this road i walk

extra-special needs

2012-01-09T18:08:00.000-08:00

My nieces and nephews have always had a special place in my heart. Because my oldest sister is 9 years my senior, I became an auntie to Bethany Jane when I was 15. Instantly, I was enamored with these tiny people, with their laughter and their light. Then followed Timothy James, Benjamin Lee, Allyson Lynn, Beck Christopher, Jack Henry and Nolan Alexander...each one even more adorable than the last! I carry constant current photos on my iPhone so I can show, well, anyone who will look. They are precious and wonderful, and it's been a joy to watch my husband embrace his title of "Unca Dwew" by marriage into my family. ("Unca Dwew" is also much better at assembling trains, playing basketball, and fixing broken toys than Auntie Gwace, making him a popular commodity among the under-5 crowd).

When Benjamin started having seizures three years ago, he was a towheaded bundle of energy and laughter, just three years old and the light of our lives. We had no idea how it would change our whole family's lives, especially that of my sweet sister. She has walked quite a journey with her husband, the past three years, researching tirelessly and finding the best answers available. Currently, Ben is on a ketogenic diet, which has shown some improvement, and we are really thankful. He still battles seizures, as well as learning challenges posed by his difficult seizure history. We've gotten scary phone calls that Ben had a grand-mal once or twice, and every time, my heart breaks for him, but he's still a trooper, has a smile that brings tears to my eyes, and a joy that overcomes even his cloudy post-seizure moments. He is so precious.

What I've learned is that special needs don't just affect the child and their parents, they reach far into their extended family, into their church, into their community. My sister is so blessed with wonderful friends, who step in regularly to help her with Benjamin's extensive needs, and make sure her other kiddos get ample play time as well. I wish that we lived closer, but because we don't, its been awesome to watch her friends and church rally around her/her family! Special needs have touched us in a very close way, both through Benjamin and Drew's niece, Livvy, who has severe autism and learning disabilities. There are no guarantees in life, that your children will be healthy, but there is a guarantee that the Lord will work it for good. What a blessing Benjamin is to us, what a blessing to see the disability ministry that my sister helped start in her church.

Every time I see Benjamin smile, I am reminded not of his special needs, but of my own need and reliance on Christ. Christ, who is always good, even when seizures are wreaking havoc on Ben's little life, even when we don't understand.

God is still good, still present, still working. I see it in Ben's smiles!

Hello 2012!

2012-01-01T23:25:00.000-08:00

It's shaping up to be a pretty exciting year for us, considering our tiny girl is set to arrive any day! We can't wait to be parents. I decided to make some new years resolutions for 2012; pretty sure I can at least accomplish number 3:)

1) love Jesus: excited to be starting a bible study with a friend

2) love my little family; I get to be a MOM!

3) have a baby!!!

4) grow my company: Do great work. Period. I want to gain more clients and do the best work possible.

5) pass my NCLEX. I've let the fear of failing a second time scare me into not re taking it yet and it's time to go for it. Im back to studying because I DO love being a nurse more than being scared of failing.

6) go back to work. It's been an up and down battle with going to work or not, but we have decided I will go back to work possibly around May or June, for 1-2 days a week. Preferably on call at Providence. I feel the Lord has gifted me to be a nurse and I truly love it. Though I hate to leave my tiny girl, we feel at peace this is the right decision.

7) pay off our debt! We have only student loan debt, but we feel it's irresponsible to let it summer any longer than it needs to. So we want to pay it off quick!

8) try new things! Cook more. Decorate my house. Become a homemaker.

9) LOSE ALL MY BABY WEIGHT BY MARCH! Everyone says I have to allow 9mos to lose it all.. Not gonna happen... I have always been tiny and love to run. I'm confident I can lose it fast!

I also have a brand new pair of jeans to motivate me in my pre pregnancy size :)

A note to our friends and family

2011-12-24T14:00:00.000-08:00

To our wonderful family and friends:

We are so, so grateful to have so many wonderful people around us for Emmersyn's birth. We are excited to meet our daughter, and are thankful that she is already so well-loved. We have had nothing but wonderful support in our journey of this pregnancy.

We wanted to share a little bit of our plan surrounding her birth, so that all our friends and family can be on board, and can help support us. We would love to have you all visit and see her right away, but that's not feasible or practical, so we wanted to share the general timeline of visiting/etc to help ease the transition.

Birth:

We are delivering the baby at Providence Medford, barring emergency complications that would send us to Rogue's more advanced NICU. We are having a private, natural Bradley birth, and we ask that visitors not "drop by" during this time. We will not be sharing information on Facebook or Twitter until she is born, to lessen distractions during labor. Please know we will post information in the event of an emergency, otherwise we are focused on the baby and labor. If you call or text us for updates, Drew and I will not have our phones available during the labor. For the first two hours after her delivery, we will not be seeing any visitors as part of our birth plan. After two hours, we or my parents will begin calling/updating our loved ones and friends via Facebook/twitter/phone (barring emergency problems). We ask that you not drop by the hospital unless we call you to let you know it is an appropriate time. Drew will be greeting all visitors at the hospital, and we ask that visitors leave all little ones at home because of flu season. Thanks for understanding! We love your children, and would love our tiny girl to meet your sweet kids when she is a little bigger/stronger :) Please do not come to the hospital or visit if you have been sick with a cold recently.

After we go home:

We surely will love for you to meet our daughter! Please allow us time at home as we adjust to being parents of a newborn. Please text Drew or I before dropping by the house. We would love to see you at appropriate times when we are feeling up to it. If we don't answer, please know we appreciate you and will return your call/visit when we are able to. We will be doing the "babywise" type scheduling for our little one, and appreciate flexibility and understanding for her schedule after she is two weeks old. This may mean she will be nursing/sleeping when you drop by, thanks for understanding and being flexible :)

Many of you have offered meals and you have no idea how appreciated that would be! Thank you for thinking of us in this very practical way. Please know even if we can't visit when you arrive, we are thankful for any meal. You can text us or my mom to coordinate a meal. We would love that.

Most of all, THANK YOU for loving us and our little one so well! We consider ourselves SO blessed to have such wonderful friends and family, and hopefully this helps you understand what the first few weeks may look like for us.

Love,

Grace, Drew, and soon to arrive Emmy Aspinwall

a year, a baby, and two go-bags

2011-12-12T11:24:00.001-08:00

we celebrated a year of marriage yesterday! can't believe it's been that long, but also can't believe how many things we've been through in just 365 days. We were married Dec 12, 2010, with literally barely 200 dollars to our name...We honeymooned in Disneyland and then moved into the world's tiniest apartment. we learned, after moving in, that this apartment had no oven. it also had no laundry machine, and no dishwasher. We spent many nights at the laundromat (which i refused to go to alone because i was afraid i was going to get "stabbed and murdered", even though it was perfectly safe) watching movies and doing work. We also spent many nights cooking in a toaster oven. By "we", i mean me burning food for the first month solid. I now feel very proud that I can cook in a teeny oven and produce edible casseroles in a 9x9 pan. Nevermind the turkey meatball disaster and the charred brownies. (Cooking in a toaster oven is a very interesting experience. Everyone should try it, because when you have a real oven, you want to hug it every single day. For real.) I have actually learned to bake. Amazing, I know. My limited repertoire now includes applesauce coffee cake, caramel walnut cookies, muffins, and cupcakes. We eat a lot of applesauce coffee cake :)

I also now have a dishwasher.

I may or may not hug it as well.

We also spent the second month of our marriage in the hospital. Nearly going blind and being rushed to the hospital does wonders to bring you closer as a couple! My husband never once even seemed slightly stressed, even when the bills started rolling in...to the tune of thousands AFTER insurance. We were blessed with really good jobs and supplemental income, and amazingly, by sticking to a budget, we have paid off every single hospital bill from this year. We've stashed money into savings, and moved into a home that is almost three times the size of our first one bedroom. The Lord is good and always provides.

Month five of our marriage brought a happy surprise; news that a tiny member of our family was on their way. I finished nursing school amid morning sickness and graduated with a 10-week baby bump! We found out she was a girl when we were 18 weeks along and have been in love with her sweet little button nose and rosebud lips ever since.

We've walked through most of a difficult pregnancy, two eye surgeries, hospitalizations, moving, a car breaking down, buying a new car, making a budget, graduation, nursing school, a failed NCLEX, new jobs, a date night every tuesday, paying bills, building a crib, decorating a new house, and the joys of everyday life for a year. I couldn't be more thankful for walking through all of it with my very best friend. Drew is kind, slow to argue, quick to lend a hand, and ever patient with my hormones and tears and trips to the hospital. Here we are, a year into this, happier than ever. Armed with a tiny pink carseat, two "go-bags" and awaiting our tiny girl. God is truly good.

"I have found the one my soul loves!" Songs 3:4

five years.

2011-11-21T15:06:00.000-08:00

drew and i had an impromptu date last night; since we don't have internet hooked up yet, we went to Starbucks to have coffee together and catch up on various work. two for one holiday drinks make for a yummy and inexpensive date night. while we were sitting there, i ran into an old friend. i hadn't seen him in about five years, so he didn't know i was married or pregnant. i was shocked to see him, since he looked so much different than i had remembered. years ago, i would have considered him a close friend. he came to some of my birthday parties, and we had a group of friends we hung out with often. he was always the life of the party. funny, smart and everyone's buddy. i had heard he wasn't doing well, but i didn't know the extent at all. when i saw him last night, i saw just a glimpse of the guy i once knew.

he's homeless now.

battling poverty, addiction, medical conditions, and a crumbled relationship.

i almost didn't recognize him.

gone was the clean cut, sharp, funny and sweet twenty-something,

and there in his place stood a weathered, sad, and so-much-older man.

five years is a long time.

i left starbucks hand in hand with my husband. my precious, giving, adoring husband. feeling my tiny daughter happily wiggling. in our warm car, headed to a new, warm house.

how sobering.

a little news from our corner of the world...

2011-11-20T17:20:00.000-08:00

the biggest piece of news is that we've moved!

our sweet little townhouse feels like a mansion to us after leaving our 330 square foot apartment! this new place is almost three times that size. we love the new carpet, new paint and new floor features of it, but i also love the dishwasher, oven, and laundry machines that i did not have in our last apartment. i volunteered to bring three side dishes to our family thanksgiving because i was so excited about baking :) Emmy's room has the crib at least set up in it, looks great and is so sweet. we decided on white, charcoal grey and hot pink for her colors.

the second piece of news is that i got a new job! surprising, since i wasn't really looking; this totally fell right into my hands. i'm now doing social media consulting and management for three local companies. it pays great and is 100% at home. i am very excited; as it gives me a chance to expand my repertoire and use my skills learned in three years of marketing at a university. i'm considering offering this as part of my company eventually. i'm working on some new music with a few new artists as well. i'm overwhelmed with gratitude with the opportunity to make a good income and also not lose out on time with my tiny baby girl. i've wanted to be a stay at home mama at least until she's bigger, and this allows me to do both.

that's all for us...just gearing up for thanksgiving, and unpacking boxes. Emmy continues to grow at a rather alarming rate (to me!), and kicks and wiggles all day long. she is a complete doll; pretty much sleeps when i sleep and wakes when her daddy leaves for work. she responds to our voices by moving her head towards whoever is speaking. we are so in love with her tiny little wiggly self <3

33 weeks...

2011-11-14T10:46:00.001-08:00

only about 7 more weeks till we meet our sweet girl. these moments are so precious...i can't wait to meet Emmersyn, but this special time is going by so fast. last night, i watched my husband read her a bedtime story (all about Princess Belle :) and i felt the tears welling up. she loves her daddy. she wakes up when he talks to her, and she loves bedtime stories already! watching him talk to her and already love being her daddy only makes me love him more! we are exceedingly blessed.

why we chose a natural birth

2011-11-10T11:26:00.000-08:00

i've gotten A LOT of comments about our choice to do the Bradley method. Most involve horrific stories of traumatic births and emergency C-sections, followed by lengthy lectures about why I will want an epidural "for sure" and how I can't possibly know how horrible birth is. The worst have been people asking if I "think I am better than them because I am choosing natural birth". So i'm here to set the record straight.

I most definitely do NOT think I am better than any mama who has chosen an epidural, a c-section, or a medicated labor. I respect any woman who has put her body through carrying these tiny babies, and getting through any kind of birth should be celebrated! I do not think I am a better mama, a more educated person, or holier-than-thou for choosing an unmedicated birth.

Next, I love modern medicine. Unlike a few other natural birth aficionados, my husband and I have nothing but respect and admiration for our healthcare team. As a nurse, I respect others who have chosen the healthcare field, and definitely do not think all of modern medicine is full of conspiracy and evil. I know these things happen in healthcare, but we have been very blessed with a healthcare team at Providence who are WONDERFUL, gifted and supportive. We have not chosen a home birth, nor do we feel that is the right choice for our particular situation. I have a number of health concerns including asthma, potential for a repeated eye rupture, and previous cardiac complications that necessitate me being in a hospital setting. It makes us feel very comfortable knowing we have a capable and caring team of individuals around who want the best for Emmersyn and I. I am thankful for oxygen, IV pumps, the ability to have a C-section in 5 minutes, and the ability for monitoring of our sweet girl.

I also love my doctor (in a non-creepy way). My husband and I have found a wonderful, Christian doctor who cares about our family and prays for our daughter. He takes time to make personal calls to us whenever Emmersyn has new scans or appointments, and we have never felt rushed, or hurried out the door. I think choosing a doctor is very important, and we feel great about our choice. I certainly trust his judgement. If a complication arises, we know he will give us the best, most appropriate options, and his openness to my birth plan is reassuring. I feel confident that, if I were unable to make medical decisions for myself, that our doctor would choose the best option with my husband.

I love the Bradley. Eating healthy, exercising, and learning to relax through the pain is incredibly inspiring and makes me feel calm and collected going into labor. My husband has been incredible supportive of this method and has done his part to learn the material and practice with me. That being said, we are not dead-set on a drug free birth. We want a healthy baby. If something happens and we can't have a natural birth, I will be sad but not heartbroken.

I am not obsessed with the Bradley, nor do I center my life around it. I pray for our daughter and for my strength during labor, and the Lord will deliver her however He would like. We can work hard and learn the material, but overall, the Lord is in control.

The absolute worst thing that I have heard involves speculation about how awful it would be if Emmersyn had special needs. Me having/not having electronic fetal monitoring, having/not vaccinations, or particular types of labor and somehow linking that to the "horror" of having a child with special needs is incredibly tacky to bring up. We have many friends and family members who have been blessed with children with special needs. What a dishonor we do them when we assume that we know the cause/prevention of their "new normal". I have done everything within my ability to protect our tiny daughter, and I will for her whole life! But I cannot control her having or not having special needs. We will love and embrace her no matter what. We had an 18 week ultrasound to determine her gender and they were able to check for Down's Syndrome. Her ultrasound was negative for Downs, clubfeet, and other heart defects, and we were thankful. And I admit, my heart stopped for a brief moment when I realized she could have any sort of handicap. But we love our daughter. She is ours, she is precious, and she is perfectly made.

"Having a child with special needs is NOT a tragedy. The tragedy would be raising a child who is cruel to someone with special needs". -Unknown

Why I do what i do...a peek into the Christian music industry

2011-11-08T14:52:00.000-08:00

When I started my company almost two years ago, I didn't know it would actually take off. I have been blessed to work with some AMAZING artists, but it's not always glamorous (in fact, it's rarely glamorous) or fun, or even encouraging some days. It's more paperwork that I could have imagined, artist contracts, proposals, and listening to more music than I knew my ears could withstand. There are days I forget why I do this. When the obstacles and difficulties are more than the pay could warrant. Unreturned emails, thousands of voicemails, trips the post office that don't end.

Then I hear the song.

The one that I know I've been waiting for..the one that shows me that all I've been working on is worth it, because someone else will get to hear this song.

Like today.

And I get so thankful that I get to help these artists do what they love, because it is truly, truly, what I love to do. I love the organizing and the phone calls and those moments when you hear the song on the radio and know that you got it there. I love what I do. And I'm honored to do it.

Which brings me to the next news; I am opening up two spots on my roster for an independent artist. Please let me know if you or someone you know is looking for management and send them my way. wondermentmgmt@me.com. Thanks!

Couponing Week 1

2011-11-07T13:50:00.000-08:00

Thanks to the help of some friends, I am now on my journey of couponing! I made my handy coupon binder last week thanks to the Krazy Coupon Lady's blog. i ventured out on Sunday afternoon to tackle the first of my purchases at our local Safeway...here's how i did:

-Two pillsbury cinnamon rolls (we love these on Saturday mornings)

$2.49 regular price x 2 = $4.98

-$1.00 off/2 Safeway coupon

-$1.00 off/2 manufacturer coupon

-$.50/2 store coupon

= $2.48 for both

-Betty Crocker Supreme brownie mixes (I like to stock up on these :)

$3.49 regular price x 2 +$7.98

-$1.00 off/2 store coupons

-$1.00 off/2 manufacturer coupon

-$1.00 club card savings off each

-$1.00 additional manufacturer coupon

= $2.98 for both (saved five dollars!)

