christian music industry is a funny thing; it’s a volatile mix of injustice and community. It’s these kinds of things you will find hidden in the pages of “Hear No Evil”. It’s typical Turner humor, with biting wit alongside moments that will move you to tears. You will meet people in this book, much like his last work, “Churched”. It’s really about finding the stories. You’ll meet Tina, a young woman trying to “make it” as a singer, and you will weep as you watch her story unfold. You’ll laugh through the anecdotes that Turner shares about growing up in a Baptist church where worldly music was like dancing…not even an option. You’ll meet James, whose jaded view of the industry causes him to walk away. I found one more story in the middle of this incredible book. I found me. See, I got my dream job. I held the holy grail. For two years, it was my name in print at CCM. My byline alongside those glossy press shots and album reviews. It feels good at the top. It feels great to be respected and part of the “industry”. There is wonderful community to be found in the CCM circles. But it’s not all there is. When CCM made budget cuts, I watched my “dream career” slip away. I think I grieved a little. But there were parts of it I don’t miss. I don’t miss the industry of it, to be honest. I still work as a publicist, working to give some independent artists the guidance and expertise they need to navigate the waters and still come out unscathed, with integrity. But I don’t miss the censorship, the extra time certain artists get in the spotlight, the airbrushing. I work for a website committed to social justice now. I spent my last weekend writing articles about Haiti. It was freeing.

Turner’s humor mingles with brutal honesty and its refreshing. I read the entirety of “Hear No Evil”, front to back, in the middle of the airport on a layover...in two hours. i couldn't put it down. I think my legs were numb from sitting so long, but I couldn’t put it down. I sent Matthew an email, after nearly crying through his book, and said thank you.

Read this book. It will change anyone involved with Christian music. From the twenty something packing for Nashville to the publicist in New York City…it will open your eyes and your heart.

So thank you, friend.

Bravo.

visit http://www.jesusneedsnewpr.blogspot.com to find out how to purchase the book.

where we've been and where we're going...

my friend informed me today that drew and my initials are, in fact, the dolce and gabbana logo. i googled it and voila. she was right.

in good news, we have a wedding date! pretty exciting, since we have been engaged since july 8th, but we found a date! we will become mr and mrs on july 17th, 2010! 7.17.10 sounds pretty good to us! 168 days to go...and we are starting to see we have a lot to get done before then :) my friend matt reminded me yesterday to just breathe, and so far that advice has been helpful with the stress of school, work, writing nearly full time, and drew still being in montgomery.

nursing school is going quite well! i was placed at ashland middle school with the wonderful kids there, doing some therapy and being a school nurse there as my internship. i love it so far. they are amazing, wonderful kids with broken homes but big hearts. i'm managing (by a large miracle, i am sure) to have pulled straight A's so far. our first large exam is on tuesday, but i have been acing every paper, lab, sim, and assignment. i'm pretty happy about it, since im working almost 40 hours a week between my two jobs. my job at sou keeps me nice and busy, with about 26-30 hours a week; writing press releases, blogging professionally, and attending various events with my boss. it's a relatively low stress job, and my boss is the best, so its quite flexible with my schedule. i can even work from home some days. i'm working doing some writing off and on, mostly for halogen, a wonderful site that i have quickly fallen in love with. its a site dedicated to social justice issues, and i was honored to write several pieces on haiti after the earthquake, and it was incredible to see a Community arise amidst the horror that is still going on. sorting through the pictures and the research was heartbreaking. alot of the money i made from my writing went to relief efforts. halogen has allowed me to spread my wings creatively, and im grateful. my first published works as far as a book will be published in 2011! i was selected to be part of a team contributing to an anthology called "Great Lives in African American History". i have never written for a book before, so i am quite thrilled. deadline is march 2010, and i will be published the following year...with my married name! i am not sure which part i was more excited about...the book or the married pen name part...

we had another health scare this past week, with my left eye. it swelled up on monday, and by monday night, i was in excruciating pain. i missed all my classes this week, but my teachers have been gracious to help me make up the missed time. by tuesday, i was on vicodin and getting scary ctscans and specialist visits. i was rushed around to three different practitioners. currently, they still have no answers, and i'm waiting for referral to a neurologist. i am functioning in a haze of painkillers, which is frustrating for me, since i hate to be on any kind of medication. it seems like we have been given the run-around with doctors, and its certainly been a test of my attitude and patience. i was convicted this morning by this proverb:

Proverbs 21:23 He who guards his mouth and his tongue keeps himself from calamity.

let's hope i can remember that. today, the eye dr called to inform me that i had "missed yesterday's appointment at 3:15". i calmly reminded them that i had called to make the said appointment at 4:00 yesterday, so i could not have preemptively missed an appointment. thankfully i kept my cool :p

as we wait for answers to a scary eye issue (my left eye is already much worse than my right. they can no longer bring me to 20/20 in it anymore), we are reminded of God's merciful kindness through all of it.

"I sought the Lord, and he answered me, and delivered me from all my fears!" ps.34.4

proverbs.

i have been doing crosspoint church's 30 days of proverbs. i have realized i love the proverbs! they are so practical. i loved yesterdays:

A generous man will himself be blessed,
for he shares his food with the poor. -Prov. 22:5

my roommate and i were thinking about this yesterday, when two little girls came to the door raising money for Haiti through their school program. we realized how faithful the Lord is to us, and how little we have to complain about. i was thinking about it in reference to yesterday's blog, too....how i have been trying to be better with my budget, and it dawned on me WHY. this month, i was able to give above ten percent of my income to haiti, through world vision and samaritan's purse. i realized thepurpose of saving and spending wisely, is that i have the ability to give freely. what a revelation that was. and how freeing to see how being a wise steward lets me a be a generous giver. and what a Faithful God, who is patient when i am so dense to learn this simple truths!

Exodus 34:6

And he passed in front of Moses, proclaiming, "The LORD, the LORD, the compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness.

saving and spending...how i cut back

my sweet fiance is great with money. my parents are great with money, my siblings are great with money, whereas i, well...am not. i always think i'm doing well at the beginning of the month, when my beautiful paycheck comes in and my bank balances are well above the red.

but before i know it, the starbucks runs, the once a month tanning, the rebuying of broken items, the expensive makeup, the shoes i dont need...it all adds up to a dismal balance by the end of the month. getting paid once monthly also means i have to strictly budget to make it to the end!

i realized recently that all my money was disappearing to small, multiple purchases.

for example, drew bought himself a nice car charger for his iPhone a while back. he has used it for several months and keeps it safely in his car. i think it cost him 20 or so dollars.

i, on the other hand, have been through: THREE CAR CHARGERS, THREE CAR KITS, AND FIVE PAIRS OF HEADPHONES. while they were much cheaper, they also broke, or i broke them (i ran a few over, believe it or not. with the car.) i added up my debit amounts and realized i have paid a whopping 100.00 on iPhone equipment in just under five months.

just one more way small purchases can add up fast! i realized i had to cut back quick. and i did!

heres a look at how i have cut back:

-coffee. starbucks sure LOOKS yummy, and that 3.40 doesnt sound like much, but one month i spent seventy dollars on coffee! now i have a twelve ounce mocha on bargain days, or an 8 oz starbucks twice a week. the other days i drink brewed coffee with 0.99 cent chocolate creamer.

tea is 1.80 if i must have starbucks, and its equally warm and sweet. average savings a month: 50.00

-eating out. i eat out once a week now. and nothing fancy. i pack a lunch 4/5 days of the week, only eating out for days with a full length lab at school. if i ate out every day, i would cost me an average of 30.00 a week! thats 120.00 a month, and my TOTAL FOOD BILL for this month (i share with my roomates) was just 42.00 this month! i saved 78.00. we also like to go to yogurt hut, a pay by the ounce ice cream shop. we went so many times, that i realized i dropped twelve dollars in a few weeks! no more yogurt hut.

-gas. i plan trips with my roomates and limit trips to medford to twice weekly. i only have to fill up twice a month! thats 80/month versus 240.00/month i was paying! thats a savings of...160.00.

-groceries. no more running to the store to purchase random items. i realized i was spending about 30 a month on random purchases like magazines, shampoo, and snacks. now we all purchase bulk items at costco and make portions ourselves. it saves about 25.00 a month.