Herbal Essences Shampoo (Target)

$2.49 regular price x 2 = 4.98

-$1.00 Target beauty bag coupon/each

-$1.00 manufacturer coupon/each

= two for 0.98!!!

Coupons are tricky, you can definitely get caught up getting stuff you didn't need to start with. I found a GREAT deal on bar soap, but we prefer body wash type soap, so it would have been silly to get those. Also, even with coupons, the item can be more expensive than if you just found it on sale or got the off brand. Example: I had a double coupon for Lucky Charms, but the regular price was 6.49! Even with 2.00 off, 4.49 for a box of cereal is absurd. It's also awkward to go to a store for only a few things, but I'm already saving money...I saved 27.00 this weekend alone on things we use and needed. I'm also following the new rule of buying things for next year after the event/season. Here's a few of the deals I've found recently:

-Walmart after-halloween sale:

-Two sets of plastic tumblers (great for having people over!) $0.50

-Harvest themed paper plates $0.20

-"Fall" hand towels $0.75

-Candy for operation christmas child (regular price 5.49) $1.00

-Gift bags in harvest colors (but can be used for anything!)$0.75 for two

Gymboree children's sale (post season)

-18-24 month dress for Emmersyn, regular price $42.50. Sale price: $3.99

-18-24 month jeans and top for Emmersyn, regular price 39.50 sale $3.99

-Size 9 year old dress for my niece, regular price $32.50, sale $3.99

-Newborn size headband, jammies, hat regular price $50.00, sale $3.99

-Size 5 dress for my other niece, regular price $49.50, sale $3.99

I ended up getting 16 items for an amazing $25.00 with the combination of sales and coupons! I got over 375.00 worth of clothes for barely a fraction of the original prices. I love Gymboree too because their quality is great. I stocked up on tons of dresses, sweaters, and jammies for our baby girl too :), and got almost all our nieces and nephews brand new clothes for Christmas!

from working woman to...stay at home mommy?

2011-11-01T15:02:00.001-07:00

it has always been my husband's and my dream for me to be able to stay at home and enjoy a full time "mommy-hood" lifestyle. we had it pretty mapped out; get out of student loan debt, i would quit my job, and be a full time mama...then two pink lines showed up and now we have our precious 3 lb 2 oz daughter almost in our arms. happened fast, and though we wouldn't change a thing, its changed our priorities. we are working hard to get out of debt, and have done a good job so far paying off absurdly high medical bills (my eye surgeries wiped us out for six months!), and staying away from excess debt by living simply and learning to budget. all that considered, we will be a one-income family for at least four months beginning in December. and let me tell you...being a two income family hasn't been extravagant, but it's downright cushy compared to a single income. hence, my newest journey, and the reason for the facelift to my blog... i'm learning how to be a stay at home mama, and also learning to cut back on expenses by becoming....an extreme couponer. yes, i said it! we've all been there haven't we? stuck behind the "crazy couponer" for 30 minutes behind the person in the checkout line with four inches of coupons clutched in their hands.

and now i'm about to become her.

my mom always taught us the value of a good deal when we were growing up, and she managed to run a household of 6 on a single income from my dad (something i find even more amazing as i begin to look at running a household of 3 on one income). even so, this is a whole new ballgame. i'm just starting out, so i'm beginning my "coupon binder" this week. there's like a whole new language to this couponing thing (words like BOGO and redplum and stacking make me want to quit before i have even started)...it's practically a job, it requires time and patience and a whole lot of organization to really accomplish anything more than a year's worth of excess pasta.

everyone has asked if i feel nervous about being a stay at home mom. to be honest...

i'm terrified. i couldn't be more thrilled about being with our tiny girl, i was a nanny for almost 8 years and am a nurse, so the idea of actually parenting a baby is not what i'm worried about. i've handled up to 16 kids on my own (that was a nightmare of a nannying job), and can change a diaper and soothe a baby like a pro. so unlike most first time mamas, the thought of a fever or screaming baby doesn't faze me. it's the "being home all the time" part. since high school, i have been running around like a chicken with my head cut off. i am busy. constantly, unceasingly busy. i have always worked at least one job, sometimes up to four. i thrive on being busy. the thought of being home by myself with no one but this tiny, sleeping infant makes me want to nervously start creating "to-do" lists so i can stay busy. i'm sure i'll adjust, but i get panicky after one day off...hopefully couponing will take some of that excess time up...or i'll start watching daytime TV.

i always wanted to watch re-runs of Judge Judy :)

30 weeks...can it be??

2011-10-25T14:47:00.000-07:00

Yes, already it seems our sweet Emmy-Grace is a whopping 30 weeks. She weighs in at about 3 lbs and seems to be happily growing and wiggling inside me! We can't believe how fast this pregnancy is flying by, and yet there seems to be so much to do to get ready for her birth. I have been feeling pretty good; still working, and doing my best to battle the back pain that comes from being petite and carrying a baby. My last day at work is Dec 12, if I don't go into labor before then, and then I'll be a stay-at-home mommy to Emmersyn until she is at least three months old. We are still praying about whether I will take an on-call position (1-2 days a week) or I will continue to stay at home. We are confident the Lord will work it out when the time comes, either way. Until then, I continue to find too many clothes for our girl, and am getting things ready for her arrival. I think the nesting instinct has kicked in because all I want to do is clean our house, organize her clothes, and pack her hospital bag...

Our lease is up in November, and we are moving to a bigger place. Although I will be thrilled to have a real oven, a dishwasher, and a washer/dryer, I must admit I will miss our tiny apartment. It's cozy and we have enjoyed 10 happy months of wedded bliss in it...

We are headed to Portland on Nov 11, to celebrate our one year wedding anniversary a month early...I didn't think that at 36 weeks pregnant, I would enjoy traveling/shopping/sleeping in a hotel bed, so we decided it'll be easier to travel next month instead. We are hoping to snag some goodies for our new house at the fun IKEA in Portland.

Hubby still is enjoying his job in online marketing, while I pass my days away as a marketing assistant at Southern Oregon University/Social Media Coordinator at CCM Magazine/owner of Wonderment Entertainment. My jobs keep me pretty busy, though I find I am pretty slow getting around these days with tiny girly wiggling 24/7 and kicking me in the ribs and back.

That's about it for us...we have a checkup with our baby doc tomorrow!

Third Trimester!

2011-10-03T15:11:00.000-07:00

Our precious, sweet baby is 27 weeks! Weighing in at 2.2 lbs and 15 inches from head to toe, she is beginning to really pack a punch...she kicked her daddy's hand pretty hard the other day, has lots of bouts with hiccups, and enjoys kicking and rolling for about 20 mins at a time during the day. i wish i could see if she was sucking her thumb, but i would need a 24/7 ultrasound to do that :) her daddy and i are beginning baby preparations (eek!) including her darling crib and carseat/stroller combo. i'm not sure where people are taking their babies these days, but they make some serious all-terrain strollers. since we are not taking her to the Alps, or off-roading, we are settling for the "we're going the mall" stroller.

after a scare with pre-term labor, i have had no other contractions, and we are really thankful she is staying put in her cozy little home (i assume my womb is cozy...i have no idea.)

in other news, we have a new car to bring her home in, a lovely, immaculate, new-to-us Dodge Stratus. it's by FAR the nicest car either one of us have owned, and it's really safe and new for the little one we will be bringing home. although i have picked neutral things for her crib, and her pack n' play, and her highchair, etc, the neutral infant carseat was really hideous and had monkeys and bananas all over it. so the one we've picked is pink and brown and since she'll only be in it until she's 22 lbs, we can just get another with baby #2 (i can't believe we will even have one, much less two, ever). i'm all set to go with my CUTE petunia picklebottom bags, in the boxy backpack and the adorable cross town clutch! You can see them here: http://petuniapicklebottom.com/collections/original/boxybackpacks/siestainsevilla/

the bags are spendy, but are really great quality and made out of great coated fabric so they wipe right off.

our Bradley birth class is...interesting...drew and i feel like the trouble makers because we are apparently having too much fun. last week we did "labor rehearsals" using ice cubes (?) and when i started snickering because water was dripping down my clothes, the instructor came over and asked "what the issue" was. "the issue" was that it was hilarious, but she didn't share our humor, i guess! also, i have thought it was my week to bring snacks multiple weeks in a row now, which has resulted in me baking absurdly complicated desserts full of stuff like spelt flour and agave, only to be left with dozens of leftovers upon discovering it wasn't our turn. husband i have gained a ton of weight from eating all of the baked goods! (it really is my week this week, btw. i checked. i have to bring spinach dip. have i ever made spinach dip? no. i will let you know how that goes). all in all, we have learned a little bit, and the couples in the class are super nice, so we will keep going (and getting fat from baking). i am not sure how a "2 hour class" has morphed into a "3 hour class' but let's all just say a prayer of thankfulness that labor rehearsals are at the end and involve lots of pillows and darkness and mini-naps. (if it was happening on a thursday, i would probably hightail it outta there every week so i didn't miss grey's). i'm all for natural birth and i do believe it is the right decision for us, but i simply don't revolve my life around it. the Lord knows when and how she is going to make her appearance. i will exercise and eat healthy and do the workbook, but my life moves on in the next 13 weeks. i think that's why i have trouble with the class...the teacher is a little bit obsessed with it all. i work 40 hours a week so i can't find time to sit there and read 24/7...i have already done the research. anyways, long story short, we love the Bradley, love our fellow parent couples, but could really do without the three hour class.

i'm finally "looking pregnant" according to three ladies at church who announced that they didn't know i was expecting till this week. i feel the size of a small country, but have in fact not gotten out of maternity size XS, so i must not be as big as i feel.

that's about it for an update! can't wait to actually have baby pictures!!!

fear and the great unknown

2011-09-15T15:11:00.000-07:00

being pregnant is one of the most terrifying experiences of my whole life.

there.

i said it.

ever since two pink lines told me that there was a tiny person growing inside me, i was filled with fear. feat that something would happen, that we would lose this little one, that days filled with happiness would be clouded with grief. and as she has grown, i've had to let go of those fears. for the first few months, i didn't even want to buy things for the baby, because i was scared we would have to look at a closet of clothes that would remind us if something happened. sweet Emmy-Grace is 26 weeks old, and i have really tried to rest in the Lord. ultimately, i cannot control the circumstances of her birth/arrival/growth and i have to enjoy every moment i get to be her mama. i battled fear last week when i was having almost 4 hours of regular, painful contractions and i thought we might be having our sweet girl much too early.

to be quite honest, i have battled fear and anxiety a lot these past few months as the financial trials seemed to keep coming. dealing with health insurance, rising hospital bills from my last surgery, and upcoming new bills related to Emmy, it felt like we were sinking. it all cumulated with the most recent loss of our one car, my 1997 Ford Taurus. it couldn't have come at a worse time, it seemed, when we were just beginning to establish an actual savings account and making more than our bills were costing. but as always, the Lord has been extremely gracious to us. we have had a very healthy baby girl thus far, easy and low-cost appointments, and never been unable to pay a bill. i got a sizeable raise last month, and we were able to find transportation from gracious friends as we looked for a car.

fear is eager to rob our joy. my beautiful friend Sara Frankl passed away a few nights ago, someone who would have been seemingly justified in living in fear (she battled chronic illness/infection and pain and had to be restricted to her home), but for whom joy was the only option. she always chose joy. thankfulness. eucharistia. i wish that i could have gotten to see Sara run into the arms of her Saviour, because I know without a doubt that she was welcomed and rejoiced over. she lived well and died well.

Sara knew.

She knew that our God is not a God who leaves us vacant.

Will He strip things away to let us rely on Him? Yes.

Bills, housing, cars, children...all causes that can make us tremble with fear.

He will never leave us vacant.

"I've picked you. I haven't dropped you. Don't panic. I'm with you. There's no need to fear for I'm your God. I'll give you strength. I'll help you. I'll hold you steady, keep a firm grip on you"

Isaiah 41:10

In loving memory of Sara Frankl. To live is Christ, to die is gain.

praise

2011-09-14T14:09:00.000-07:00

i heard just this afternoon that my friend sara (gitzengirl) is headed to be with Jesus sometime in the next hours/day. she has been housebound due to a medical condition called spondylitis, and therefore i have never met her in person. i began following her blog after my friend matthew directed me there and i found a Godly, beautiful friend. sara is the epitome of love in action and finding joy in suffering. her motto was always "choose joy!". sara painted beautiful canvasses of inspiring verses and quotes and her blog is filled with fun photos and joy in the midst of great pain from her illness. i have never seen such trust in the Lord or peace in the storm that for sara, never really let up. sara loves people without bounds or measures, and does so in spite of not having the luxury of all the things we take for granted. that's why today, although i am sad and heartbroken for the loss of a beautiful friend, i am choosing joy because that's what sara would want. sara is surrounded by hospice care, and her family is surrounding her, reading her messages from friends as she waits for Jesus to take her home. she would not want anyone to be sad, because she is confident in Who awaits her.

sara chose a "word for the year" in january, and hers was "praise".

fitting, because that is what her whole life has been about.

i love you sara, and cannot wait for you to get to see Jesus.

Your heart is already His, now it gets to see Him in person.

praise.

Twenty-five days...

2011-08-09T14:38:00.000-07:00

...until we are back in Alabama for vacation! I can't wait! We have a really packed trip planned, including a baby shower, a maternity photoshoot with the amazing Kim Box Photography, and a trip to the beach.

Sweet Emmersyn (oh, by the way, SHE'S A GIRL!) is growing like a weed, bouncing up and down on my bladder, and kicking to the sound of her daddy's voice. She is beautiful and precious, and has a tiny little ski-jump nose and rosebud lips. Many thanks to Jodi for doing a beautiful ultrasound and letting us see our precious little girl. We feel so blessed that she is healthy, as far as we can see so far. God is gracious, no matter what. My pregnancy has been difficult (the first twelve weeks), but now is blessedly peaceful. I ordered a beautiful memory keeper box from Paper Coterie who also did my wedding album. It has our family's name on the front, and will hold all of her ultrasound photos, baby shower invitations, etc, until I begin her scrapbook.

the NCLEX and the center of the world: this much i know

2011-08-04T13:02:00.001-07:00

i took my NCLEX on tuesday. i was more peaceful and calm going into it than i have EVER been taking any test, so i felt ready to conquer it. i had breakfast with my husband (btw, great harvest makes the most delicious european style hot chocolate!), and drove to the test center feeling really good about passing. i sat down to take the test, and got thru the first 75 questions no problem. i knew that if it shut off at 75, i had a 90 percent chance that i passed, so i was feeling great. i knew every question! so when it didn't stop at 75, i remained calm. i knew a friend had gotten 160-ish, so i was determined not to panic. I kept going thru the questions, which kept getting more and more difficult (a good sign on the nclex), certain it was going to stop any minute. at 100 questions, I was still going strong, taking my time, and for certain getting correct answers. Since the questions kept increasing in difficulty (i studied three hours a day for months, got great practice test grades, and was an excellent student, and I had not even heard of some of the things they were asking at this point), I began getting confused as to why it was not stopping.

at 150, I decided to stop watching the counter.

at 199, I began to panic. my horror increased with each question.

it was not stopping.

and by 205, I was full-on crying. My brain was so tired, and i knew the questions were not going to stop until i reached the full 265. I didn't know if they were getting harder or easier anymore, because they all seemed horribly confusing.

by 255, I barely made it to the end. barely made it out of the testing center to my car before i fell apart. i knew that when you get the full questions, they only look at the very end ones to decide your passing/failing, so all the ones I knew I did well on did not really count. i was getting tons of EKG strips and lung sounds on the last few, not my strongest points, and i was crying, so i knew it was not my finest moment. i had prayed right before i went in, "Lord whatever happens, please just don't make me get the long test!"

God said no.

I came home, cried for a really long time, watched three episodes of grey's anatomy, ate chocolate, and took a nap. I was devastated. but I have a husband and friends who don't let me wallow (I have great friends and the best husband in the whole world), and I got up. I kept moving, I went on a date with my sweet husband, and I moved forward with life. Life doesn't stop for disappointments. It keeps moving. Dishes still need to be done, groceries purchased, clothes put away, laundry done. and i realized that the nclex is not the center of the world. it seemed like it was for months. and to be sure, it was important. but its not the most important thing in the world. it's really not.

i have a friend whose sister had brain surgery this week, to remove a mass. she's 21 years old. the doctors were able to get the mass out, and she has only minor vision problems now.

family friends almost lost their 17 year old daughter on an O.R. table this month. she's alive today, and she looks more beautiful than ever.

another friend lost her infant daughter recently. she had to plan a funeral for a tiny person when she should have been planning a baby shower. they are grieving.

and one of our dearest friends was hit by a car this month. he is relearning how to do everything. his wife woke up on their 2 year anniversary knowing she may never have her husband back. he's learning to walk again.