-shampoo and makeup: value sizes at walmart and buying mac makeup once every three months rather than every two saves me about 30.00 every three months. i also went through all my makeup and tossed outdated and expired makeup as it can cause eye infections. i buy all my shampoo at wal mart and somehow have six containers. dont ask me why i thought i needed six different kinds. now i should have enough for three months.

-investing in better items and taking care of them. i bought one nice charger, and drew bought me a new car kit. i roll them up and tuck them in my car cup-holder every time i use them, and so far they are clean and unbroken! i carry all my electronics (camera, macbook, iPhone, large camera) in cases with shields and protectors.

-online shopping: i went through my closet and found about three boxes of brand name clothes that i do not wear, and will not wear! i took them all to a consignment store where i will get cash every month for what sells. i sell things on craigslist if they are nicer, and it gives me extra spending money if i must buy a piece of clothing. i divided my closet by season and color and realized i had three black cardigans. i only need one. i also have about 67 dresses, all of which i assured drew i would "save if there was a fire", but i know deep down i only need about 10 of them. so no more online shopping for me! i limit myself to just scrubs and clinical clothes, since i cant wear fun clothes 4/7 days of the week anyways.

-coupons: yes, i clip coupons. it saves me money on mascara, snacks, and necessities. i also use swagbucks.com, a tip from my friend jessica turner. it gives you points for searching (like google) and you can trade them in for giftcards. its awesome!

-greeting cards: this hidden money-eater was costing me more than i thought. i LOVE cards and send drew many, many cards. little did i realize i was spending about 15 dollars a month in cards for birthdays and other occasions. now i buy them at the dollar store, where they are 2 for a dollar and i can stock up. it saves about 10.00 a month.

see how much i saved?

do i know the poor?

(photo via Mark Driscoll, www.twitter.com/pastormark)

tonight, a little girl will sleep on the streets of india as an outcast.

tonight, a little boy will fall asleep an orphan in haiti.

tonight, a child in uganda will die of hunger.

"I asked participants who claimed to be "strong followers of Jesus" whether Jesus spent time with the poor. Nearly 80 percent said yes. Later in the survey, I sneaked in another question, I asked this same group of strong followers whether they spent time with the poor, and less than 2 percent said they did. I learned a powerful lesson:

We can admire and worship Jesus without doing what he did.

We can applaud what he preached and stood for without caring about the same things.

We can adore his cross without taking up ours.

I had come to see that the great tragedy of the church is not that rich Christians do not care about the poor but that rich Christians do not know the poor." -shane claiborne

i can't honestly think of one single person in poverty in my life.

bresma.

as i write this, two american young women struggle to survive in Haiti. the beautiful woman in the photo above is one of them. Jamie and Ali. After the collapse of an orphanage, they now are responsible for 150 babies and small children. with

no food.

no water.

no supplies.

they are living in the front yard of the orphanage. american planes have offered to come retrieve the women, but they refuse to leave these children. the american government is furiously working to waive citizenship and visa laws for these children so all 152 of them can get on a plane and leave the rubble. problem is...the government can only work so fast.

thing is....these children are adoptees.

they have families waiting for them to come home. they have already been placed in forever-homes.

and even if they can get paperwork...time is running out. with no supplies, the children will die.

they need a miracle. would you pray with me?

learn more at www.thatschurch.com

adjusting.

i put my Love onto a plane on tuesday night, after a tear filled dinner date (on my part, not his, since he holds it together much better than me when one of us leave, i bawl through dinner, its like "*sob* yes ill have the steak *gulp* and a soda *sob*. im sure our waitress thinks he was breaking up with me.). its back to adjustments again. adjusting to grocery shopping alone, and lunch breaks alone, and tuesday night video chats instead of date night. its really hard adjusting when we are back apart on other sides of the country. i forget the little things its nice to have him here. i like having someone to go to the movies with, and to fill my car up and to help me balance my budget. i love holding his hand, and going to dinner, and getting dressed up just because we get to go out together. its hard becoming independent all over again, because i like depending on him. he's dependable. responsible. hard working, patient, and oh-so-sweet.

truth is, i love him. and i miss my best friend.

made me think about how dependent i am on the Lord. i forgot the Lord is here to do the things that Drew can't do when he isn't here. I forget the Lord is my provider and my protector. Drew fights for me and loves me and sacrifices for me...the Lord did all those things first, before He gave me my almost-husband. i forget sometimes. Drew remembers. He entrusts me to Jesus whenever he leaves, knowing fullwell that the Lord will carry me when he can't be here to hold my hand. but sometimes, i forget.

i'm still adjusting.

december.

sorry this is going to be a long and detailed post about our month, which was a whirlwind! i doubt anyone is reading, but i like to write it all down so i dont forget!

drew got a job with newsong this year, working on their christmas tour. he left november 29th from bama for 19 days of touring. we had already booked my flight, so i still flew out there, even though i wouldnt get to see him for much of the trip. thankfully the dates he had in Bama were the days i was there, so i got to be out with the tour for about three days. the picture above is us at the show in athens, alabama. we also were in dothan and montgomery, then drew left for two days while i relaxed in montgomery and auburn with my good friend whitney (note the newly designed auburn colors blog.)here's drew with his buddy jeff jones, drummer for big daddy weave. one of the many kind and sweet guys on this tour who were a wonderful community away from home for my guy. what a blessing it was to meet and be with these talented and humble artists.this is rico, guitarist for newsong, and another sweet, sweet guy. i got to hear the 'christmas shoes" song for three nights straight. and then i made drew watch the movie when we got home :) good thing he is so patient :)here is drew playing drums with newsong.
matt butler and eddie singing "o holy night" in montgomeryhere we are with aunt frances, and cousins elizabeth and madeline at the cracker barrel to celebrate christmas! so sweet of her to bless us with sweet presents (and SNUGGIE) and time together.with drew's brother bryant and his girlfriend parker at drew's moms for christmas, which we spent with drew's brother, myrons parents, and drew's sister and sister in law...lots of family and lots of kiddos! (his brother has six!)
some of the neatest girls you'll ever meet! malerie, amelia, chelle (and baby willis!), emily, and i. aka the foolettes (i am an honorary foolette, since drew isnt actually in the band lol) love our ugly, i mean beautiful sweaters! i miss these precious and amazing girls and am thankful for the encouragement they have been to me as i learn to live life with a guy who tours.our rush of fools family: chelle and wesley and baby, jan and emily, mal and kevin, me and drew, amelia and jake, and jack. what amazing friends these guys are. love them all to pieces.with my mom and dad at the top of roxy ann on christmas day! we are thankful and blessed to have so much wonderful family! and even though december has been a whirlwind, we are grateful. now we are relaxing in oregon for awhile, and i cant tell you how great it is to have my sweetie with me for awhile! we are working on my financial aid situation with nursing school and trying to financially make it work. (its 20k a year for my schooling). i am grateful he is here to help with the finances, since i am not good with numbers. plus its' nice to have a date night and quality time together!

i am keeping busy working, and prepping for the switchfoot tour in a few weeks. writing quite a bit and thankful for new opportunities that come up for me to write (and get paid!). it helps pay the bills, and for that we are thankful. (iphone bills are unkind!)

sad i didn't get to see my middle sister this christmas, but hopefully i can fly there soon to see mr jack henry! we are praying for my oldest sister, whose middle son has epilepsy and is undergoing surgery for a hernia today. he is a sweet and fun guy and we hope this surgery will help alleviate some of his pain.

most of all, we are thankful for this year, for all God has brought us through, and eager to watch Him work in our hearts this year, for His glory. He is good, all the time ,and we have been carried through my health problems, drew's heart problem, schooling ,finances, touring, and more. We are thankful. and so blessed by His provision and protection.