Those are the important things.

this i know: i woke up this morning in the arms of my husband, under the roof of our cozy home, feeling our precious little one wiggling to tell me good morning. we are blessed beyond measure.

even when God says no. He is the center of my universe, and the nclex is a minor blip on the line of eternity. this i know is true. always.

baby update

2011-07-26T13:50:00.000-07:00

our sweet E is growing like a weed, is now about the size of your outstretched hand from head to bum, and is very, very wiggly. this morning, i woke up to a baseball-sized wiggling lump on one side of my stomach. it loves to hear it's daddy's voice, and when drew talks nearby, it wiggles and dances. i'm finally feeling better, after a VERY rough first trimester, and finally back to having a tiny bit of energy.

it also loves music, and i've been playing the new switchfoot and "the story" album with

headphones on my stomach at work and it get awfully squirmy when music plays! i've chosen nichole nordeman's "sing over me" compilation album, "the story" compilation album, and switchfoot's quieter songs to add to my birth playlist so far. i need a lot of music, so i've started playing it for the baby already. research shows that playing the birth music in utero helps stimulate their brain and will also calm them when they are outside the womb. we begin our bradley method classes in august, and have been blessed to find a state-accredited teacher who teaches two families at a time. i really like the personal care she seems to be providing. i loosely follow the bradley/brewer meal plan (heavy on protein, but with my meat aversion, i have gotten creative with the protein, and exercise 45 mins a day). don't go thinking i'm all super-mom, because i totally just cheated and ate a candy bar ;-)

we are breastfeeding and cloth diapering (i never thought i'd be a "natural" mama, but studies and research have shown these both have wonderful benefits). i have found really great deals on AIO (all in one) cloth diapers, and my lovely sis has been helping me look for prefolds and covers. i think E will have plenty by the time they come along! here is one of the first set i ordered yesterday. i found a great sale on them, so i ordered the first six.

we don't know what our squirmy little worm is (boy or girl) yet, so we are holding off on nursery decorations until we a) move and b) know the gender. we are planning on moving in november, so i will be able to decorate the nursery then. we are purchasing the Graco Snugride infant seat in August, and this beautiful crib when we move:

the last thing i've picked is this diaper bag from Petunia Picklebottom, my splurge of a purchase at a steep price, but i really love it and the gender neutral design means it will last till baby number two for sure. (photo is above). i'm waiting on a coupon/sale before i purchase it here from the little boutique that sells them.

that's pretty much all for now. writing our birth plan to go over with our doc at our next appt, but otherwise baby just keeps growing and we are thankful :)

five year plan

2011-07-14T11:02:00.000-07:00

i think if you had asked my husband or i our "five year plan" on our wedding day, it would have looked something like this: graduate from nursing school, land dream jobs, get out of student loan debt in a year, and try for a baby in 2012. it sure sounded nice on the day we said, "i do"!

and then on the exact day we marked five months of being married, two pink lines announced our little family was growing by one, faster than we thought.

I think that having a five year plan is really important for a marriage. as the pastor who did our premarital counseling said, " a marriage with no plan, no strategy to battle sin, no plan to handle finances and children, is a ship without a rudder." i think it's also important to remember Who is steering the ship!

a few nights ago, we discussed our new five year plan. still getting out of loan debt from my schooling. still wanting that dream job. but this time, as we talked, little e was wiggling away...e likes their daddy's voice and they wiggle when he talks close my my tummy! it's funny how the Lord can tip your plans upside down and you simply can't see what He is doing. but then, you realize He worked it all out ahead of you, and when you turn and look at the past that led you to today, you see a trail of faithfulness. The Lord provided jobs for us both, a cozy home, and enough income to well exceed our bills. He provided health insurance. He also took away the dream job i thought i wanted, in His mercy, because He knew i never would have been able to handle it while pregnant. it's astonishing, really, how the Lord orchestrates every little detail.

I don't know why i don't trust Him all the time.

i woke up yesterday to a cool breeze seeping in through our curtains, in the arms of my sleeping beloved husband, and feeling E welcoming the morning with a few happy wiggles. I am blessed beyond measure.

Hamlet, the worst baby name ever.

2011-07-11T10:40:00.000-07:00

i married a funny guy. he makes me laugh at least fifteen times a day, at minimum. this comes in handy when you are pregnant, grumpy, always feeling like passing out, and throwing up your stomach contents at least once daily. in addition to being funny, he also does the dishes, cooks, cleans, and handles my random cravings like a pro. (i know, you wish you had a husband this great...too bad i married him first! ha!) last night, as we were discussing baby names before we went to bed, he says, "OH! did you know the Beckham's (David and Victoria, who we don't know, but pretend like we can call them by their first names), had a baby yesterday! They named her something really weird...it was... HAMLET! Hamlet Seven Beckham!"

At this revelation, i started laughing uncontrollably. Who in their right mind would name their kid "Hamlet"? i laughed so hard, the baby shifted from left to right, apparently indignant that i was squashing it with my laughter. we laughed awhile longer, until i was practically crying from the thought that it was such a horrible name for a baby, until husband decided he should look it up on the iPhone to make sure. well, we made a "no iphones in bed" rule (which is a really good rule if you're married), so if you want to use your phone, you have to actually get OUT of the bed. so he crawls out and stands up to use his phone and finds the actual news story while i continue cracking up about the fact that someone would name their baby Hamlet, when he suddenly goes, "Oh. i guess it wasn't hamlet. it was Harper."

This made me laugh even harder. Harper is a pretty normal name, and sounds nothing like Hamlet, so i asked him why he got them mixed up. He said, "Well i knew it started with H and it was six letters. So there."

Harper. Not Hamlet.

first world problems

2011-07-07T12:59:00.000-07:00

my cell phone dropping bars and not getting to use the internet.

my four hundred dollar iPhone.

being frustrated by waiting in line at the eye dr and Wells Fargo.

to deposit a large paycheck and see my world-class surgeon for free thanks to health insurance.

going over our food budget and having to tighten up this month.

we had the ability to go over by two hundred dollars. and we didn't even notice.

frustrations about a tiny apartment, a water heater that is finicky, and an old fridge.

a cozy, air conditioned apartment, blazing hot water whenever we want, and a fridge overflowing with food that we had to throw out because it went bad.

these were the things i complained about this week.

i'm not proud of this list.

i passed a homeless man on the interstate today. he had a sign that said "hungry."

i went two hundred dollars over our food budget last month.

i'm humbled.

but not hungry.

and that is truly sobering.

i have clean water. i'm not being trafficked. i'm not sleeping on the streets of ethiopia waiting for life saving surgery. i don't go to bed hungry.

humbled.

Sweet Baby E!

2011-07-05T14:07:00.000-07:00

Yes, it's true! Emmy or Ever will, Lord willing, be joining our little family in January.

We are overjoyed and thankful to the Lord for His gracious gift.

People have already been asking some of these questions, so I figured I'd just answer them all!

-"Why those names?"

These particular names don't have family significance, we just really loved them. Our odd last name is tricky and long, so we tried to consider that in our choice. Emmersyn Grace means "embracing the grace of God", and Everett Jude means "strong and faithful one". We love those meanings. We are calling the baby "E" for now. Yes, we are finding out the gender, sometime in August.

-"How many weeks are you? You're already showing!"

Yes, it is true. Petite girls tend to show pretty fast, and at 5'2", I was showing at week 6! Appropriate weight gain for someone of my size is 25-30 pounds. So far, at week 14, I have gained 6.5 pounds, so I am right on track, hoping my appetite will pick up soon. I was really, really ill through the first 12 weeks, throwing up at least once daily, so I am very thankful for the second trimester, since the nausea is already settling down (thank you LORD!)

-"What will you do about work?"

We are praying about what to do, but confident the Lord will provide necessary work. Drew has a great job with benefits, so the main purpose of me working is supplemental income for getting out of debt. We have student loans from nursing school, so most likely I will need work part time to knock those out after E arrives. I am hoping to be home as much as I can early on, and we are praying about what that will look like. We have never wanted to do daycare, so we will work it out without daycare.

-"What is the Bradley Method?"

We have chosen the Bradley Method for our birth plan. Of course, you can never tell what will happen with a birth, so we are open to however it happens. The Bradley Method is also known as "husband coached childbirth" and is a plan centered around diet, exercise, and "signposts" of labor. There is also a 12 week class you can participate in with an accredited teacher. Unlike some "all natural" plans, I liked this approach, because the focus is on training your body just like you would for a marathon with correct exercise and diet. I also appreciated that it doesn't make you feel like a total failure if something arises and you have to have a c-section. We have chosen to give birth in a hospital. We both feel the most comfortable with this, because of my past heart/asthma/eye complications, and because it makes me feel less anxious to know the hospital is equipped to handle an emergency for me as well as baby. I am fully aware that midwives can also offer this service, but as a nurse, it just is the best plan for me. People have all sorts of opinions about what is "right" and I have to say, it is different for every woman. I don't enjoy being told that the choice we have made is "wrong", because I know it could be right or wrong for each person! This is just the choice we prayed about and feel most comfortable with. I have done significant (and unending!) research about many methods and feel they all have something good to offer. This route is right for us and precious E. It may change as we get closer, but the research-based shorter labor evidence is enough for me! :)

Confessions of a (former) Shopaholic

2011-06-21T12:09:00.000-07:00

When my dear husband and I married, I was the spender. He was the saver. So when he brought out the dreaded budget spreadsheet, I cringed on the inside. I wasn't in tremendous debt (save a hundred bucks on a credit card), but I definitely wasn't saving, or even strategically getting through a month without squeaking by at the end. I also didn't have a healthy relationship with finances, and I needed to. So I grudgingly accepted the budget (after making my husband turn it into a pink excel sheet :) and began to understand how money REALLY works. And the effects it carries with it. Now that we are newly married, thinking about a family in the future, and paying off my student loans, it means buckling down to really hammer out the details of our budget. I've learned a few things in the last six months, and I'm slowly (dare I say it), becoming a...saver. So how did I do it? How'd my husband change me from "Becky Bloomwood", shop-a-holic with a closet full of unworn clothes, to a girl who actually enjoys saving money? You can do it too.

1) Step one: collect all your receipts and save them for a month. This will show you where you are blowing through your money and where you may be spending less than you think. I was spending way too much on coffee, and spending less than I thought on gas.

2) Set realistic goals: The truth is, some things happen, and it's best to allow room. And you have to budget every single category. We have categories for coffee, movies, clothes, and household. The first month we tried this, we set our food budget at a modest 250.00. Needless to say, we absolutely obliterated about 450.00 the first month. So we compromised. Our food budget is about 300-350 monthly now, and if I really use coupons, I can usually knock it under 300. 450 was overly generous, 250 wasn’t realistic. Find a middle ground. A lot of people don’t agree with buying coffee out. They want you to get an espresso machine and save a ton of money by “making it yourself”. Here’s the deal: Husband and I work M-F, leaving around 8 or 9 and coming home at 5 or 6. And when I wake up or come home, I don’t want to make my own coffee. I love Starbucks. It’s not realistic to cut it out of our budget so we make a reasonable amount and stick to it. When it’s gone, it’s gone.

3) When you fail, try again. Some months, we have utterly failed at our food our household budget. We eat out too much, or things crowd our schedule, making it hard to cook and bring lunches to work. It happens. Work with it. Get back on track and work harder.

4) Wait for deals. Use coupons. We wanted to book a flight for an upcoming vacation, but flights were absurd. We held out and today, we got TWO round trip tickets for the price of ONE! I also watch for special sales that I can combine coupons with. If you read the fine print, and it doesn’t say you can’t combine, then you can grab some amazing deals. Here’s some of the deals I’ve used recently:

-KFC: Meal deal was 14.99, I found a 10 dollar off coupon online, printed it off, and got an 8 piece meal for 4.99.

-Victoria’s Secret: I had a gift card for 25.00, used 2 VS rewards cards for 10 each and got sweatpants, two tops, and a tanktop for 5.00.

-Kohls: Kohl’s CASH is awesome. I saved up a bunch and found some 50.00 wedges for half off, which made them 25.00. With 20.00 of cash the cost was 5.00!

-Found a 40 percent Nike coupon online. Used it at Lady Foot Locker and was able to combine it with some clearance Nike wear and snagged a 50 dollar ensemble for 10.00!

-Walgreens and Target: I use manufacturer’s coupons to get some great deals on sale items like men’s razors for husband, pasta, tampons, lightbulbs, and toothpaste. I used an 8.00 off coupon for a men’s razor that was 9.99. It went on sale for 8.00 and it was FREE.

5) Change your standards: Learn that you can live somewhere that maybe isn't your "dream house", because it's financially responsible. We live in a teensy-weensy apartment that is dirt-cheap in costs. We save a TON, money thats being funneled to student loans, savings, and vacation. I love our home. I've made it really cute, cozy, and a place we love to come home to. Is it our "dream house"? No. It's clean, safe, and it's where we are at for now. We are moving to a larger place in November, but for now, its perfect. You may envision your mansion, or it may be a pride issue, but when you get down to it, a "dream house" when you're just starting out means you are racking up debt or spending more than you're saving. Let go of the dream, make your home a happy and healthy place to be, and enjoy the savings and the financial freedom. Also, don't play the martyr. If you are around your friends and family and all you can talk about is how "poor" you are, or how you can't go here or there because of finances, your likeability will plummet as fast as your bank balance. Make a budget, and learn to live happily within your means without depressing everyone around you.

6) Give generously: The best part of having a budget and sticking to it is that you can give generously, without being stressed and without getting yourself in trouble/debt. I’m able to take a short trip next week and pay for gas/gifts for my friend who is getting married. Make giving to other a priority and you will find yourself in better financial shape than ever.

Don't Miss This Moment

2011-06-13T10:20:00.000-07:00

I sincerely thought my niece just turned 7.

I have been telling everyone glowing stories about my amazing "seven year old" niece. Turns out...she turned eight in March. How did that even happen? She is learning violin now. And reading. And she got her ears pierced and she is gorgeous just like her mama. I look at her and can't believe she is already so grown-up. She lives about 5 hours away, so I don't get to see her as often as I'd like, but I love spending time with her. Today, we are going on a "date". She wants to go to the mall and use a coupon for Claire's (which is every newly-ear-pierced 8 year old's dream), and I took a half day at work to spend the day with her. I look at her and my precious nephew Benjamin, who is battling a severe form of epilepsy every day, and my 2 year old chubby-cheeked nephew Beckham and I just want to freeze time. Beckham went around giving us all goodnight kisses the other night, and I wanted to just stop time. I don't want to miss these moments. Beck got around to everyone except his new Uncle Drew and looked at his mama and said "And Dwew?" and then went around to give him a goodnight kiss too. I melted. These are precious moments.

"bloom where you're planted"

2011-06-08T14:09:00.001-07:00

all of our nursing graduating class has pretty much hit the panic button. when the hospitals announced they were taking very few of us new grads, i think everyone panicked. we figured jobs would be a shoe-in...the easy part. we were wrong. i think we're all scared that we just went to school for nothing, racked up tons of debt, and now will be fighting to get out of it for the next ten years. it scares me too. i am going to be about 30k in student loans (an amount, which amazingly, is pennies compared to some of my classmates, who are in 75-150k!), which is not awful for a program that costs approximately 20k a year. it's not a fun feeling. my husband is very calm and has formulated a brilliant plan that involves us getting OUT of debt in about three years. (i might add, my plan was really good too. except it involved new dresses and going to the carribean, so he won. but it still sounded pretty fun.) i've had to step back and stop worrying. it's not as if God was watching and suddenly went, "OHHH dear, i had no clue THAT was going to happen!" He knows. i'll get a job. it's just a phase. a weird, uncomfortable phase, but one that is teaching me more and more trust.

this whole year has been a phase. adjusting to marriage, finishing school, plenty of crazy life changes that have pushed me and grown me. i'm really thankful. i look back over my "single" college years, when i was free to go out and spend my money on eating out and margaritas with the girls, and staying up too late. it was a phase too. and yesterday when i was out with the girls (sans margaritas!), around 5pm, i just wanted to go home. i miss my husband when i'm not with him. this is a new phase, and i wouldn't trade my "single life" for a moment of it. this is a new phase, a beautiful, crazy, wonderful phase of life. It involves laundry and grocery shopping and budgets and date nights. I've heard girls say they didn't know how to adjust to marriage because they missed their free time. They lost their "identity". I say, either they didn't have a very good start to begin with, or they had a husband who didn't really care. It's sad when women don't know how to thrive in marriage, and sad when husbands don't know how to help them grow within in. it's not stifling. it's freeing. I've been really blessed with a husband who inspires me to do well in my company, my schoolwork, my hobbies. I've traded glamour magazines and margaritas in for dishes and 9pm bedtime and 5 day workweeks. and God is so good. Marriage is great. Life is peaceful and messy. God is still good, still sovereign over all of it!

Lady Gaga and All Her Little Monsters

2011-06-06T11:03:00.000-07:00

Let it be known that I don't condone Lady Gaga. I've danced to her music and I listen to her first album while at the gym, but I definitely don't think her recent inappropriate outfits and very sexualized music are appropriate for anyone to listen to. I would never let my children listen to any song other than "Just Dance", and I change the channel when her barely-there outfits are plastered all over our television set.

But I watched a recent interview with her on Good Morning America, and I was sort of blown away. Not by her music, because it's highly sexual overtones were definitely over the line for family viewing, but by her interview. I think it was her eyes. I have never seen such sad eyes on someone. For being someone who supports people's opinions that they were "born this way", she sure doesn't seem very happy in her own skin. Recent allegations of a facial restructuring also make me think she is really not that happy with the girl under all the crazy outfits. She is a very pretty lady, from what I could see at the beginning of her career, and it's a little sad that she is trying to push the boundaries so much. The second thing that hit me was the crowd. GMA said it was the "largest crowd" their summer concert series (which has seen the likes of Brad Paisley and Keith Urban) they have ever seen. In history. And a crowd it was...stretching all the way to Times Square allegedly, and sweeping all the way through the streets. And I watched the cameras pan all through the crowd, full of teens and adults and even children dressed in gay pride tee shirts and pro-homosexual gear...people cheering and clinging to what she was offering them. They looked at her like she was a god. Broken, hurting people reaching out for something. Anything.

And I felt suddenly, sickeningly, guilty.

Millions of hurting people are clinging to Lady Gaga because she is filling a void. She, as twisted and volatile as her theology may be, has connected with these hurting teens and adults and people who don't fit in anywhere. People I don't hang out with. People who rarely even cross my mind.

Jesus would have hung out with these people.

He would have offered them, not a flimsy, sexual replacement for Hope, but the real thing.

I don't believe in Lady Gaga, but the fact is, millions of people believe in her message of hope, because the church, myself included, haven't offered them the actual thing. It's convicting and painful and true.

I hope Lady Gaga finds a truth she can truly cling to, one that will fill the void in her eyes and the bigger one in her heart. I truly hope she can find the person she wants to be and make a difference in the lives of the people who follow her. But moreover, I hope I can be part of the change that fills that void in the lives of people around me...with Jesus. WIth real Hope, a true future. Starting with our neighbor. Bob (not his real name), a broken and sad man who lives across the street from us...who is looking for something he hasn't found yet at a church where he says "east meets west in the teaching of Buddha and Jesus", but is genuinely being cared for by the people at that church. I haven't stepped up to care for him. I need to. I need to bring him dinner and my husband and I need to continue to show kindness to him for no reason.

So Lady Gaga, this post is for you. You may not understand what you're looking for, but I hope you find Him soon.

THIS girl...

2011-05-24T11:11:00.000-07:00

...is officially done with nursing school!

Those words felt like they would never come from my mouth. The past five years have stretched me and grown me, often in very difficult and painful ways, and I cannot wait to move on with my life! I'm thankful for nursing school, because I grew up while I was in the program. I became a more compassionate, mature, professional person. I became a nurse. I'm grateful for my parents who never stopped believing I could make it, and my family and my husband who never let me quit. And to my teachers who found a nurse somewhere inside that terrified 19-year-old who started the program in 2007. Mostly to the Lord who got me through sleepless nights, patients dying, crying myself to sleep, endless exams, and Who is responsible for all my success.

1 Kings 8:56
Praise be to the LORD, who has given rest to his people Israel just as he promised! Not one word has failed of all the good promises he gave through his servant Moses.

Why I'm thankful I didn't get my perfect job.

2011-04-18T08:55:00.000-07:00

This past week, I was definitely crushed to find out that the position I had been promised, had been told I would be the forerunner for, and for which I have been working extremely hard for, was not going to be filled because of budget cuts. I barely held back tears as I left the hiring office. This position was supposed to be a "shoe-in"...easy...well-paying...perfect. In an instant, it was gone.

To be honest, as I was wrapping up last week's clinical week, I felt pretty purpose-less. All the effort I had been directing to this job seemed very non-consequential now. I was pretty frustrated with the unit, with myself for letting myself get my hopes up before I signed the papers, and with the Lord for what I perceived as "taking away" what I wanted. (I am sure the Lord was less than thrilled with my temper tantrum).

So this Sunday, when my pastor asked for volunteers in our church's disability ministry, I must confess my initial thoughts were less than holy. "I'm a nurse", I thought, "I should be working in a high stress surgical unit, not volunteering at the church". (I know, I was definitely less-than-thrilled with my own heart's attitude).

And of course, the Lord pretty much smacked me upside the head and nudged my heart to open up to the idea that He is going to use me here. And that maybe, that perfect job was taken away in order to allow me more time to work with the precious little ones at my church. Precious kids like my own niece who has severe autism, and my nephew who has severe epilepsy.

How humbled I was.

How good the Lord is to move us towards where we need to be.

Even if it means my "perfect" job wasn't so perfect after all.

So here goes...this new venture, of other's centered-ness. Of loving where I am. Of deciding that volunteering just may change my heart more than that ideal job. Of offering my schedule up to being open to serve.

What no one tells you about nursing school...

2011-04-14T14:01:00.001-07:00

They tell you it's going to be hard...

They tell you patients will die and patients will live and you will walk through both daily...

They tell you that you will have nights that you will cry for hours...

They tell you that there will be days so full of joy and hope...

And the feeling of accomplishment you have is overwhelming...

But they don't tell you...
No one tells you that the last term is emotional. bittersweet. stressful. fulfilling. exhausting. No one tells you that the people who have walked beside you for four years will become like your family. you cant imagine your life without all of them. No one tells you how exhausted working back to back long shifts will make you. No one tells you how stressful it is to get everything done to graduate. No one tells you how emotional everything becomes. i'm so happy to be done, but graduation hit me today, and i realized how much nursing school has shaped me into who i am. No one tells you that it will make you compassionate, that you will understand the people around you more and more. No one tells you how it feels to find out your patient died. No one tells you what it's like to have to tell a patient's family that something went wrong. No one prepares you.

No one will tell you that you'll meet the impoverished.

The broken.

The amazing.

The uncomfortable.

The forgotten.

it's been all consuming for almost five years. it's a lot of mixed emotions. i'm happy but also sad, and exhausted all at once. No one tells you that.

We've finally almost made it.

those girls.

2011-04-07T15:27:00.000-07:00

my husband and i can't help but snicker a little bit when my grandma watches jeopardy. we watch it too, but she always comments on the weight of the contestants. it's funny, because of the tone she uses and her totally indignant comments, but it's sobering too.

because i do it too.

you know those girls, right? the ones you see in wal mart or downtown. girls overweight, with heavy eyeliner, wearing less-than-modest clothes. they don't dress in style, they probably never finished high school...we think all these things. they are the

teen mom.

the girl who sleeps around.

the one who does drugs.

and i know i have made those comments too. i have sat in starbucks, sipping five dollar coffee, wearing designer jeans, holding my coach bag... and making snide comments about the girls who clearly have no concept of fashion or style. i cringe just writing it. but i do.

maybe their sin is evident. maybe they slept around in high school and that's why they are toting around a toddler or two. maybe they did drugs and that's why they're missing some teeth. maybe they are promiscuous, and that's why they show so much skin.

and i am no better.

just because we, as a society have become quite good at covering up our "white collar sins"...sins like gossip, slander, lies...it doesn't mean they are not there. and i may be well dressed and have my hair done and have a good job or wear expensive shoes..but it doesn't matter if my heart is still sinful.

moreover....those girls? the ones we are so quick to judge?

i see some of them in the hospital and their stories are not as they seem.

it's a shattered heart behind eyeliner.

it's an eating disorder behind twenty extra pounds.

it's a date rape victim behind the missing teeth.

a struggling single mother behind the two toddlers.

and it may be a homeless teen behind the "unstylish" clothes.

humbled?

me too.

i am each and every day that i meet these girls in the hospital. every shift is a parade of patients, each one, i am certain, sent from the Lord to smack me over the head with humility. these girls have the whole world pointing fingers and whispering about them. they already don't feel loved, whole, or beautiful. and the last thing they need is me adding to the noise.

with a little help from my friends

2011-04-07T12:10:00.000-07:00

it's about time to introduce you to some of my blogging friends and their incredible journeys. i am so thankful to know such amazing people!

Addi is one of my dearest, most inspiring friends. She is on a journey of recovery from an eating disorder, and she shares her eloquent and inspirational thoughts on her blog, along with fun pictures and her impeccable fashion sense. I met Addi a few years ago, and am so thankful the Lord has given me such an amazing friend. We have been through a lot together!

Kelly is currently fighting NF, and is blogging about her fight against tumors. Kell is such a beautiful and strong person, and she always inspires me to have a better attitude and find joy in the small things.

Malerie is the wife of one of Drew's close friends, Kevin, and she is truly a Godly woman and a dear friend. They are journeying down the road of adoption and Drew and I could not be more happy for them! You can read their story at her blog, and also help them raise the funds to bring their little one home.

a brand new season

2011-03-24T08:26:00.000-07:00

I am sure a lot of people cannot imagine why i would be thankful for my recent eye surgery, but i am. i firmly believe that God brings the good and bad into our lives for His glory and to shape us into a people confident in his goodness. was it terrifying? yes. was it inconvenient? yes. but just a few days after the surgery, i was able to see already that God had carefully shaped and created this time of purpose for me.

He has brought me into a brand new season of being. being on bedrest for weeks meant

i couldn't go.

i couldnt do.

i couldnt accomplish.

i had to depend on my husband to clean and cook and dress me and help me in and out of bed. i had to depend on my family and friends to go anywhere. i had to work in short bursts of time while my eye cooperated. i couldnt even read. i could watch tv with one eye on my iPhone for about thirty minutes at a time. you might say, for someone as busy as i am, this was torture. i would say

for someone as achievement driven as me, this was torture.

i was forced to find fulfillment in other things that what i was doing. ouch. and so, God chipped away at the things i was holding onto, at me being a perfect housekeeper, a perfect employee, a perfect manager, a perfect wife. and He said rest. and He said I am sufficient. and so i did.

and i began to see how overloaded i was making myself. i have not had a single asthma or heart fibrillation since my surgery. i have quit my day job. i have watched God provide a way for me to work from home with my company so its easier on my health. i have watched Him provide financially so my company is bringing in twice as much as my day job. i began taking Fridays off, and doing something with my girlfriends, just because. my best friend called me and after i took an hour to listen to her, said "thanks for just listening. thanks for taking the time to bless me with that". time. i never had it before. i have time to cook, time to grocery shop, time to iron my husband's shirts. i almost started crying while i was ironing for him, because i have never made time to do that before. i run three times a week, but i put on the five pounds that my doctor wanted me to, for my low blood pressure. i feel healthy. i feel happy. a few friends have commented on how peaceful i seem, how much more joyful. and i know it's true. i smile more. i read my bible daily because i make time for it. i feel joy when i run. in my book club, we were discussing inner beauty, and how it flows from a woman who is confident in God, and who is peaceful and restful.

i don't think the word "restful" has ever been used in conjunction with me before, but i want to be that woman.

at rest.

confident in a good, gracious and beautiful Savior.

at peace.

joyful.

to japan with love.

2011-03-17T21:49:00.001-07:00

the burnout.

2011-03-16T21:43:00.000-07:00

it's no secret that nursing school is a world all it's own. its stress and workload ensure that any semblance of a social life, relationships, or community are shattered. it's a cruel awakening the first year. i remember dissolving into tears many, many nights, sure that i would either perish or fail out of the program. while other friends were in college, i felt that i was immersed in a whole different dimension. my first year, i was in the hospital twice, once for two week long pneumonia. the second year, hospitalized for my heart and asthma complications, and for a bizarre eye mass. this year? tore my ACL and broke my meniscus, then my right eye went blind and i had emergency surgery. to say i set the record for most hospital visits in nursing school would be an understatement.

i founded my own company in 2009, and before i knew it, it was actually generating income. i found my love of writing and organization was complete in being a manager and publicist. but i was still in nursing school, and i couldn't do it all. i found myself really discouraged that i had already gotten so far in school, and had found a whole different career. i didn't want to choose, but juggling everything was becoming crippling. this past term, i was finding my rhythm, becoming a strong nurse, but still having trouble finding real joy in being a nurse. i felt guilty that i had taken out student loans and deep down, dreaded my shift each day. all i wanted to do is work from home and just be done with all of the late nights and early mornings and migraines and aching feet. that is, until my right eye went blind, and i was watching everything slip away in an instant.

my surgery gave me a new joy in what i am doing. my company is doing well, and is allowing me to quit my day job and be fully self-employed. it's freeing and will allow me to be home two days a week, working from home! i am eager to get back to the hospital. i can't wait to see the patients, to be with my fellow nurses. i found myself missing it. and i know that was the Lord confirming that i am where i need to be. He has granted me joy in spite of everything. i'm so thankful.

God never leaves us vacant.

(In)Courage Guest Blogger

2011-03-15T14:29:00.000-07:00

I'm very happy to announce I will be guest posting on (In)Courage! Date to be announced, but I'm so honored to be a part of this amazing community of women and their stories.

a look back at fistula.

2011-03-10T14:07:00.001-08:00

When small girls are thrust into poverty, often things get so ugly, that they are sold to husbands who are much older by parents who have reached desperation. For some, their parents never wanted them, so they grasp for the last shred of hope they have: an arranged marriage to what looks like a prosperous man. What it turns into is a glamourized type of child abuse, where ten and twelve year old children suffer sexual abuse at the hands of men who have multiple wives, concubines, and partners. These precious girls are exposed to diseases, but more importantly, often become pregnant as young as ten or eleven. Since their bodies are not ready for childbirth, these girls endure horrific obstructive labor, where the baby often dies. What the little girls are left with is a obstetric condition called a fistula, where they are unable to prevent incontinence. They become the unwanted. The outcasts. The untouchable. Imagine it.

Across the world, there are ten and twelve year old girls huddled on dirty sidewalks. Sleeping in their own urine. Left to die an outcast, with no children, shunned by the 'husband' who proferred them such wealth and prosperity.

In Ethiopia, there are 100,000 women and little girls suffering from fistulas. There are 2 million women in the world suffering from fistulas right now. And all this is fixable. There is a hospital in Ethiopia who offers these women a simple medical procedure that will give them back their lives. Do you know how much it costs to give a ten year old her life back?

$450.00.

I was blown away. I want to be a nurse, and potentially a doctor someday. I have been enthralled by the new show Hopkins on ABC, where medical students work through the highs and lows of residency for the audience of America. And I realized how quickly our priorities can go awry. I want to be a doctor. Why? Is it the glamour? Is it because I want to help people? I heard a message from Louie Giglio recently where he asks "Have you had an encounter with Jesus? Have you REALLY?" I realized we can say all the right things...I can stream podcasts, I can read through my bible in a year. I can go to church three times a week and raise my hands in worship. But has God moved me? Has He shaken me to my core? I think that maybe He is working on it. Because when I read the stories of these girls in Ethiopia, girls who I might have been friends with when I was ten...I got uncomfortable. I got restless. I realized that if I become a doctor, I would HAVE to go to help those girls. I would have no option. That's how moved I was. My friend Daley Hake recently posted a blog about how we "are not what we do". He, a brilliant photographer, explained how he prays to be 'more than a brand', that he wants to be remembered for MORE. I want to be a nurse/doctor. But I want God to move me deep within. I want to sense His presence in the eyes of those girls as they get their lives back. I want God to overflow from me at my work. I want everything I do to be filtered through the realization that God is big enough. That I am not what I do. But that what I do must be overflowing from an Encounter with a Saviour.

So I will watch.

I will wait.

I will let God move me.

And as I sleep tonight, I will remember that across the ocean, a little girl in Ethiopia sleeps too, waiting for an encounter with her Saviour too.

Watching for God. Maybe He's closer than I think.

"God is in the slums, in the cardboard boxes where the poor play house.
God is in the silence of a mother who has infected her child with a virus that will end both their lives.
God is in the cries heard under the rubble of war.
God is in the debris of wasted opprotunity and lives

and God is with us if we are with them."
-Bono

Marriage is about saying I Don't...

2011-03-03T10:46:00.000-08:00

I said "I do" to my handsome and thoughtful groom almost three months ago. feels much longer. he is truly my best friend. we stay up way too late talking and laughing lately, which makes getting up for work quite the episode. we have recently walked through a rough few weeks with my surgery, but he has remained calm and collected, and has never left my side, vigilantly giving me eyedrops every hour and even getting me a pirate bear to match me, and bedazzling my ugly eye dr glasses. he is truly a giving kind of guy...always looking out for me and helping me with stuff around the house so i dont over exert my eye.

i have learned that marriage isn't about saying i do as much as it is saying "i dont". its dying to self. i am learning to say that...

i don't need to be right all the time. most of the time, i'm not, and it's not worth fighting just to make myself feel more important and correct.

i don't need to assume my schedule in nursing school, as hectic as it is, is more important than his.

i don't need to store up ammunition for arguments so i can fling them at appropriate times for leverage.

i don't get to whine and complain about the budget that keeps us on track for student loans, because in truth, my husband "gets" the money aspect more than me.

i don't get to be selfish in marriage. it's the fastest way to kill a relationship.

i said "i do" on our wedding day, but i i really learn to say "i don't" every day.