Merry Christmas!

merry christmas

love, grace and drew

sabbath.

drew and i were listening to matt chandler earlier today. i have surely missed holding hands with my sweet almost-husband and driving. we have been driving ALOT because of drew's tour dates and in order to enable me to see him as much as possible, we have driven back and forth hundreds of miles. today, we drove to birmingham and listened to some of matt's earlier podcasts. todays was on sabbath. about obeying the command to observe the sabbath. matt mentioned how, when he was little, he remembers the sabbath being code for "no fun". instead, matt talked about how the sabbath is to be restful and joyful. he also mentioned that we, as a generation of laptops, iphones, and twitter, should unplug at least one day a week. chandler, a pastor of a large church, husband, and daddy of three little ones, says he checks his email just three times a week. and "no one has died! nothing disintegrated!".

i have an iphone, and am thankful for the way it has enabled me to do more, faster. but sometimes, doing more, faster, is not always better. sure, i can access every social media in a second, and i can email word documents and type papers into powerpoint. all from my phone.

chandler mentioned how it eventually reaches a point where you aren't where you are.

you can be present, but you aren't THERE. drew and i have a tuesday night date night. we havent gotten to really enjoy that commitment for four months, and tonight, our "date" means he is working and i am sitting in the audience being proud of my almost-husband. and that's okay.

we don't know which day our sabbath will be. we will hopefully get to talk about it when drew comes home after this last leg of tour. for now, i will just enjoy spending time with him, and tagging along while he works. we have been so immensely blessed by the newsong tour, full of kind people and sweet friends, some new and some old. but one day this week, i will stop being my super-ridiculously-efficient self. sunday, we will go to church, i will unplug. both of us will shut the email, switch phones to silent, and refuse to take any calls. and we will go to dinner and hold hands and take a walk. and just be.

because, like chandler said...rest on the sabbath is a shadow of something else...the cross.

resting reminds us that we are saved not by working, but by grace and with joy.

besides, i like holding drew's hand.

rejoicing.

i havent blogged in awhile, but i figured i would at least post something about all the things we are thankful for this year!

we are most recently thankful for my (our) sweet nephew Jack Henry Watkins (note* NEPHEW. NOT OURS. I realized the post made it look like we had a baby, and we certainly DID NOT!) ! born november 29th, 2009, he is a precious and handsome little one and my sister and her husband are overjoyed with his safe and healthy birth. he is in san antonio, so i havent met him yet, but i cant wait! he is a cutie (obviously!). my other precious nephew, beck, turned one in november, beth turned 6, ben is 4, tim was 5 in november, and ally-bug is 3! all such fun, sweet kids!

my grandma is also moving up to oregon today, from cali, after the passing of my grandpa a few months ago. i have never had grandparents in the same city as me, so it will be fun to have her around!

we are sooo thankful for the precious news from dear friends wes and chelle, on the announcement of baby willis in july! we couldnt be more excited for our friends to become wonderful, Godly parents, and we cant wait to meet him/her. baby willis, your mommy and daddy love you very very much!

we are thankful for drew's current job, he is out on tour with the newsong and big daddy weave guys, and its a wonderful tour. i am, as always, thankful to the Lord for keeping him safe while he travels. especially with several artists having bus accidents, i am grateful every day when i get a call in the morning to let me know he has made it safely. i have a friend who started a community group for women who are engaged/married to guys who are in christian music and who tour, and it's been a sweet encouragement for me to hear verses/prayers from these girls.

i am thankful for my wrap up of school with 2 A's and one C! it was a rough term with health issues, financial aid problems, the flu, and working 30 plus hours a week. i didn't see drew any of that time, so it's been almost four months since we have been together.

i fly out on saturday to alabama! excited to see our fools family, drew's family, and spend time catching up with friends and relaxing. i have not relaxed since i left bama, so i am ready to do some reading and writing of articles, shopping, and spend time with drew! we have a crazy schedule planned, full of day trips and though he will be gone for three of the days i am there, i get to spend time in Nashville with my dear friend tiff. sounds like a great time, and i get to see the newsong tour dates twice, including my all-time favorite christmas song, The Christmas shoes :)

love you all! pictures to come soon, after the holidays probably, but i had to get that one of precious Jack up here!

a cab to drive him home.

my clinical rotations have been progressively harder. we are actual nurses now, taking on 2-3 patients independently. though i still feel somewhat incompetent as The Nurse, i have fallen into a certain level of comfort on the unit. i have been giving report to physicians, helping make life changing decisions that i hardly feel qualified to be helping make. we interpret sheets of lab values, and pore over medications. one wrong move and patients can die. you have to be aware 24/7 while you are working, never knowing that an error has already occurred and you have to catch it. my patient crashed yesterday, with a heart rate soaring to over 190 from a normal 70. i had to run down the hall and grab the physician. i stood with him as he walked me through the prognosis, the ekg, the crucial heart drugs. but then he walked away and i was left alone. no amount of book-knowledge gives you the assurance in that moment. there is nothing i learned in class that prepared me for announcing imminent death to a patients family who is holding onto hope with everything they had.