"I have been crucified with Christ; and it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself up for me" Gal 2:20

just being.

2011-02-16T13:18:00.001-08:00

rarely do i take a moment to just "be". i come home tired after clinical or class, and make dinner and watch tv and go to bed. i lack energy to do much more, but i love time to just be quiet. still. listen.

i have been so encouraged by ann voskamp's new book called a thousand gifts, it's a beautiful and encouraging reminder to be still and thankful multiple times through the day. you can buy it here. i won a free copy of it from my friends at zondervan, but it's available in most booksellers. besides the incredibly moving message, her writing is unmatched.

she talked about the word Eucharistia, which we use when taking communion, or the Eucharist. The root words of it, informally mean thankfulness and joy. we are to take "eucharistia" more than just on sabbath mornings, but all the time. every day. every moment. she made a list, after several grief-inducing moments in her life, of a thousand gifts she was thankful for. amid depression, troubles and problems, she came up with well over a thousand quickly. just by being still.

i was so encouraged by her simple admonition to remember often the gifts the Lord sets before us, and to do this daily. thankfulness. joy. grateful. eucharistia.

my list starts like this: 1. a warm cup of coffee. 2. an hour to myself at Starbucks. 3. the engagement of one of my best friends. 4. the joy of seeing my patient smile. 5. a successful iv start, 6. a sweet text from a friend. 7. the smell of my valentines roses....

joy. peace. eucharistia.

my forever valentine

2011-02-14T12:48:00.000-08:00

To my Sweetheart: i love you with all my heart. i'm yours forever.

"i have found the one my soul loves!" songs 3:4

"diamond ring and twelve red roses, everything she ever wanted, all those dreams and now they're coming true. she's so young and he's so perfect, waited for love and it was worth it, she wants to feel like this for a hundred years. all this life still yet to live and they can hardly wait...she wants to make it last for a hundred more years".

The Great Closet Purge

2011-02-11T14:22:00.000-08:00

That's right friends....i'm going in (eek!). My tiny closet in our house is overflowing. In an effort to streamline and "practical-ize" my wardrobe, here's what I'm going to do:

1) PURGE! Yep. If i havent ever worn it, won't ever wear it, or it needs heavy alterations, its adios. Unfortunately, I have purchased literally dozens of dresses that don't fit, and then i hang them up in high hopes, only to find them five months later.

2) ASSESS: What do I still need to tie my wardrobe together? A few things would be:

-a straight leg pair of tweed/ khaki trousers, high waisted, and slim fit.

-A better black pencil skirt, that fits correctly high waisted.

-regular slim leg jeans from Citizens of Humanity *the best jean EVER for petites!

-suede wedges, black flats

-flowy white blouse that can be tucked in

-belts!

3) SELL! i give my clothes to three different consignment shops and so far have been really successful in selling them. it gives me extra money for the above items i ACTUALLY need and not more random items.

So here goes...we will see how this ends ;-)

blogs that inspire my creativity

2011-02-11T08:42:00.000-08:00

These days, the time i have to be creative is limited. I wish i could create dresses and sew and paint and craft all day long, but my time just doesn't allow. however, that doesn't mean i can't be inspired by other people's crafting!

here are some of the blogs that i LOVE:

Finding my Feet: Raechel Myer's beautiful story of her Evie Grace drew me to the blog, and i kept up after that because of her sweet photos, wonderful sense of color, and fun baby ideas (for future :)

Adventures in Dressmaking: This fun blog always inspires me to tear up old clothes and recycle them into wearable, cute dresses. Although i don't share some of her style (her body type is different than mine, which is why she wisely chooses shapes that would look terrible on me), her ideas for ruffles and etc are fabulous

Grograin Fabulous: Oh wow. this gal just blows me away! she makes up goodwill dresses into gorgeous, drool-worthy creations that i would just love to wear. her color sense is amazing as well, and she is always combining great combinations like orange and navy and turquoise and red. lovely. She is giving away a dress today too!

A letter to my mom

2011-02-10T19:38:00.000-08:00

Dear Mom,

Thank you for being you. For all those years I never said thank you, I am saying it now. I have watched myself become a new wife, and have noticed how much of my efforts are because of you.

I have found joy in cooking dinner, because I remember always coming home to a warm meal when I was growing up. I remember sitting down as a family almost every night to something home-made. I make your casseroles and recipes because they are comfort food now.

I still love to sew, which I credit to you, since I was not the one who seam-ripped me through 4-H! I can sew on a button, hem pants, and attach ruffles to just about anything because you taught me how. You taught me and the girls the art of being a homemaker. Ironing, laundry, sewing, cooking.

I am excited to be a mom because you were such a good one. You taught us faithfully, prayed for us daily, and never let us go. Thank you for instilling in me a love for the arts. For reading, writing, and piano. For listening to me cry over math problems, and assuring me that, yes indeed, I needed to finish Saxon math to graduate J Thanks for forcing me to study anatomy and helping quiz me into nursing school.

I am, I hope, a good wife because I watched you be such a good one. Rarely did I ever see you complain to dad, or argue in front of us. You are so faithful to him, and dad adores you. It’s easy to see why. You are a top notch teacher, cook, grandma, mom, and wife. Truly a Proverbs 31 woman.

I am who I am today because you were the mom that you were, and still are. I am the nurse I am today because you taught me to be unselfish. I am the friend I am today because you taught me to not leave others out and to always honor commitments. I am the writer I am today because you taught me never to give up on something I wanted. I am the wife I am today because you taught me how to love and honor my husband. I will be the mom I will be someday because you were so faithful.

Thank you mom.

-Love, Grace

i have the best...

2011-02-07T09:45:00.000-08:00

my husband is the sweetest, most wonderful guy in the whole entire world. he wakes up early every day, either for men's group discipleship or to take me to work, and NEVER complains. here's to you, husband. i love you with all my heart.

Suede boots

2011-02-07T09:41:00.000-08:00

I REALLY love my new Enzo Angiolini Suede Boots! My bestie Liz and I got matching ones at Macy's in Portland and I must say...I almost squealed when I saw them! They are perfect for all my ruffly dresses. Today, I am rocking them with a ruffled dress (Mossimo for Target), a wool military jacket (Mac and Jac for Papillon Rouge) and black tights. If you see me in the boots constantly, well...don't judge :)

spring transition pieces...

2011-02-04T08:32:00.001-08:00

with my recent shopping spree, i decided to highlight my favorite buys. i am deciding to a) never shop at forever21 again, because the clothes fall apart every time, and b) to buy more simple, good quality, mix and match pieces instead of impractical random items that don't go with anything.

here's what i ended up with:

surplus anorak by American Eagle. a good transition piece for Spring all the way to Fall.

Planning on layering over the pink cami below and skinny jeans and boots.

Floral tiered cami in chiffon by American Eagle

Nice to Meet You top by Modcloth. Love the back of this!

Valentines Day Inspirations

2011-02-02T09:28:00.000-08:00

unexpected blessings

2011-02-01T21:38:00.000-08:00

So at work today, a gal left a ton of free clothes that she had from her mom, I believe. They were all really dated, but I found a dress that I am going to transform...y' all should be super excited, because well...it's kinda hideous. I mean we are talking shoulder pad hideous, friends. but there are some great structured seams in it, and some beautiful vintage buttons! I'm envisioning a nautical summer dress...i'm ridiculously excited about my free find. i'm gonna post a pic on an evening when I didn't just work ten hours solid, okay? Promise! its going to be awesome. i need y'all to hold me to this, since last time i got really excited, i spent thirty bucks on fabric for my auburn championship dress. where is it, you ask? in a box.

as in, fabric in a box, complete with a zipper and matching hair ribbons (sad, i know...)

so i'm really gonna do it this time, inspired by mrs zigenis who is doing clothing challenges left and right (the girl is wearing the same pieces, shoes included, for 30 days. brave girl.) the dress is gonna rock your socks off!

in other really neat news, please buy the album pictured above from my friend Fran...she is fabulous. plus, the cover is just really cute. so buy it. i promise you will love it. and if you don't believe me, my review is coming out in CCM soon, so you can read it there :)

don't forget to look for jesus in everything today. i found Him today, and yesterday, in the funniest little and big ways. yesterday, i won a free book from Zondervan! and i got a much bigger paycheck than i anticipated. i snagged this juicy couture watch for a penny at a thrift store! it was brand new in the BOX!

i was blessed by extra sleep, some coffee, extra time with my husband, dinner when i got home, time to clean my house, a good grade on a paper. i was also humbled by my patients today...broken people who need a big God. I think Jesus shows up and blesses my socks off sometimes to remind me that i need to represent Him better. He is a big, glorious, wrathful, gracious God who chooses to bless little ol' me. That should move me to a confident joy that should overflow to everyone.

that's my thought for today.

.mrs aspinwall.

modcloth love

2011-02-01T19:49:00.000-08:00

used another giftcard (i literally have wayyyy too many...i went a little overboard on rehearsal dinner dresses in the Fall for our wedding, and therefore was too late to return the ones that didn't fit. hence, the many many giftcards i have.)

here's one of my scores from modcloth!

blueberry muffins and burnt dinners

2011-01-31T08:22:00.001-08:00

If you ask my husband, he probably won't agree just to be nice, but I am a terrible baker. I can manage to burn things that are in the oven for mere seconds. I promise. Cookies, bread, muffins, casseroles, (although I am getting better at these), rolls, cake. The list could go on...

I have realized lately that it's not about the burnt dinners, or in the case of this morning, burnt muffins. It's about making the time to do this anyways. See, my husband and I? We stay really busy during the week...between nursing school, my work at the University, managing artists, and my husband's job, we usually leave the house around 6 and get home around the same time. It's really hard to want to cook or clean the house when I am exhausted and facing homework and a full inbox. I had a good cry about this the other day, since as every nursing student knows, you need a good cry about every 3 weeks. It's how you survive. Anyways, I had a good sized pity party where I lamented being a failure to my patient husband. Between gulping sobs, I explained how I felt like I was slacking as a student, where my grades were steady B's, at work, where I sleepily move through my day, and as a manager, whom my artists had to work around my hectic schedule. And lastly, I bawled, as a wife. Husband, though sympathetic, doesn't let me wallow. It's one of his best traits. I am a DRAMA QUEEN, and I know it! He listened patiently, and then pointed out that I am not failing, I am just managing my time poorly. That is DEFINITELY not what i wanted to hear, but it was right on.
I DO have time to cook and clean, it just means I need to prioritize my family.

The Lord calls married women to be homemakers, plain and simple. To honor our husbands with the gifts that He has given us that our dear husbands, no matter how wonderful they are, simply are not given. if we are married, we are called to serve this way and find joy in being a wife.

Not fashionistas, perfect bakers, daily bloggers, or career women, (though those things can have their rightful place), but FIRSTLY homemakers.

I know there are those girls who blog daily and always have a perfect house, and manage to squeeze in social time, and still stay right on their household budget. They aren't me, friends.

On the other hand, some women take this to the OTHER extreme, and look with disdain on women who do have careers or who are getting their higher education. I think that too is unGodly. I know God has distinctly called me to do the things i am doing, and I do them well to serve Him. It's sad that people believe you have to be one or the other.

After reading sweet Kelly Needham's blog (Kelly is the wife of recording artist Jimmy Needham, and new mommy to Lively!), I was challenged to be a better wife. Kelly talked about her recent struggle with avoiding the tasks of her home. She, like me, made sure she had load of excuses to avoid housework, regular cooking, and various household tasks because she was so busy. At the brink of exhaustion, like me, she talked about how she felt like because she worked full time, she "deserved" to leave those other tasks undone because she was so tired. And since her husband was away much of the time, it meant she could slack off even more. She was convicted about her time outside her home as well. I find myself making these excuses: "Well, our house is so small!", and "we are tightly on a budget this month", "Well, we don't have kids yet" and "I'm so tired". Since we've been married, I am home a lot. partly because I am exhausted, and mostly because I enjoy being with my husband. BUT, I do have a terrible habit of working while at home. Email, homework, misc articles...they all find ways to consume me while I'm on the couch. Just because I work full time and go to school, doesn't mean my sweet husband doesn't need a clean house, an organized budget, and a little effort on my part to stop napping in sweatpants at the end of the day. I know I feel better when i put a little makeup on, do my hair, and put actual clothing on, and i know he appreciates it too. Even when the muffins are burnt, and dinner is a few minutes later, I can make the move to be more home-centered.

It's going to take a lot more effort, but I know i can definitely improve my poor attitude when it comes to cultivating my household. How about you?

etsy treasures and becoming an accessorizer!

2011-01-28T10:49:00.000-08:00

i have just a few pieces of jewelry that i actually wear. i have a closet bursting with clothes (literally BURSTING), and barely any jewelry. I wear a little bit. let me walk you through my jewelry drawer (a short trip, friends. really.)

exhibit a: my three stone pendant. i LOVE this pendant. it is a 1/4 carat total weight, three pear shaped diamonds in ascending size. its perfect. tiny and dainty. husband got it for christmas 2009, and i rarely took it off for months! this picture isnt very good, and isnt MY pendant, but its the best i can do.

exhibit b: my Juicy Couture "Princess Collection 2010" studs. These are gigantic cubic studs set in silver crown settings! They are perfect because they go with everything and I can still wear them at the hospital when i am at work.

exhibit c: my pearls. my parents got me these for my 21st birthday, and i love them! they are timeless, and i wear them often. I have the matching studs, necklace, and bracelet. good job mom ;)

exhibit d: my wedding rings! not gonna lie, sometimes while i am driving, i look at my wedding ring and almost run off the road. it gets extra sparkly in the sun! ;0) Made by Marquerrites Jewelers in Montgomery, it is a carat solitaire, surrounded by eight baguettes and 36 tiny round diamonds. the band is 20 more tiny round diamonds, with a divet to match the large diamond. i love it! husband did a great job.

That is the end of my jewelry! I have a bunch of cheap dangly earrings that I never wear, and that about rounds it out. So, i have been trying to expand my collection with some interesting pieces. Here is the first:

This pretty tree necklace was something i snagged at our local resale shop, and i fell in love with the structure of it. so far, i have worn it three times, which is a record for something other than my "staple" jewelry!

The second addition to my new accessory collection is this:

This lovely earring and necklace set from Ruche is perfect. I love the bronze-gold tones and the subtle sparkle. I am trying to pair it with a simple white vee-neck, a black blazer, nude pumps, and dark jeans.

how to buy online dresses

2011-01-24T09:56:00.000-08:00

i love weekends! needless to say, after a week of work and school, there is NOTHING better than snuggling up to my husband and sleeping in until noon on saturdays. unfortunately, i am evidently unable to sleep in. i woke up at SIX FIFTEEN on saturday, ready to jump out of bed and wide awake. what a letdown. i forced myself to sleep in until .... EIGHT. yippee. i never thought it would happen...but i think work has made me a morning person. terrible i know.

husband and i lazed around most of saturday, prepping for this coming week and resting up after being a little under the weather all week. Sunday brought church, lunch with new friends, and i spent the latter half of the day shopping with addi. this week brings a packed work week, but im excited that we will be headed up to Portland on the 4th of February, to see my bestie Liz and my sister Sarah. We will also be watching three of my favorite people in the whole wide world on Saturday night, so my sister can get a date with her hubby. I am happy my sis gets a date night, but actually am secretly just happy to snuggle with my niece and nephews ;-)

i ordered this cute blue dress the other day, finally using some of the gift cards I have had in my purse. i like the pretty ruffles and it's spring-blue color.

Some people have asked me where I get my clothes, so here are my top favorites:

MODCLOTH: This site, while spendy for dresses, has beautiful, longer length and vintage style dresses. I am currently drooling over this incredible french inspired piece:

ANTHROPOLOGIE: Ah...sweet anthropologie! These dresses are on the high end, but they are LOVELY and high quality. I am loving this songbird covered navy blue dress with its mint sash.

SHOPRUCHE: This site has pretty, romantic pieces, but is of much lesser quality of the other sites. It is on the lowest end of my favorite sites, but occasionally I can find a dress I like that is a great brand.

LULUS.com is my fallback. It has tons of pretty dresses, but beware the SHORT LENGTHS! I am 5'2" and I must purchase dresses at least 34" long from shoulder to hem. Anything shorter cannot be worn even with tights or leggings, because it pretty much resembles a shirt. I prefer around 35-36.5 inches which hits just above my knee.

Okay lots of my friends have asked how I can purchase dresses and know they will fit. Here are my KEYS TO BUYING ONLINE:

1) RESEARCH THE BRANDS. Sites have size charts but they carry different brands. This means their size chart is an average of their brands. If the site lists the brand, go to the BRAND WEBSITE and read the size chart. Often it will be much different. For example, on lulus.com, they sell many Tulle dresses. On the Tulle site, the size chart shows me I can't fit into any of them because they are too big. On the lulus.com site it makes it look like I can wear an XS.