i had three patients yesterday, the first a patient who had renal disease and was going to hospice in a few weeks, to spend the last moments of their life. the second a young stroke victim who had a 2% chance of recovery and only a few months to live as her family had chosen to not rescucitate. the physician, a kind and smart man, was very busy, and had to run to his other patients. that left me as the bearer of devastating news. i was the one who had to walk back into that room and sit with the children of the stroke victim and tell them they need to consider hospice care for her. i was the one who watched them dissolved into tears and still gather vital information to make the patient comfortable. i was the one who had to share in that moment of their world crashing down around them.

i had to go into the next patients room and deal with the spouse of another dying patient who refused to believe she was dying. he tried to comfort her with "therapy" of his own and odd chants that i am fairly certain he was making up as he went, and he told me God was going to smite me for using my "worldly knowledge" to be a nurse. underneath that tough exterior, though, was a man who held the hand of his wife and wasnt ready to face her death.

my last room was the hardest. i went in to discontinue an iv on a patient who was going home. normally, this is a happy visit, and i had only seen his chart, so i was entering the room thrilled to be discharging him. i walked in to find a tiny old man, just skin and bones physically, with a few wisps of hair, and a tremor that made simple movement hard. i reread the chart and realized he wasnt going home because he was getting better...but because there was nothing we could do anymore. i felt my heart sink and i realized i would be the last nurse who cared for him in this hospital, maybe ever. i went over the medications i was giving him, and gave him some pain meds. i cleaned up his room as he gathered his things, his weathered hands shaking.

i realized it was veterans day, and i asked if he had been a veteran. he said "i was in the service for six years, served overseas in world war II. i saw it all...killing, death, hope." i commented about it being a very ugly war, and he said softly, "miss...they all are." i went to take out his iv then, and there, along his tiny forearm, under the tape and cords and tubes, was a faded service insignia. now long since faded to a dull grey, i could still make it out and he proudly showed me it. underneath, in looping cursive, were the names of his buddies who had died in the war. four of them, unreadable, but still there. and i stopped wiping his tubes and cleaning his arm to look into his eyes and he told me about each of them, how they all had left their "pretty girls" to serve overseas. they were my age, just 21, when they enlisted. i finally got his iv out, a lengthy process because his skin almost tore from the clear tape. as i bandaged the site carefully, he touched my arm and said softly, "miss...you done good. youre the first nurse who has cared about me". i smiled and combed his hair, brushed his teeth...little things that make patients feel human again after lying in a bed for days. and as i went to get the discharge educator, he said "miss...can you call me a cab?" i thought i had heard him wrong, but i made sure. "you don't have anyone to come get you? would you like me to call your family or a friend?" his eyes filled with tears as he said "miss, my family is on the east coast. they dont care about this old guy. and my friends all died a long time ago." i fought back tears as i nodded, and told him i would find him a ride home. i had to run to another room just then, and another nurse called a cab, but i helped him out to it, walking him out with a tiny walker and his little bag of belongings. it seemed so wrong to send him home all alone. sure, home health would be by, and soon he would be in hospice, but i still felt so sad.

he got into the cab, and i put his sweater on his lap. before the door closed, he thanked me again, this tiny, frail man who had just a few weeks to live. and i knew it was me who needed to be thanking him. society should be thanking him. instead he was going home to die alone, in a cab that the hospital called.

i went back into the unit and before i completed my last assessments, i went to the staff room and sobbed for my patients. everyone tells you you cant get involved, that you cant be emotional. to a level, thats true. you have to compose yourself so you dont collapse into tears everytime you leave a room. but no matter what you do, you always become attached to your patients because they are yours. and for that moment, however brief or long, you get allowed a window into their lives. you are allowed just one chance to be Jesus in their lives. you are allowed the privilege to hold their hands while they cry, and to sit and listen to stories about the war, and sometimes... you have to call a cab to get them home.