2) KNOW YOUR ACTUAL SIZE. It doesnt matter if you are normally a 2, chances are you won't be one online. Take your measurements, and take them where they actually are! Your waist is NOT where you wear your pants. It is your natural waist, above your belly button. Your hip and bust measurements need to be taken at specific places, or you will always get the wrong size.

3)CHECK RETURN POLICIES. No matter how good you get at this, you will sometimes get a loser. A coat came to me the complete wrong size, and I had to send it back. Make sure its returnable.

4)KNOW WHAT WORKS. I know that I need dresses that taper in at the waist and have snug underarm fits. Anything with ruffles works for me, as well as high waisted belted dresses. I know that shirt dresses will always look funny, and they anything "loose" in the bodice will swallow me whole. Learn what works for you and stick with that.

our January!

2011-01-17T18:48:00.000-08:00

We are happily enjoying the last day before the craziness of the week insues...I started work at the hospital this week, and husband started his brand new job! its definitely been an adjustment from our somewhat lazy holiday break, where we slept in until noon and ate doughnuts in bed :) husband is working at the corporate offices of motorcycle superstore, and so far, he likes it a lot. we are happy and thankful to both be working again. im still working at SOU, two days a week, and working parttime for CCM Magazine. i love my work at CCM, and have found it to be a great fit as a staff contributor, and their Social Media Coordinator. I work as a primary artist manager for Dakota Green, who is successfully climbing the charts with his latest single. We are thrilled, and gearing up for his album release in February.

I love working at Prov, and enjoy pre/post op work. I admit each patient, put in an IV, give meds and prep for surgery, and then off they go to procedures like colonoscopy, abdominal surgery, or chole's. I love working in day surgery, where around 60 percent of my patients are ped's...i love children, so i'm a happy camper. its hard, exhausting, but really rewarding work. no matter how tired i am, i cant help but love what i do. my patients make it so incredibly worth it.

In fashion news, I have been drooling over this darling dress from lulus.com, with tiny foxes all over it. isn't it cute??

can't wait to order it.. <3

The Coach Bag

2011-01-10T11:36:00.001-08:00

As I sit here thinking about 24 hours working in the hospital this week, I can only think about being done with school in June and getting my graduation present...the black patent leather Coach satchel from the Coach store. I love working in the hospital, but working all week for free (actually, PAYING to work, is not the most fun thought...but the happy graduation IS!

scrubs. sigh.

2011-01-06T14:51:00.000-08:00

in completely random news, the new season of grey's anatomy starts tonight and i can barely contain my excitement.
i became a grey's fan after my roommate Liz showed it to me in the fall. Now i have watched every single season and episode and would gladly watch them all over again.

in somewhat related news, i start working at the hospital on friday. im partly ecstatic and partly ready to throw up in anxiety.
i did get some new scrubs, in pretty prints because i despise ill-fitting ones with angels on them that say "nurses are caring", or they have the fairies carrying stethoscopes. i am pretty sure my patients can get the general idea even if i am in cute scrubs. i have discovered the koi brand scrubs. they, although not exactly runway worthy, are fitted and well-made so they hang nicer on me than the terrible walmart ones. being petite does not lend itself to well fitting scrubs, and size "small" are NOT for actual size small women. I had to get mine is double zero and xxs, just to be able to wash and dry them. i guess most nurses are not my size. which leads me to my list of anxieties:
1) large patients. i have a terrible fear of being squashed by a patient. no lie. i weigh all of 98 pounds. i have no clue how i will left anyone up. maybe itll be like the movies, where you get a rush of adrenaline! yeah, let's go with that...

2)poop. i know nurses are supposed to be okay with this, but after a particularly traumatizing event with poop during a previous clinical rotation, i can feel myself gaq just thinking about it. throw up, i can handle. vomit on me all you want, i am not phased. blood, guts, intestines falling out, brains, hearts, anything. ANYTHING but poop. i hope i don't hurl on anyone this term.

3)missing some terribly obvious thing. i really don't want my patients to die. really. like, alot. and especially not because of something stupid i do. you have to be on your game 24/7, every minute, because people's lives are in your hands. talk about pressure.

"I can't think of a single reason why I should be a surgeon, but I can think of a thousand reasons why I should quit. They make it hard on purpose... there are lives in our hands. There comes a moment when it's more than just a game, and you either take that step forward or turn around and walk away. I could quit but here's the thing, I love the playing field."-grey's

2011-01-04T13:10:00.000-08:00

I am writing this while the newest member of our family sleeps...no, we didn't get a puppy and no, we aren't pregnant! Our newest "baby" is our new Apple iPad (sad, i know)...an anonymous giver gave it to us for our wedding, and we are SO thankful! It is going to help a ton with my work on the go and for school...I can actually chart vital signs into it, and the calendar feature is amazing. We are looking forward to loading up Word and Powerpoint as well so I can take notes directly into it! I am already loving the easy features and clean display.

The best part is, we have been wanting to save up for one for a long time but it hasnt been in the budget. I was going to get it as a graduation present, but having it now is incredible, because I get to use it for the last 6 mos of school! My husband prayed last night, "Thank you Jesus for the iPad, and for meeting our needs and also our desires". Isn't that so crazy...the Lord knew I really wanted this. It was a silly desire, a frivolous purchase, something I couldn't afford. I told only my best friend, my husband and my co-worker that I really really liked the iPad, and how much I was excited for May (graduation). and the Lord knew. I didn't make a huge deal out of it, knew we couldnt afford it, but the Lord went above and beyond. He has been so gracious to provide even with Drew out of work...with money coming from my company and odd writing jobs here and there. He has kept food on our table and our rent paid...all needs. and now, He fulfilled a silly desire as well.

God is good.

a blissful week

2010-12-18T19:03:00.000-08:00

i really need to get back into blogging; so this is my attempt at being better :)
we got a new devotional last week, called "when sinners say i do"...it is SO GOOD. pretty much a mark driscoll type of "kick you in the butt" marriage book. every day we read a chapter out loud and pray together. its been so great! tonight we are hanging out at starbucks because we don't have internet yet, then i get a night off cooking (though husband has been cooking too) cause we are getting pizza :) The Lord is definitely teaching us about trust. With Drew still looking for work for now, we have been cutting back financially in a lot of areas (cough cough..my online shopping!), and it's definitely been an adjustment. We are praying through our options, especially because i will be quitting my job most likely when i start work at Prov on Jan 3rd. We are learning a ton about trust, needless to say! :) God is so faithful to provide and we are headed off to LA next week to enjoy a fun honeymoon; a gift from our precious friends Wes, Chelle, Mal, and Kevin. We are so thankful. I've been missing our Bama family and friends lately, i hope we can make it out there to visit soon. That's all for now. Pics to come ;)

xoxox
mrs aspinwall

Mr and Mrs. Aspinwall

2010-12-15T11:59:00.000-08:00

We were married Dec 11! It was a beautiful fairy tale, with 250 people and all our family. We are so thankful!

We are settling into married life, in our cute little apartment, with our first christmas tree and loads of lovely wedding gifts.

We leave tuesday for DISNEYLAND and California Adventure, a gift from some precious friends.

We love being married!

Thankful

2010-11-25T16:17:00.000-08:00

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

We are thankful for our family, our friends, and our upcoming wedding!

Soli deo Gloria!

hello november.

2010-11-01T18:36:00.000-07:00

im sitting in psychology, trying desperately to avoid listening, because i really dislike this class. although i am barely trying, i am getting between 83 and 97 percent on every assignment, including the midterm, so clearly it requires little effort!

i am pouring myself into nursing school however, and am holding strong to an A , which hasnt happened in an few terms. No matter how tired I am, I somehow am managing to get an A on everything. miracles never cease.

it is almost christmastime. okay, not really. but i believe in skipping thanksgiving and going straight to christmas! :)
with 40 days to go until the wedding, definitely way too much to do, but its slowly getting done. the first round of invitations went out this last weekend, to our industry friends (it was a liiittle surreal addressing one to mac powell :) and the second round will go out this weekend. my wedding shower is sunday, and i cant wait to see all my wonderful friends. they are lovely!
sadly, i tried on my wedding dress and ahem...i gained some weight. not alot, but enough to make it...um...not close. yep. talk about a crisis! i have to eat salads for about a month. and hit the gym. hard. thanks to my mom, she can alter it a little so it fits better. no more halloween candy for me. i told you it was sad!

my photographer is amazing, and we are sooo happy we chose alisha! she is phenomenally talented and so sweet. my florist decided not to do my flowers this last weekend. although i was upset about this, we will justhave to find another one. sigh.oh well! it will all get done! because...well, it has to:)

drew is still looking for a job...unfortunatley the job market isnt great. a job opened up in montgomery, and it was hard to see that it would have been perfect. but cest la vie...we made the decision for him to move here and we know it was the right one. God will most definietly open the best one up, and we have to trust :)

Thats all for now. xoxo

october goodness!

2010-10-29T16:22:00.000-07:00

the month is almost over and i am trying to like fall. really. its taking a massive effort, but i'm trying. i just am a summer kind of girl...and if it werent for boots and pumpkins, i would just skip fall altogether! :)

here we go!

2010-10-22T10:08:00.001-07:00

FIFTY DAYS TO GO! we're counting down the days to our wedding! and it's coming way faster than i can handle...!
between school, my jobs, wedding stuff..things are getting pretty hectic. but its all good things...i picked up my wedding shoes yesterday! we meet with the pastor marrying us on saturday. can't believe its almost here!

wish list

2010-10-15T10:59:00.000-07:00

fellow blogger addi did this on her blog, and it was kindof fun. both of us have begun a very un-fun but needed budget overhaul. this means less money for fun clothes (that neither of us need!!!) and more money for you know, things like rent and food and the bluetooth i have needed for about five months. haha!

so we are making wishlists of things that we can either save up for, or just dream about :) maybe writing about it will help curb my cravings...

well this one is maybe in the budget...LIFE AS WE KNOW IT..new movie i really want to see! so maybe when drew is home :)

natalie kim dresses for gamedays. i love this, but i bought fabric for 20 dollars and am gonna make it myself. plus, in oregon, its cold by football season. if i was in a sorority in auburn, it would be worth the hefty $145!

ALL SEASONS of grey's. i'd love to own all of them. favorite show ever! but at 40 dollars a season...maybe not yet :)

not gonna lie...love these steve madden pumps. thinking i may splurge on them for graduation shoes in june! :)

This beautiful jacket is of course, Anthropologie. i love it's ladylike silouette, but the price tag of 149 isnt in the budget for now!

This coach tote is exactly what i want for work...it can stow my macbook air, camera, and my wallet and still look stylish.

Update

2010-10-11T11:48:00.000-07:00

What a week! Things have gone from 0-60 it seems like! With under 60 days until our BIG day, things are starting to become busier! School has hit a ridiculously fast pace, but so far I'm keeping my head above water. This past week my company, Wonderment signed a publicity contract with Skies Fall Media, the brainchild of Skillet guitarist Benjamin Kasica. We are thrilled about this merger, and excited to be working with such amazing people and talent. I am back with CCM, as well as writing heavily for Halogen TV. One of my artists that I represent is about to head to radio. We are nervous but excited and confident the current single will do great! Drew is out for another week with the guys, and then headed home to a very excited me! Funny how this tour run seemed worse, because we got a small taste of "normal" while he was home...definitely makes it harder to say goodbye, but as all bandgirls know...it makes you appreciate the little things. Well, back to work for me! XOXO

1Chronicles 16:34 Oh, give thanks to the LORD, for He is good! For His mercy endures forever.

accepting the answers

2010-09-30T22:59:00.000-07:00

i must have cried at least three times this week.

see, i went back to school on monday, and it began the endless cycle of homework, assignments, no free time, and exhaustion. i'll be the first to admit, i wasnt thrilled about the sudden transition from happy summer to dreary fall. through it all, my family and friends and wonderful fiance have all rallied and i am ready to face senior year (i think!). this week was emotional. juggling a prestigious medical program, a wedding, family, and a semblance of a social life is not easy. so, i cried at least three times this week.

things got more emotional on tuesday, when news came that Drew would have an opportunity to head back out on the road as a manager. moving here and finding an 8-5 was the goal of pulling out of the industry a month ago, but it appeared that that was not the path for this next month. I was, of course, more emotional about him being on the road, compounded with the sudden onslaught of responsibility and school/work. i cried some more. but i thought about it...and i realized that God had answered the prayer i have been praying with an answer i didn't want to hear. i have been praying for drew, steadily asking that he would find something he loved, something that would pay the bills, and help create financial stability for this coming season. God gave it to us, in a way we never saw coming, but nonetheless, a yes. a gentle, kind, always faithful yes to our plea.

He always does.

i whine, complain, and demand for it to happen the way i want it to, but God always trumps my will.
and i'm thankful. because He gets it. way more than me and my little brain.

so here we go, headed into a little longer of band life, me at home and my Love traveling. and it's okay. it really is.

I'm thankful for the yes.

even if i didnt see it coming.

adjusting

2010-09-07T08:27:00.000-07:00

this past week has flown by! my Love flew safely in on Tuesday. He moved into a sweet little attachment to my friend Andy and Kristy's house; like a half-studio that he is helping remodel. it's a huge blessing to us right now! We have spent the past few days just enjoying hanging out; running little errands and eating meals together (what a concept!) its amazing to have a steady date night every week, to see him daily, to just know he's within a few miles. I know girls who actually get sick of their husbands/boyfriends and i am pretty sure if they lived 2100 miles apart they wouldnt ever take it for granted again! yesterday he and andy put in a window. very manly activity. i sat on the couch and watched. which probably was a good thing since i am terrible with directions, tools, building, or anything related to hardware stores or house building.

i'm jetting off the caribbean on thursday morning, leaving my sweet boy to his own devices while i am gone...he will be busy job-searching i am sure. school starts up with a vengeance on the 21st...definitely gonna be an adjustment to juggle everything and our upcoming wedding as well, but its lovely to have him home!

The best of Fall 2010 Collections

2010-08-24T13:16:00.000-07:00

I don't love fall clothes, but i DO love this season's lineup of dainty dresses and 40's style cardis. It's definitely a nice vintage throwback and a contrast to nasty, tight sleazy clothes. These pieces i can feel like a lady in!

This two-fer dress is from Modcloth. It's lovely, ladylike, and beautiful colors. iLOVE mustard yellow this season!

This plaid number is from Urban Outfitters. it's actually a lovely flannel and i'd pair it with knee socks and saddle shoes.

These amazing shoes are from Urban. It's a steep price tag, but i might invest in something like this for Fall...nice simple suede.

I actually bought this piece awhile back for a photoshoot and forgot about it, but I found it in my closet last week. It's from LULUS.com and i love everything about it. Nice fit without being too clingy, good length, and beautiful detailing of the lace.

Of course this one is from Anthro, but i LOVE it. I'd love to sew something like it and pair it with plain black pumps.

Another anthro piece...absolutely flawless pairing of fabrics.

Last but not least a beautiful cardi! LOVE LOVE LOVE the two-piece look of it!

eight days!

2010-08-23T14:13:00.000-07:00

eight more days until my Love moves here for good! im desperately counting down the days...can't wait to finally not have to say good bye all the time! im leavin for the carribean on the 10th...can't wait to hit the beach with 5 of my best friends! then its onward to school and wedding planning! i'm getting so excited to be drew's wife!

NCLEX, work, job hunting

2010-08-09T16:58:00.000-07:00

NCLEX, job hunting, work. yep..that pretty much sums up our life for now..looking for a temporary job for drew while i finish school, registering for all 8 credits for school, hunting for a house, planning a wedding. things just don't slow down for us! on a happier note, i got new glasses this week. hadnt had new ones in 3 years. when i first put them on, i started to feel faint and threw up because they were so strong. thankfully my eyes adjusted. i dont recommend sticking them on so fast...definitely a bad idea. i have been enjoying a very busy summer...i wish it would slow down. now its time to start studying for my NCLEX exam which is next year and is going to be hard for me because though i get excellent grades, i dont test well. i have real trouble with exams, so i am definitely starting early. eek. i am dying to sew, but i dont have time. maybe someday ;) i bought yards of beautiful vintage fabric and little buttons and everything, but i just cant find time or energy to devote to it. :(

fun and happy things

2010-08-04T09:04:00.000-07:00

wow..summer is flying by. seems like i have rarely been home...!
my work has shifted to ten hour days, so im working 7-6, and it's definitely been an adjustment to drag myself out of bed!
i am thankful for my boss and the flexibility he gives me to allow me to work two jobs and attend school.

My little company is growing fast, and I just signed a new artist and have two more prospective artists signing with me in a few months. I'm thrilled. i LOVE my job and love building my new little "family" of artists. So far, i just fall more and more in love with my work. We are launching my website on the 15th of August, and I purchased a domain and site. It's all very exciting! If things keep up, I could begin working part time at my day job...it would surely be nice to focus on school. i'm taking 18 credits this fall term, and im not entirely sure if i will LIVE to the wedding at this rate....i cant remember the last time i slept...i'm taking the psychology of sports and intro to theories of criminal justice and law, and ten credits of nursing classes. its pretty much a recipe for no sleep until graduation. :) i'm also back with CCM...and i love it. writing has always been my love, and CCM is where i started, so im definitely loving the articles and things i am getting to do. we have a great team of people there.

in between my crazy travel schedule and my work, we are planning a wedding! december is our month, and we are deciding between two different days. hopefully when drew moves, we will have a little more time to plan and work on little projects. we are very, very ready to just hurry up and be married! im counting down the days until he's HERE...I have surely missed my Love, and am ready to adjust to him being home for more than a few days.

Shabby Apple Boysenberry Pie Apron Guest Giveaway

2010-07-23T10:56:00.000-07:00

Shabby Apple Boysenberry Pie Apron Guest Giveaway

Love this sweet apron!

Love like this...

2010-07-14T11:38:00.000-07:00

My dear friend Sara Frankl (Gitzengirl) lost her father unexpectedly very recently. Sara is one of my favorite people. We met through mutual friends and though we've never hung out "in person", she is a dear friend. Sara is one of those people who makes me want to love people better and be more like Jesus. Sara has health problems that don't allow her to be outside of her home, but she is nothing but joyous, radiant and selfless. When Sara's father passed away, I thought of the ways we normally "love" people who lose loved ones. We send flowers, or we go the service...for Sara, these aren't realities. Her health problems don't allow for flowers or many types of gifts, so I bought a card. I realized that sometimes, it's hard to love people without the crutches of easy fixes. All I can give my dear friend is love...in written words, in simply praying for her. i can't hide behind a bouquet (though those are often sent with good intentions), nor can i slip into a funeral and pay my respective dues. i have to love her in new ways, different, unexepected ways. maybe that's just a card. maybe it's a facebook note.

Sara is good at teaching others to love like Jesus because she does it every single day. Now it's my turn to love her, and i have to look for ways to be creative. Love doesn't always come clothed in the ways we think it should.

a little update on our life

2010-07-14T10:27:00.000-07:00

we just celebrated one year of being engaged, and we went back to Nashville to where drew proposed last july. We had a blast on our vacation, spending time in Nashville, Orange Beach, Gulf Shores, and Montgomery and Birmingham. We definitely are undergoing lots of changes, but it's all good, and we are excited. We are getting married this December, the official date is yet to be announced, we want to lock in all our vendors before we announce it! (Can you tell we both do concert and event coordination?!) Drew is pulling out of the music industry for a little while as well, and making plans to move to Oregon! We are completely thrilled to be living in the same city. Please be praying for a job for him, and for us as we learn to adjust to this change...I graduate in June 2011, and then we will have to see where God leads us in both of our jobs. In the meantime, I will keep working at SOU, and also working as a publicist and artist manager. My company is taking off, and I love what I do. I also am going back to writing for CCM, and am excited for that new venture. Then it's onto new adventures of being married (YAY!) and starting our life together :)

oh, sweet summer

2010-07-07T10:46:00.000-07:00

with drew off tour, we finally got a few days to enjoy no work, and all the sunshine! we tripped down to gulf shores, alabama, and saw his aunt, and spent two glorious days laying on the beach, shopping, and eating! sooo nice to have a break off work, and school and tour.

daydreaming...

2010-06-24T15:21:00.000-07:00

...about the day when my sweet almost-husband will work 8-5 and then come home to me. i miss him.

he is such a hard worker. he loves what he does, and he does it well. i appreciate the little things...

today, he helped me find a return flight for july, paid our cell phone bill, made time to chat with me, made me laugh, and still made his flight on time...back on tour for the next three days until he picks me up in Birmingham!

Someday, he'll go to work in the morning...and come home to me at night. sounds lovely.

waiting.

2010-06-23T10:31:00.000-07:00

i lack patience. i am inherently, stubbornly, impatient. right now, i am waiting for the next 5 days to pass so i can head to sweet home alabama and see my Love! i'm waiting to graduate. waiting to leave for the carribean. waiting for our wedding. waiting for real life to start. waiting for the fall term of school. waiting on some concerts. waiting on a paycheck. but waiting only accomplishes so much. i have to continue to focus on other things, because Life keeps right on happening. Life never slows to accomodate complacency. God expects a challenged heart even in the waiting season. I love john waller's song "waiting", where he says,

"While I’m waiting
I will serve You
While I’m waiting
I will worship
While I’m waiting
I will not faint
I’ll be running the race
Even while I wait

We can run the race while we wait. We can worship while we wait.

I was chatting yesterday with another band wife; her husband is gone much of the year on tour. She said, "isnt waiting the worst? you feel like your heart is literally going to explode until you can see him again!" and i said, "oh i know!" then she said, "but God uses that time, grace! He grants you extra patience and every time it doesn't get easier but you get stronger. and it strengthens your love for your husband and your dependence on the Lord. and oh, how it makes you depend on the Lord!"

so i choose thankfulness today, instead of impatience. i will watch God work in the next five days even as my heart wants to badly to run right by the next few days. I will be eagerly anticipating time with my Love, but also time for God to do what He wants in the next few days :)

the very best of forever 21

2010-06-21T13:06:00.000-07:00

I have decided to highlight the very best of Forever21's summer collection. I love very select pieces from forever 21, though their clothes do not last and tend to wash very badly. However, for summer clothes, I have found some very chic pieces that i love! so here is the best of their online store:

This is a darling madras romper, with cute vintage details like the criss cross back and nice color scheme.

This darling mustard skirt is soooo cute and looks more Urban Outfitters than Forever21. I love the studs on the back pockets.

This sweet little top is very Blair-esque and would look so great tucked into a black skirt with flats for a professional summer look.

A darling mickey and minnie tank that i would tuck into a fitted black skirt and pair with a pink hairbow and wayfarer glasses.

I would belt this cute chiffon dress and pair it with saddle shoes and a beaded headband.

this is where i'm headed...

2010-06-21T12:08:00.000-07:00

IN SEVEN DAYS...off to sweet home alabama to see my Love! it's been over 40 days since i last saw him, so i am very excited...
i'll be going to orange beach while im there...looks lovely, huh?

then...off to HERE in september!!! St Maartens island in the Caribbean!!!! headed there with 8 of my best friends for a girls trip to celebrate our last summer together before graduation next summer!

well....

2010-06-18T13:31:00.000-07:00

the enthusiasm about sewing that i had last week (i even went and bought yards and yards of beautiful fabric, zippers, and thread) has quickly dissolved into exhaustion as i have been working 40 hours a week. add to that my twisted ankle and bruised knee and pretty much i have been asleep after work every night...i stay awake long enough to talk to drew and thats about it. last night, a few friends and i started a summer movie club. we watch one war movie a week. its sort of depressing, but they definitely make you appreciate the military. brandon, my friend from nursing school, was in the Navy for 7 years, so he has tons of military hats. he made us all wear one (yes, seriously) for the ceremonial watching. we watched 'stop-loss', which was a fabulous movie (though it had tons of language) that was sobering and thoughtful. i highly recommend it if you can overlook the language (most of it is in the context of war, which seemed to make it less offensive, since it was realistic and not gratuitous).
i am ridiculous excited about the new twilight and the new toy story 3. i dont think i can talk drew into seeing both of them, but i bet he would like toy story more (he agreed to watch twilight because he is a good fiance, but i feel kindof bad making him sit thru that ;) drew is wrapping up his last few dates in FL with chris and conrad...no one is happier about end of tour than ME! actually, everyone on the tour is pretty wiped out and ready to see their families too. the tour went pretty well, but alot of things were more work than they were anticipating, so needless to say, drew is ready to be home. he gets back to montgomery on tuesday, then gets a few days of rest, then back out for a one-off and then to birmingham to pick ME up! i cant wait to see him! when i see him again, it will have been 45 days since i last said goodbye. this life is definitely rough on these long runs, but we are thankful for his income and the experience he has gotten, even though it keeps us apart.
i am very excited for vacation...

i am in the midst of applying for every scholarship i can think of...i'm so tired of writing essays i cant even think anymore! it's like working on top of working my regular job. blech. in more exciting news, i am working with a new indie artist...he shows alot of promise...i'm very excited about it. and i am also in the process of beginning to freelance write again for the summer! the income is so good, and though i was happy to have a break, i'm ready to get back into it. i miss the community of writers i used to work with. lots on the horizon. God is always good and faithful and we are so thankful!

-g&d

i have a special talent

2010-06-17T13:08:00.000-07:00

today, i wore a new dress to work, my "fiesta" dress, a mexican inspired dress with tiny pompoms and bright green mixed patterns...so cute. well when i went to grab my morning starbucks, i was coming back into work and slipped and fell. i fell up the stairs, slammed my right knee (and my bad knee, injured four years ago from a snowboard accident) and fell all the way down the flight, bruising my right hip and twisting my ankle. it takes special talent to fall up the stairs.

2010-06-14T14:17:00.001-07:00

" Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will lie under the stars and listen to your heartbeat, or will stay awake just to watch you sleep... wait for the boy who kisses your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends, who thinks you' re just as pretty without makeup on. One who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares and how lucky he is to have YOU... The one who turns to his friends and says, thats her... " ~Unknown

Kristen Bell's cute fashion

2010-06-14T11:50:00.001-07:00

I think Kristen Bell does the best job of flattering her petite frame. I love these dresses and sweet outfits

Dress Collection

2010-06-12T16:25:00.000-07:00

I have an enormous dress collection. However, at the prodding of my precious fiance, I have been getting rid of the ones that don't fit and don't work for my petite frame. I have been really smitten with nautical blues and whites for summer, and have been leaning towards one-shoulder and tailored styles. Here's a few of my favorites:

i bought this DARLING tailored dress...i LOVE the fitted waist and the crisp khaki skirt and my favorite part is the detailing of the bodice. the ruffles add a girly flair to the professional pinstripes.

i found this sweet skirt on forever21.com. It wasn't something i would normally go for, but it's suspenders made it fun and still professional for my summer job. I will pair it with a modest white tanktop and some silver and white earrings and white wedge sandals.

I haven't bought this beautiful dress yet, because my size is out of stock, but i'm in love with the darling colors! It's nick and mo brand, and i think it's absolutely beautiful! I would pair it with a yellow hairbow and mustard color sandals. isn't it cute?

a random update

2010-06-07T11:46:00.000-07:00

21 days until i'm back in Bama, hitting the beach and spending long and lazy days with my Love and our dear friends.

Excited for events like the arrival of Baby Willis, and seeing our Rush of Fools family, and spending time with my friends while Drew is on tour for a few days. Hopefully going to Orange Beach or Pensacola if the oil spill hasn't ruined the water. Can't wait! I'm bringing new books, dozens of dresses, my iPhone, and a hat for the sunshine! busy summer ahead, full of travel and work and hopefully, fun and sunshine. i'm heading on a raft trip on wednesday, camping with the nursing school and braving a class 3 and 4 river! as long as we all make it alive, it'll be awesome...at least we're all nurses, so there's no lack of medical care :) i get to meet my new nephew, jack, this summer too, and watch five of my friends tie the knot...just watched seven friends graduate and can't wait to being planning my wedding and graduation. this is definitely a weird time period...i feel old. Lots of life changes; my beloved roomies Liz and Em are moving out, which is bittersweet. Definitely looking forward to getting married and moving ahead in my career; college is getting old and tiring. i'm ready to be a wife and a full-time nurse.

21 days...hopefully it zips by!

happy birthday, Love

2010-06-01T10:46:00.000-07:00

To my Drew-

You are 23 today...I wish I could celebrate with you, Love!

You are in Oklahoma City today, working hard as usual...

Thank you for all you do.

For working so hard and always taking care of finances and budgets and flights.

Thanks for being better at cars and changing tires and pumping gas.

Thanks for always saving my macbook when it breaks.

Thanks for late night phone calls and morning text messages.

Thanks for airport signs and googly eyes.

For always making me laugh when I'm crying.

For taking good care of me, for loving me.

For always updating our iCal so I know where you are.

For loving Jesus more than me.

For wanting a family and kids and letting me know that we will always come first when we are married.

For setting and keeping a date night.

Thank you for being the man that you are.

I love you.

2010-05-30T17:46:00.001-07:00

there is a misconception about being a band wife (or, in my case, almost wife). everyone thinks it must just be the most glamorous job in the world, that it's all free concerts and easy income and getting to meet everyone on the ccm A-list. when i met drew in april of 2008, over two years ago now, i honestly didn't know what this life was all about. it sure sounded fun...getting to travel all the time, VIP passes to every single show, travel and concerts and flying and road trips. what was there not to like? and then it began, and it, quite honestly, has been the hardest thing i have ever done. it's so much more than fun and travel and friends, though it is those things, it also means that some nights, i get phone calls that are just six minutes long. for the whole day. we have never been together on a year anniversary. we have missed each other's birthdays for what is about to be the fourth birthday. it means we have to sit down and review iCals over videochat so we can get a date night. it means drew never gets to go to church on Sundays, and it means every time i go out to dinner with friends, i'm the only one without a date. it means valentines day, i get to go out with my girlfriends, because my valentine is somewhere in South Carolina, unloading a trailer. i don't get flowers and date night every week. i am lucky if i get one once a month. i spend my evenings staying up late enough to hear his voice. it means falling asleep with the iPhone in your hand. some nights it honestly just doesnt seem like its ever going to be easier...there have been many times when drew and i hang up the phone just discouraged. ask any band wife...they will tell you we all have meltdown nights...times when it just isnt fair, when all you want is NORMAL. i was thinking about this the other day...

my Ring means something. sometimes i forget how hard it is for Drew. at least i get community here at home. i have friends and school and work and as lonely as it is for me...it must be a hundred times harder for him. but when he asked me to marry him, he asked me to marry all of it. all the lonely nights and travel and anniversaries alone. and honestly? i wouldnt trade a moment. it's been a difficult, joyous ride, and my goodness, he loves me. God is so faithful to keep us together because everything else has tried to tear us apart, sometimes almost succeeding.

and so, when i took that beautiful diamond and he slipped it on my finger...it meant Yes.
Yes to lonely nights and Yes to short phone calls and Yes to this rough season we are in.
isn't that what Jesus does for us? He looks at all the reasons why He would stop being our Beloved...and He still says Yes, I want you and i save you and I redeem you, and I give you my name.

Yes.

How thankful i am for my beloved, and moreover, for my Beloved.

a season of peace.

2010-05-23T22:06:00.000-07:00

mark driscoll wrote a beautiful piece about women fighting fear, how men need to understand its a very real part of who we are, but also that its sin to fear and not trust God. drew and i have been going through alot of decisions since we decided not to get married this July. it changed alot, especially my housing situation and my job, and all kinds of variables. i have honestly been kind of sad most of the month...trying to adjust to not getting married, and wanting nothing more than to be in Florida on tour with Drew. it's definitely been hard to focus on working this summer instead of travelling and setting up our little home. i have had to fight fear even more than normal, and i have realized how sinful it is to not trust the Lord to work those details out. i'm thankful Drew encourages me to seek out the good in my situation and not focus on the bad aspects. He also encourages me to trust the Lord and not worry about how things will work out. They will. They always do. God is so faithful.

a fabulous piece of writing.

2010-05-22T18:32:00.001-07:00

“I remember driving down I-45 a few months ago and suddenly realizing the number of signs that were screaming at me, signs wanting me to buy waterbeds, signs wanting me to watch girls take off their clothes, signs wanting me to eat Mexican food, to eat barbaque, backlit, scrolling signs wanting me to come to church, to join this gym, to see this movie, to finance a car, even if I have no money. And it hit me that, amid the screaming noise, amid the messages that said buy this product and I will be made complete, I could hardly know the life that was meant to be. Houston makes you feel that life is about the panic and the resolution of the panic, and nothing more. Nobody stops to question whether they actually need the house and the car and the better job. And because of this there doesn’t seem to be any peace; there isn’t any serenity. We can’t see the stars in Houston anymore, we can’t go to the beach without stepping on a Coke bottle, we can’t hike in the woods, because there aren’t any more woods. We can only panic about the clothes we wear, panic about the car we drive, sit stuck in traffic and panic about whether or not the guy who cut us off respects us. We want to kill him, for crying out loud, and all the while we feel a need for new furniture and a new television and a bigger house in the right neighborhood. We drive around in a trance, salivating for Starbucks while that great heaven sits above us, and that beautiful sunrise is happening in the desert, and all those mountains out West are collecting snow on the limbs of their pins, and all those leaves are changing colors out East. God, it is so beautiful, it is so quiet, it is so perfect. It makes you feel, perhaps for a second, that Paul gets it and we don’t — that if you live in a van and get up for sunrise and cook your own food on a fire and stop caring about whether your car breaks down or whether you have fashionable clothes or whether or not people do or do not like you, that you have broken through, that you have shut your ear to the bombardment of lies that never, ever stop whispering in your ear. And maybe this is why he seems so different to me, because he has become a human who no longer believes the commercials are true, which, perhaps is what a human was designed to be.

It makes sense, if you think about it. I mean we stood out in the desert this morning, and the chemicals in my brain poured soothingly through the gray matter, as if to massage with fingers the most tender part of my mind, as if to say, this is what a human is supposed to feel. This is what we were made for, to watch the beauty of light fill up earth’s canvas, to make dirt come alive; like fairy dust making trees and cacti and humans from the magic of it’s propulsion. It makes me wonder, now, how easily the brain can be tricked by somebody who has a used car to sell, a new perfume, whatever. ‘You will feel what you were made to feel if you buy this thing I am selling.’ But could the thing you and I were supposed to feel, the thing you and I were supposed to be, cost nothing? Paul seems to think so, or at least he acts as if this is true. He doesn’t want to stay in a hotel room and catch up on the news. He doesn’t want to rifle through the sports page and make sure the team he has associated his ego with is doing well. I don’t think he is trying to win anything at all. I just think he is trying to feel what a human is supposed to feel when he stops believing lies. And maybe when a person doesn’t buy the lies anymore, when a human stops long enough to realize the stuff people say to get us to part with our money often isn’t true, we can finally see the sunrise, smell the wetness in a Gulf breeze, stand in awe at a downpour no less magnificent than a twenty-thousand-foot waterfall, ten square miles wide, wonder at the physics of a duck paddling itself across the surface of a pond, enjoy the reflection of the sun on the face of the moon, and know, ‘This is what I was made to do. This is who I was made to be,’ that life is being given to me as a gift, that light is a metaphor, and God is doing these things to dazzle us.”- donald miller

already counting down the days

2010-05-22T01:04:00.000-07:00

Yes, I am fully aware that Drew's tour has just started..but i'm already counting down the days until its done! :) Not that I don't want him out on the road, because i LOVE the guys he is working with, and the income is definitely helping out our steep little bills! but i am definitely ready to see him again :) This tour has definitely been testing us as a couple, as we are trying to use the newly discovered skills that the past month and craziness have given us...we are working hard at staying connected and seeking ways to serve each other on this tour, and already it's made a gigantic difference. i have found i am more relaxed, able to focus on my schoolwork, and finding creative ways to fill my time. he has been calling frequently, throughout the day, and it has just made such a difference. not that he never called before, but i have been making an effort to really listen to him, and about his day and what is going on, even if i don't understand exactly what an amp or an LED wall mean. The guys he is out with are just fabulous. Chris, Conrad, their sweet wives, and the crew are talented, sweet and supportive. I got to say hello to them today over video and i love times like that, because i would give anything to be out to these shows! i have been keeping really busy with school but have been making almost solid straight A's! I am really thankful to the Lord for granting me energy, especially since I have been battling sickness most of the term. I'm still not 100%, but I am sleeping in tomorrow, so hopefully that will boost me up a little. I have been working loooong hours at work, swamped and overwhelmed to be honest, but trying to focus on being productive. definitely have been convicted by the Lord to not complain, so i try my best to just do good work and not whine about it. I really do love my job, my coworkers and my boss. They are incredibly flexible and supportive, and i don't know how i would survive school without them and their working around my schedule. As school is winding down, I willl be working up to 40-45 hours weeks from 30 hour weeks. Whew! I am thankful for the income, though. Bills seem to be growing like weeds, but thank the Lord Drew and I both have jobs and i havent starved...yet ;-) This month and last brought lots of health bills, medications and inhalers and etc...set me back a total of around $200.00, but we had enough to cover it and i am thankful for the lord's provision. He never fails!

I am really excited about Wonderment, my publicity company, and the work I am doing for an artist. It's wonderful extra income and it's really what I love. lots on the horizon for my artist, and for me as a company! Lots of fun news to come about my writing as well. I am thankful!

That's all for now, i'm sleepy...

tour dates, date night, and working late

2010-05-17T15:30:00.000-07:00

since we have announced our wedding and life changes...people have been nothing but overwhelmingly supportive. how blessed i have been to have many, many friends send me sweet texts and messages and take me out to lunch. i am blessed with wonderful girls who love Jesus and are praying for us. i'm thankful.

today, drew starts a long run with Chris and Conrad...he's in nashville today. i need to run to the store after work and make his tour laminate! i make him a new one every tour, it's a plastic photo and note that goes around his neck, behind his tour pass. it's become a neat way for me to serve him by making one and for him to carry it around with him all the time on tour. (we both win :) i'm so proud of the way he protects our relationship by being so careful to keep thing above board while on tour. we recently heard about a marriage destroyed by infidelity, and it encouraged us even more to be guarded about our faithfulness to each other. my non christian coworkers were shocked when i mentioned today that i don't worry about drew on tour. one said, flippantly, "well, we know what he probably does on the weekends when he 'says' hes "working". i just looked at him and said "yeah, i do know what he does, because he IS working!" they didn't know how to react; simply stating how it would be "impossible" to not sleep with women on the road. I was shocked that they thought that was normal, but i guess thats just me. Drew is so careful on tour; even not taking photos with any girls, and he wears a ring on his left hand. I'm so proud and thankful of the way he is so quick to discuss any awkward situation or anything with me, right up front. because of that, i never question him on the road.

i am blessed by his heart.

a letter to our friends and family about our wedding

2010-05-16T15:32:00.000-07:00

To all our friends and family-

We love you all and want to share some news with all of you. We wish we were able to share this with you in person, but there simply isn’t enough time to talk to all the people we love!

The life of a guy on tour isn’t easy, and it means time apart for us much of the time. Equally, nursing school requires immense amounts of time and studying, and the time we have been able to spend with each other is so limited. Having a date night every two months means that for the other 60 days in between, everything has to be over the phone. Long distance without consistent time together created stresses and issues on top of planning a wedding.

We have, after much prayer and counsel, decided to cancel our July wedding. It was coming so quickly, and though we were excited and we have been engaged for a year, we only had spent about 5 weeks of that time together. We really need time to focus on the Lord, on our relationship with each other, and involving our families before we step forward into the new journey of marriage. That being said, we are still committed to each other and to what the Lord has for us, though we have not set another date. We truly covet your prayers as we seek the Lord and fight for this relationship; and also prayer for finances and travel to enable time together. We are excited and hopeful as we now get to relearn how to really value each other and prioritize the Lord first and foremost. We are confident that He will carry us through whatever challenges will come with the distance and stresses of touring and school, and that He will hold us together in His will.

Soli Deo gloria.

We love you all dearly and are so thankful for your presence in our lives!
All our love,
Drew and Grace

2010-05-04T18:01:00.001-07:00

Sanctus Real - “Lead Me”

I look around and see my wonderful life
Almost perfect from the outside
In picture frames I see my beautiful wife
Always smiling
But on the inside, I can hear her saying...

“Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can't
Don't leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, what about us?

Show me you're willing to fight
That I'm still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone”

I see their faces, look in their innocent eyes
They're just children from the outside
I'm working hard, I tell myself they'll be fine
They're in independent
But on the inside, I can hear them saying...

“Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can't
Don't leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, but what about us?

Show me you're willing to fight
That I'm still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone”

So Father, give me the strength
To be everything I'm called to be
Oh, Father, show me the way
To lead them
Won't You lead me?

To lead them with strong hands
To stand up when they can't
Don't want to leave them hungry for love,
Chasing things that I could give up

I'll show them I'm willing to fight
And give them the best of my life
So we can call this our home
Lead me, 'cause I can't do this alone

Father, lead me, 'cause I can't do this alone

on my mind...

2010-04-25T23:30:00.000-07:00

-how much i love this dress! i have a dress collection the size of a small country. i need to get rid of like half to fit them in our new soon-to-be-home. i have been focusing on getting rid of dresses that don't flatter my tiny frame and purchasing only classy dresses that wont go out of style. Lulus.com, modcloth, and anthropologie are the sweetest places to find classy, vintage dresses. i'm in love with sailor details right now, especially sailor collars!

-how much i despise nursing forums. every week we have to write these absurdly long posts about what we are reading and it's literally a duke-it-out battle of who can cite the most articles. it's exhausting and miserable.

-how much i love my wedding dress and my wedding venue. both are unbelievably beautiful. hooray!

-how ready i am to find the perfect apartment. we are currently searching for the perfect, safe, and cute little first house for our first year as newlyweds! so far i haven't found just the right one...it's really important for me to feel safe where i'm at, since my Husband will be gone on tour so much of the time. i cant wait to start finding fun things for our little housey.

-how tired i am. 30 hours of clinical, 30 hours of work, and 20 hours of homework this past week have left me DRAINED. i have been really grumpy too. poor drew. i am definitely not fun to be around when im exhausted and stressed. im going to bed early this week!

-how thankful i am for my job. my boss is the best.

-im so excited for the college retreat! heading to portland on the 7th and 8th for a worship and teaching retreat at solid rock. www.ajesuschurch.org We will be going thru the book of ephesians and have worship from evan wickham. can't wait for a relaxing time!

-my bachelorette party for nursing school is may 21st! hurrah :-) can't wait to celebrate!

-how crazy it is that 2 years have gone by for me and my Love!

-how bad drivers are in Oregon. they dont use their blinkers.

-i need to write a bunch of articles this week.

-i love chicken nuggets. i also love dairy, which i cant eat.

-i love the new tenth avenue album. i want to read "eat pray love."

-i cant wait to be cute and pregnant and get baby clothes for our little baby someday!

thats all of my random thoughts.

show day

2010-04-23T15:09:00.000-07:00

yesterday was the kutless show, a sold out venue and tons of tiny details didn't make it too appealing for me. I was up at 6am, headed to clinical until 3, then stayed up till 2am. i dont even remember crawling into bed last night!
but i think its amazing that God works so well in our weakness. in my poor attitude, He still forged relationships and encouraged me in the middle of a terribly long day. i didn't know that the opening band was aligned with anti-human trafficking agency Overlooked, and that their hearts are running after freeing these precious women! how amazing to hear their story and to be able to fully support their music. i bought their cd and a shirt, and was so encouraged by their hearts and their ministry. i didn't know the other opening band was good friends with the band drew is road managing! so cool to make those connections and see God weaving us all together!

he knelt to the ground and pulled out a ring..

2010-04-19T09:40:00.000-07:00

if i got my way, i would have walked down the aisle to taylor swift. thankfully, i have roommates and a fiance who decided i needed to keep it classy, and that in 20 years, i didn't want to have to tell my children i walked down the aisle to the number one hit pop song of 2009. anyways. moving on.

i have a beautiful, fairytale gown tucked away in my mom's closet, i have a beautiful wedding venue just waiting for me, and my darling bridesmaids are ordering beautiful dresses. i meet with my florist soon, and has has all sorts of unique ideas for my wedding bouquet. i seriously can't believe that the wedding is in 89 days!

we have been engaged for a glorious nine months, and when we get married, it will be almost one year exactly. it's definitely been a year filled with challenges and joy, but we've made it! i have learned so much...when people find out that i see my fiance just about every two months, and not in between...they often are shocked. to be honest, it never gets any easier. i miss him each and every day, but i am gradually learning to live my life when he is gone. it's been a hard lesson to learn, but i've discoevered that life still goes on when he gets on those airplanes. i go back to work and school, and i have to focus and do my best. i've certainly spent my fair share of time crying and feeling sorry for myself. but i've been trying to find Joy in my life apart from him. mostly because this is the life we are signing up for...touring is hard, its hard on marriages, its hard on having kids, its hard on the husbands and the wives alike. i think me and drew both have different things we struggle with. for me, i have community, and friends, and church. i stay extraordinarily busy and im out with friends on the weekends and travel often. for drew, he doesnt get community. he rarely gets home for church, since he works nights, and he wont see his friends for months. it's a complex life, and im grateful that we are good friends, because we are pretty in tune to what the other one is feeling even when we are apart. we've listened to ALOT of mark driscoll and matt chandler, and ive definitely seen areas i need to improve...ive learned that drew needs words of affirmation, and i need undivided attention. as soon as we figured that out, things got alot easier. not easy, just easier. we're still learning.

it's our two anniversary on saturday. i'll be at the beach, and he'll be at work. its really hard sometimes, to spend this special days apart, but we'll be okay. two years. it's flown by.

i love you honey. grow old with me.

i hope...

2010-04-16T21:09:00.000-07:00

...that in twenty years, i am as excited to go on dates with my Husband.

i was out to dinner a few nights ago, and an elderly couple was sitting near me. the wife got up to get something and came back and when she came back, her husbands eyes lit up. i mean his whole face lit up! he was so happy to see her!

wow. i hope we have that in twenty, thirty, fifty years.

and my goodness....i can't wait to have a Husband!

i love him so much.

i hope that i still get butterflies when he gets off an airplane.
i hope that in twenty years, i am as excited to hear his voice.
i hope that in fifty years, he still reaches for my hand.
i hope that forever, i drop everything to just talk to him.

91 days.

love this:

2010-04-15T10:55:00.001-07:00

"When a couple speaks their vows & consummates their vows with sexual union, it is not man or woman or pastor or parent who is the main actor. God is. God joins a husband & wife into a one-flesh union. God does that. God does that!! Marriage is GOD'S doing... Staying married, therefore, is not about staying in love: it is about keeping covenant. Christ will never leave His wife." ~Piper

getting married is such a Joy!

2010-04-14T14:21:00.000-07:00

lately, i have been nothing but excited about our wedding! with just over 3 months to go, we had a setback last week when our intended venue was nothing what we thought. we drove out there, and after a 2 hour, miserable, curvy drive, it was definitely a letdown. i cried all the way back to ashland. thankfully, drew had such a good attitude and thought we could make it work, but i was pretty sure it was not going to work. nothing else was open, and with drew touring so much, we didn't have any more time to look around at venues. a few days later, a wonderful couple opened up their home and their beautiful ranch to us. its a several acre, beautifully manicured ranch with mountains and a creek surrounding it. i absolutely love it and can't wait to get married there! i have realized that stressing about wedding things doesnt make it any more fun, and i want to enjoy it so much. so now im determined to be excited and stress free! i love planning our special day because mostly, i'm excited to be his wife! YAY!

one hundred days?

2010-04-08T12:52:00.001-07:00

can it really be? just a hundred more days until our wedding?

yep.

hallelujah.

it can't come soon enough.

i bought my beautiful wedding dress last week, and i absolutely love it. i'm sure drew will too, but he doesnt get to see it for another hundred days :) we got drew fitted for a tux in Portland a few weeks ago, and the tuxes are fabulous...definitely happy with the colors I have chosen: champagne ivory, plum, and black. they look so pretty together! we found a wonderful florist who is local and who does couture, designer flowers, and is offering me a discount. they are exotic looking arrangements, and i'm excited to have them do our flowers.

thats about all i have the energy for right now. missing my drew. he's back in alabama....

dairy, wedding bells, and homework

2010-03-31T18:04:00.000-07:00

i figured i would blog since a) it's been awhile since an update, and b) i am procrastinating on reading for school. we are down to a hundred and eight days until our BIG DAY! we have made our wedding website, and you can see it at www.drewaspinwall.com/wedding.

My asthma has been acting up, perhaps because of Spring allergies, but its making me pretty miserable, to be honest. I have been winded and short of breath walking very short distances (up stairs, etc) and because my campus is large and has lots of hills, it's made it difficult. I am trying to go off dairy because of it's effects on asthma. So far, I have found lots of alternatives to dairy, and I don't like milk so it hasnt been too hard. Unfortunately, I have been losing weight because of stress and lack of appetite, so now I am trying to find dairy-free foods with lots of calories. It's an interesting battle :0p

Drew's tour schedule changed, so I have him home for a full week! it's been sooooo nice to have him home for a little while and to be getting errands done. I started school for Spring term, and am comforting myself by reminding myself that this is my very last term before I am married! that is the most comforting part of this term, since the rest of it will pretty much be miserable...it's already being very difficult, and it's week one. i'm thankful drew is home this week to help me get through the overwheming-ness of the beginning of the term. He baked me brownies today! What a guy :-)

how do i tell their stories?

2010-03-20T14:17:00.000-07:00

i was assigned a piece about the invisible children organization last week, an organization that i am very passionate about. they are working to free the children being abducted and forced into becoming child soldiers or slaves. they also showed the world the story of night commuters: children who walk at night to avoid being abducted. its horrific. its unthinkable. and as i read their stories, i wept. it truly not even something i can fathom...children being kidnapped OUT OF THEIR BEDS. children who have aids. children who have no future. and invisible children is GIVING THEM A FUTURE.

so how do i tell their stories?

how do i look at their pictures and not cry?

and how do i go back to my privileged life?

i want so badly to be moved out of apathy.

because i dont know how to tell their stories.

how do i sum up horror?

and terror?

and Hope?